Control by 0 - Short, Thriller - A CIA agent with a questionable past is called in to help his soon-to-be-president wife through an election night threat. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Have read.  Will comment later

Am I the only one confused??

Will say more later.

Dan

Dan,

I was confused the first time too, then I re-read it and *whispers to Dan because he doesn't want to say anything to bias other readers*

(0:

You begin with a nod to Jay McInerney?
Does the trick, but a bit lazy.

Bruce Bailey? Bruce Wayne, John McClane. Heroes by any other name.

He scans the world outside as it passes, hyper-aware, like a man with military
experience.

Could do better, but I get it. I'd delete the 'like'. And maybe use a word like military bearing/precision.

Okay, so it's clear the final denouement has to take place ten years in the future. It's election night 2028 in both scripts.

This line:
ELIZABETH
Always business with you.
Is pushing the credibility of the cool and witty repartee. She’s received a death threat after all.

Nice little touches of irony in their convo in the lift. The second Oprah line is funny, good pickup on the first reference.

Bit abrupt the segue from just one bang on the ceiling of the lift to Bruce throwing off his jacket to go after these unknown, unseen assailants.

Stay here.
I personally think this should be: Stay right there. Or: Don't move.

Clever touch and nice visual with the Dali.

Okay, there’s two realities here and a reference to correlate with Dali's Persistence Of Time perhaps? And we've gone a bit Matrix with the pill exchange and a bit Sliding Doors/ Sixth Sense?

I think I get it... No reaction from the others to the two of them bursting into the room/they stay still when the announcement comes in, and we hear celebratory response in the other rooms.

Still a bit confusing but...

A very slick, very self assured writer. A little stereotypically derivative and I swear, Bruce Bailey is John McClane!

Enjoyable read.

Pretty good script. Congratulations.

Technically the writing is sound. Was a little confusing on the first read but second time through I think I got a handle on it.

Where I think the script is weak is with some of the behaviours of the characters. Also, the plot has some issues as well. I apologize if I missed something, but here are my thoughts:

I'm not a huge fan of "it was all a dream" surprise endings, so maybe I'm finding it hard to get that taste out of my mouth. The issue for me is when does the world become the one that lives in Elizabeth's subconscious? Bruce's encounter with the cheeky doorman must have been outside of her dream because Elizabeth is not there. Bruce flashes his gun and the doorman, who in my opinion, does not act appropriately for someone who has not yet verified the badge. Also, the fact that Bruce is even showing up with a firearm is at odds with the real reason he is there -- to help give his ex-wife her medication because she trusts him. But hey, maybe he was on duty before he got the call...

In the elevator, Elizabeth makes an Oprah joke just as she's been shot at. This didn't sit well with me, but might make sense in the realm of a 90's action flick. Later on her eyes are "wide with fear" I think is how you put it.

Bruce climbs the elevator shaft (I think) and pursues the shooter. They have an exchange of gunfire. But again, this is Elizabeth's mind and the story must revolve around her at all times. This could be solved by the director showing Elizabeth witnessing the gun-fight through the glass elevator.

The ending is a real thinker. The future President is not in "CONTROL" of herself if she's off her meds. This almost makes me think that the underlying theme is "pro guns". A hidden message that "guns don't kill people, people kill people." Bruce also seems to be a "pro gun" guy as well. I don't think many people would buy into that theme, but Clint Eastwood would probably dig it lol. Maybe I'm looking too far into that though :p

Good script overall. If my notes don't mesh with your writer's instinct then pay no attention and do your thang'. Good luck!

The writing is good. Mature. Current. Not too cheesy. Not my genre, but it's handled well, that's the main thing.

Best of the two, IMO.

I'm impressed. Only once did I think the writing hit me in the nose (explaining her gun control platform Kinda obvious). The writing was crisp and quick. Never got bogged down or slow. The 'time cuts', for lack of a better term, confused me at first but I figured it out. If filmed, it would be easily interpreted, I think.

Overall, very cool. I haven't read the other one yet but fantastic work here. This was worthy of the finals.

I read this once and was confused, then I read the other entry, and then re-read this, and it made more sense to me.

