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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Horror  /  The Tooth Fairy
Posted by: Don, May 20th, 2018, 12:01pm
The Tooth Fairy by Sean Elwood - Short, Horror - The Tooth Fairy is coming to visit tonight. But what happens when thereís no tooth to take? - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: DanielW, May 21st, 2018, 9:55pm; Reply: 1
Hi Sean,

This is definitely a horror.

Visually, I can see this working.

Nice job.

Daniel
Posted by: AustinT, May 22nd, 2018, 4:44am; Reply: 2
Sean,

This was a lot of fun to read. I agree with Daniel, so visual.

Fun idea and wonderfully executed. The ONLY nitpick I have (and trust me when I say that it's a nitpick) is...


Quoted Text
(O.S.) The small KER-PLINK! of the tooth as it splashes into
the toilet. FLUSH. SWIRL. GURGLE


... I would personally prefer if the sound was a KER-PLOP. KER-PLINk sounds like it hits the porcelain sides of the toilet. Maybe it did. Just thinking out-loud now.

Obviously I had to dig to find some critique because this one is short, sweet and fun.

Good job!

Posted by: Zombie Sean, May 22nd, 2018, 1:08pm; Reply: 3
Daniel and Austin,

Thank you both for reading this. I'm happy to hear that you both had fun reading it and that you both enjoyed it. I wanted to go for something visual and give the Tooth Fairy a different "look" than what people are used to.

Austin, the KER-PLINK actually was me imagining the tooth hitting the water followed by hitting the porcelain at the entrance of the toilet trapway, but KER-PLOP works just as well too! Thanks for that nitpick ;)

Thanks again to you both!

PS> Oh, and if anyone has any ideas on a more original title, that would be cool too. I could not, for the life of me, come up with something different than The Tooth Fairy, which has been done to death, I'm sure. I've thought of "Loose Tooth" or "The Tooth" but still not satisfied.
Posted by: DanielW, May 22nd, 2018, 6:51pm; Reply: 4
Sean,

DONíT change the title.

The genre and the title sum up the story.

Daniel

Posted by: Dustin, May 23rd, 2018, 9:16am; Reply: 5
How about KER-PLOP-PLINK? KAH-PLOP-PLINK? KAHPLOP-PLINK. KERPLOPPITY-PLINK.

Isn't it more of a dink? Or maybe a tink, or ting? KERPLOPPITY-TINK. I think that's it.
Posted by: Zombie Sean, May 23rd, 2018, 12:30pm; Reply: 6

Quoted Text

Sean,

DONíT change the title.

The genre and the title sum up the story.

Daniel


Haha, okay, I'll leave it for now.


Quoted Text
How about KER-PLOP-PLINK? KAH-PLOP-PLINK? KAHPLOP-PLINK. KERPLOPPITY-PLINK.

Isn't it more of a dink? Or maybe a tink, or ting? KERPLOPPITY-TINK. I think that's it.


KERPLOPPITY-PLINK-TINK-DINK? Maybe Martin was having trouble throwing the tooth into the toilet...
Posted by: Forgive, May 23rd, 2018, 6:30pm; Reply: 7
Hi Sean, had a read through this, my only concerns where the set-up seemed too cosy for the following events, so the parents hardly seem deserving of thier fate ... if the parents had been assholes to cute girl, and disrespectful of the tooth fairy tale then they may deserve what came to them ... but here I'm not sure they do.

Also, some of the descriptive elements move into almost novel territory, so they could be shortened and still be just as effective.
Posted by: Dustin, May 24th, 2018, 5:22am; Reply: 8
Code

(O.S.) The small KER-PLINK! of the tooth as it splashes into
the toilet. FLUSH. SWIRL. GURGLE.



Sound FX on overdrive.

Not a bad story. Slight logic issue for me in that it was the little girl's tooth the fairy came for, so why didn't it kill her? Why even bother with the parents? The little girl didn't wake when Daddy put the dollar beneath her pillow, so when the fairy asked her, she would assume the fairy had it and wouldn't know wtf.

