Spirits of the Slaves by K.J. Lewis - Horror - Two Tribesmen from the Kru Tribe resurrect spirits from the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade to inflict the deepest horrors upon the present-day ancestors of their oppressors. There is no such thing as privilege when Black Americans are possessed by the spirits of the slaves and look for revenge. 89 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, K.J

I think the first statement works as a premise, but if Chloe is the main character, she should be mentioned in the premise. The second statement reads like a tagline, and I don’t think it’s necessary.

Just skimming the script. I see a lot of words in bold in the descriptive narrative. I’m not use to seeing that. Also, I saw big chunks of dialogue, which could be red flag.

BLB

Read the first 13 pages, and yeah the constant bold is little distracting for me. A lot of the dialogue doesn’t ring true.

Quoted Text                 CLEO (PANTING, WHISPERING)           What the? What the? Who can explain           this? I’m going crazy? We got to           get out of here! We, we, got to GET           OUT!

“Who can explain this?” Doesn’t sound like something someone would say in the middle of a crisis, maybe “What’s going on?”

Quoted Text               CLEO (CON’T)           Holy Hell, So this is the           apocalypse?

I see you are trying to make an effort to connect the crimes/horror of he story to something real which I like a lot, but it’s hard to make a story really try to say something. This sounds like it could be interesting maybe the execution could be a little tighter. Chloe has a goal to get dirt on the NFL at the banquet, but she gets into the event rather easily. Was she invited? Wouldn’t she have a reputation?

BLB