I think the writer had a great idea here, and was certainly handcuffed by the criteria. For me, the dialogue was pretty standard action fare, and in places it was expository. For example, why would Bruce not know she got seventeen notes?

Other things too like why Bruce was sent to the back of the line was played for comedy when I think it shouldn't have been (calling in the biggest, best gun, and they don't tell the velvet rope guy?).  And the DIE HARD elevator shaft thing - the pursuit of Elizabeth could have been handled a bit more creatively, IMO.

Also, I never really see a switch to Elizabeth's POV so (SPOILERS) I'm not sure how much of this she imagined and how much she didn't. (Did she imagine Bruce getting rebuffed in line?)

Again, good idea, however I think the execution was off in spots.  The twist ending is worth it and sort of explains what we've seen before, but I was taken out of the read a bit before I got to the ending.

AJR

Writer,

A fine effort, however it didn't work for me on a couple levels. Not enough back story. It could be as much as a simple line of dialogue or two, or a well placed flashback. Whatever, I just didn't feel much connection to Bruce or Elizabeth. Second, the ending. I think I know what you were trying to do, but it didn't answer the question as to why.

Good work, but falls short.

Steve

This is great work under the time constraints, then again if the time was a huge problem then this person wouldn't be in the finals!

There was only one technical glitch I noticed, that ELEVATOR was a shot when it should have been its own scene, but otherwise nothing distracted from reading the story. Which is good, because it's a mind-bending story.

I've been called out in my own writing for too-sparse setting descriptions, but since these are real locations maybe it's not a problem. I would have at least mentioned the establishing shot was a skyline.

SPOILERS

As for the story itself, I think it cheats a bit when switching between reality and fantasy. Sure, she could imagine the gunfight, but it would be clearer if she witnessed it somehow, which might require ditching the elevator as the setting. But then the ending would have to change as well (hiding behind a statue -> hiding behind the copier), and I like the closet better.

Liberals and conservatives each think the other live in a fantasy world... cute how this story takes that literally.

Hmmm, was initially confused by some of the plot here but then the end tied it back up for me an it made some sense...

However there were still issues for me even when I understood what was happening.

But it is well written, has some nice touches and is a good effort given the time constraints.

For what it is, it's not bad.  I'll have to read the other script to see what the topic could be.

This is very strong script.
I went through the comments - don't get why some felt confused. I wasn't, not for a second.

I didn't like that first scene - I think it doesn't accomplish anything.

The story read like a big scene in my head. The flow is very much there - nice.

Emotionally - it did elicit emotion from me. I think it could be more. Not sure how to do it, maybe you could kill off the guy completely or something and make her think that it was a choice between struggling for 2nd amendment or him... I might be not very clear here. Just want a bit more.
Still it's a very strong script. Nice work.

I'm right there with you, Kham. I thought this was very strong and once I got my head around the cuts, it wasn't confusing at all. I loved the reveal/ending of the candidate losing control from the pressure and needing medication. Especially the candidates staff not relishing the victory and knowing the long road ahead of them.

Quoted from JEStaats I'm right there with you, Kham. I thought this was very strong and once I got my head around the cuts, it wasn't confusing at all. I loved the reveal/ending of the candidate losing control from the pressure and needing medication. Especially the candidates staff not relishing the victory and knowing the long road ahead of them.

I think maybe you're confused about the script. Either you or me lol. There were no "time cuts" at all. The gunfight never happened...the elevator was the closet that she was cowering in. It was all in her imagination.

He was never called to protect her from an assassin, he was called to give her the medication because she feels comfortable around him.

That's why I mentioned in my notes that there was plot issues. Because the action sometimes strays away from her...and it's her dream.

Hello you,

I like the title, clear choice for a thriller.

Logline could be better.

Clearly, with the beginning of page 8, a complicated concept starts.

Especially at page 10, I personally would have wanted, and needed, a better slugwork from you. At that place it's really hard to follow and you haven't guided me well enough.

As I see it, there's an alternate reality (the elevator assassination plotline vs no combat hide in the closet plotline) but I cannot clearly say what the sense behind it is. Especially the final impression of those realities/non-realities, the context and what should stay with me after having "seen" the story, is not clear to me.

