The Running Clown by Daniel Walker - Short, Drama - A clown seizes on a rare opportunity to try and escape a Nazi concentration camp.  5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Daniel

This was rather bizarre. I liked the unconventional premise of it and the flashback showing the clown's subservient role to the nazi major and his family. Again, it was atypical if anything and a strong image.

Your prose can do with some pairing down. Sentences are long winded. Try to distill the purely visual, tighten up by using commas instead of "and". A lot of the writing is passive and leaden.

The twist of him presumably calling up other performers (other clowns it seems but I imagine they were fellow violinist and composers) to pop up at the exact right time to take out a bunch of German soldiers was a bit silly really. Where did they come from? Why are they dressed as clowns? Where did they get their weapons from? The whole scene made me laugh which I don't think is the intention here but just on a narrative level it feels very rushed and thrown together.

Yes, I know its only a 5 pager I but this didn't cut it.

Col.

Hi Col,

Thanks for your constructive feedback. I will try and tighten up my sentences on my next idea.

One of your questions surprised me. "Where did they get their weapons from?"

Really?

Daniel

Quoted from DanielW One of your questions surprised me. "Where did they get their weapons from?

- I think my confusion comes from the scene where the Clown looks through the files. Originally, I thought he had seen a list of his fellow violinists that were marked for capture and imprisonment. These are the people he called on the phone in order to give them a heads up who then collaborated to ambush the German soldiers. Hence, I wondered how they would've procured their weapons.

Reading over it again, and given the year its set, I'm thinking he is perhaps seeing the initial plans for the holocaust? He then calls the Jewish resistance and they carry out the ambush?

I dunno, I'm just speculating, it's all very vague as written.

Anyway, that aside, it still doesn't answer my other questions such as why are they dressed as clowns and how did they organise so quickly and be at the exact right place at the right time? I mean, can we assume the clown didn't hang around the camp and made his escape right after placing the call?

Col.

Col,

All good. There’s a lot of one pagers on this week’s list, so I’m going to attempt one myself. I’ll use it an exercise to tightening up my sentences.
I read your “Tricks, Lie & Bankhanders”. It was really good. “Rid of Guilt” will be next.

Take care,

Daniel

Interesting story.  I'm down the middle on it if I like it or not.  It's intriguing.  I assume the Germans had caught a circus of clowns and sent them to a concentration camp.  It would be visually odd to see, in a good way.  I would have liked to have read dialogue, a few words.

Daniel

Quoted from DanielW I read your “Tricks, Lie & Bankhanders”. It was really good. “Rid of Guilt” will be next.

- Thanks for checking them out. Try to post a few comments on scripts you read here though as it encourages those writers to check out yours in return.

Col.

Hi Jayrex,

“I assume the Germans had caught a circus of clowns”. - That’s funny!!!

Is it a ‘circus’ of clowns or a ‘gag’ of clowns?

Never underestimate freedom fighters dressed as clowns...lol.