But, quite atmospheric, some decent descriptions. Some overwriting, and I don't mean that in being too descriptive. Just writing unnecessary shit. Like this:

Code

Pink, everywhere. Pink walls, pink blankets, pink curtains,
pink everything.



I know, it's done deliberately to add character to your work. Maybe you believe it adds voice. But voice can never be forced, when it is, it just looks forced.

I'd go with one or the other. Either quick and to the point: Pink everything.

Or longer, taking time with each visual, just make sure it leads up to the girl, like a trail: Pink walls. Pink curtains. Pink carpet. Pink duvet and a sweet, chestnut-haired, 5-year-old HANNAH beneath.

It's only overwriting when it doesn't do anything for the visual(s) you are creating.
Posted by: Zombie Sean, May 24th, 2018, 9:22am; Reply: 9

Quoted from Forgive
Hi Sean, had a read through this, my only concerns where the set-up seemed too cosy for the following events, so the parents hardly seem deserving of thier fate ... if the parents had been assholes to cute girl, and disrespectful of the tooth fairy tale then they may deserve what came to them ... but here I'm not sure they do.

Also, some of the descriptive elements move into almost novel territory, so they could be shortened and still be just as effective.


Thanks for reading, Forgive! I completely understand your concern with the setup and how the parents don't seem very deserving of their fate. I actually wanted to go in that direction, where it started off innocent and the reader doesn't know what exactly they're getting themselves into. Think of it as more of a campfire story, where it starts off sweet and innocent and then turns into a horror like a switch. And I'm not the nicest when it comes to my characters in a horror story... ;) but I'll think about this, because it is a concern that's crossed my mind before.

As for the descriptions, it is straying into novel territory, so I will go through the action again and see what I can do to clean it up.


Quoted from Dustin
Not a bad story. Slight logic issue for me in that it was the little girl's tooth the fairy came for, so why didn't it kill her? Why even bother with the parents? The little girl didn't wake when Daddy put the dollar beneath her pillow, so when the fairy asked her, she would assume the fairy had it and wouldn't know wtf.


Thanks for pointing that out! The Tooth Fairy kills the parents because they're the ones who got rid of the tooth, not Hannah. Hannah is merely the one who lost the tooth, and the parents are the ones who took it and got rid of it, so the Tooth Fairy went after them instead of the girl. And yeah, Hannah wouldn't know WTF was going on when the Tooth Fairy wakes her up and asks for her tooth, but she's 5 and still a naive, innocent young kid who does what she's told.


Quoted from Dustin
But, quite atmospheric, some decent descriptions. Some overwriting, and I don't mean that in being too descriptive. Just writing unnecessary shit. Like this:

Code
Pink, everywhere. Pink walls, pink blankets, pink curtains,
pink everything.



I know, it's done deliberately to add character to your work. Maybe you believe it adds voice. But voice can never be forced, when it is, it just looks forced.

I'd go with one or the other. Either quick and to the point: Pink everything.

Or longer, taking time with each visual, just make sure it leads up to the girl, like a trail: Pink walls. Pink curtains. Pink carpet. Pink duvet and a sweet, chestnut-haired, 5-year-old HANNAH beneath.

It's only overwriting when it doesn't do anything for the visual(s) you are creating.


Good idea, thanks for that. I like the idea of being short, sweet, and to the point to make the script read faster and easier, so I will go through it again and see what I can do to make the descriptions read shorter and easier. I know that I went into a lot of description for the Tooth Fairy, and I want to keep that, but at the same time I feel that that's where it's most description-heavy. I've tried to take out any unnecessary detail, so I will go through this again and see what else I can find. Thanks!
Posted by: Dustin, May 24th, 2018, 11:59am; Reply: 10
Yes, but how did the fairy know it was the Father that got rid of the tooth? Hannah didn't know, so couldn't have told it. Also, if the fairy somehow knew who was last to touch the tooth or something (which should be explained in-story) then why did the fairy kill both parents when it was only the Dad that got rid of the tooth?
Posted by: Philostrate, May 24th, 2018, 12:45pm; Reply: 11
Hi Sean,

Good concept and wonderful execution.