Coming to the positive: I like how you treated the main characters. Many of the dialogues work very well. The action sequence was all right. Also, an interesting setting you've chosen. I didn't see any typos at all, the page looks super-clean.

Another theory is that Elizabeth in the closet is the only "real" one, who has some kind of mental delusions and just makes that whole other plotline up in her head. But if so, the whole pill angle wasn't established enough.

Not a fan of the semi cliche opening. Really, it adds nothing to the story.

Ok, so it seems both scripts had a theme revolving around 2nd amendment and a presidential election. Was not aware so both scripts make more sense now.

However, this reads just as one big action scene. There is not much more to it than that.

Eh.

I gave this one one high marks for (1) the complexity of what the writer attempted, and (2) the degree of success he achieved. However, the degree of success here was a bit less than in the other script.

Quoted from RJP I think maybe you're confused about the script. Either you or me lol. There were no "time cuts" at all. The gunfight never happened...the elevator was the closet that she was cowering in. It was all in her imagination. He was never called to protect her from an assassin, he was called to give her the medication because she feels comfortable around him. That's why I mentioned in my notes that there was plot issues. Because the action sometimes strays away from her...and it's her dream.

Glad that I wasn't the only one confused by it.  That was the main reason that I voted the way I did.  I think the fact that there have been at least 3 ideas as to what the ending meant, for me, tells me that it wasn't written clearly enough.

Dan

Yeah, I used 'time cuts' for lack of a better term. I totally get that the gunfight was in her imagination and that he was called to give meds and comfort. Placing 'dream sequence' would ruin any reveal.

I still think this, if filmed, would be a great little emotional short that would leave the viewer thinking about what the future would hold. A doped up President capable of losing it at any moment. Wouldn't you just love to be on her staff?

A difficult concept to put on paper. Pity it didn't come across better.

I also knew she imagined stuff. And I prefer the writer went the other route and killed the guy - but that's just preference thing.

I really enjoyed this. Some great writing on display and some extremely hard parameters to write within, so congrats on getting it done.

I’ve read both scripts at this point and I think both are very worthy. I don’t dislike this one by any means. I just like the other one better.

My only issue would be how someone that is so unstable, I mean she is hiding in the closet thinking someone’s coming for her, got to where she is. I’m not saying that people with mental illness don’t achieve greatness. Just a little bit of a hard sell.

For anyone interested, here's what I was going for:

SPOILERS

Elizabeth is having a paranoid delusion. She's bi-polar. It's controlled by her meds, but on this, the most stressful day of her life, she's forgotten to take it, and the result is the worst delusions she's ever had.

It's gotten so bad, there's only one person left that she trusts: Bruce. Her ex-husband left her years ago. She was getting into politics, and he knew things would get rough... and he just couldn't stand to see her hurt herself in that way. He didn't want to enable a bad situation.

She won't take the medicine from anyone else, so they called Bruce. (Andy hands him the meds near the end.) Bruce has always been her "safe place."

Bruce getting shot in the delusion is her acknowledgment that her choice of career over him hurt  badly. Her paranoia of the hit represents her fear of what's ahead.

Andy and the staff have made a deal with the devil. They know she's talented, but they obviously know she's flawed. But, they all believe in what they are doing, and Elizabeth is the means to the end. The silence on winning represents this push-pull.

Finally, for those that didn't follow, the entire delusion takes place while Bruce is waiting in the security line. He starts at the end of the line, and is pulled by Andy from the front.

I drop two hints for the reader to know that things aren't as they should be: the presence of the gun (he can't actually take it into the museum) and the change in clothing. In real life, he's wearing a sport coat. In the delusion, he has a leather jacket (since he's a bit of a caricature of himself, this felt appropriate) The clothing hint would play better on screen than on the page, but I tried to draw it out for the reader.

If anyone has any questions, drop 'em in, and I'll share my reasoning. Obviously, I didn't quite pull off everything I was going for. But, I think I got close.

Thanks for all the great comments!
Paul