It disconcerted me a little when the mother climbs back into the bed instead of trying to escape to get her daughter out of the house, but the setup is perfect and I loved your re-imagining of the Tooth Fairy: clever and visual.

Nice job! ;)

Posted by: Forgive, May 24th, 2018, 6:01pm; Reply: 12
Yeah, there's an issue with the story logic here, but there's scope for that to be sorted out and I don't think it's a difficult fix, like the Dad can't be bothered ditching the tooth, so he sticks it under his pillow? There's options there ...

But I don't want to neglect the strengths here, main one being re-imagining the tooth fairy and there's some nice idea there ... but it's a USP in a story, and the story has to work first off ... production-wise, sfx, what's your thoughts?
Posted by: Zombie Sean, May 24th, 2018, 6:59pm; Reply: 13

Quoted from Dustin
Yes, but how did the fairy know it was the Father that got rid of the tooth? Hannah didn't know, so couldn't have told it. Also, if the fairy somehow knew who was last to touch the tooth or something (which should be explained in-story) then why did the fairy kill both parents when it was only the Dad that got rid of the tooth?


You pose good questions. I will have to look more into this and see if I can expand on it. I like the idea of the Tooth Fairy knowing who touched to the tooth last. It would be hard to portray that on screen, but if both of them touched the tooth, then that would be better explanation for why the mother got her comeuppance as well. The way I kind of saw it, it was the Tooth Fairy getting revenge on the parents for taking the tooth away from her....er, it.


Quoted from Philostrate
It disconcerted me a little when the mother climbs back into the bed instead of trying to escape to get her daughter out of the house, but the setup is perfect and I loved your re-imagining of the Tooth Fairy: clever and visual.


That would make sense, for her to go for her daughter. The way I had it planned out was that she was trying to convince herself that it was just a nightmare she was having. Maybe I can have her move for the doorway, but the Tooth Fairy blocks her path? And then starts walking toward her which makes her move to the bed.


Quoted from Forgive
Yeah, there's an issue with the story logic here, but there's scope for that to be sorted out and I don't think it's a difficult fix, like the Dad can't be bothered ditching the tooth, so he sticks it under his pillow? There's options there ...


There are options to turn the story into something a little more, and I'll have to think about them because I like where you're going. Right now, I'm going to leave it as an innocent tale gone awry with characters who suffer horrible fates, but them being more deserving of them will help the story for sure.


Quoted from Forgive
production-wise, sfx, what's your thoughts?


Not sure! I'd love everything to be practical effects. I'd love to see the creature design if this ever got filmed.
Posted by: Zack, May 24th, 2018, 9:16pm; Reply: 14
Hey Sean,

It's been a long time since I've read some of your work. Glad to see you back.

I really liked this. Good and creepy, and very well paced for such a short script. I feel like I read this in two minutes. lol

The description of the tooth fairy was very creepy. I pictured it perfectly in my mind. Fuck that thing. Lol.

No real complaints. I really dug it all. Great job!

~Zack~
Posted by: Zombie Sean, May 25th, 2018, 12:33pm; Reply: 15

Quoted from Zack
Hey Sean,

It's been a long time since I've read some of your work. Glad to see you back.

I really liked this. Good and creepy, and very well paced for such a short script. I feel like I read this in two minutes. lol

The description of the tooth fairy was very creepy. I pictured it perfectly in my mind. Fuck that thing. Lol.

No real complaints. I really dug it all. Great job!

~Zack~


Hey Zack!

Long time, no see! Glad to see you're still lurking around here as well. Thanks for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed the script, and the visuals. Definitely don't want to mess with this Tooth Fairy. Thanks again!
Posted by: Philostrate, May 25th, 2018, 1:45pm; Reply: 16

Quoted from Zombie Sean
That would make sense, for her to go for her daughter. The way I had it planned out was that she was trying to convince herself that it was just a nightmare she was having. Maybe I can have her move for the doorway, but the Tooth Fairy blocks her path? And then starts walking toward her which makes her move to the bed.


Yeah, I can see that working Sean! You got my point. But just small changes to sort out the logic. You could leave it as it is and it'd still be a good one.

Posted by: ajr, May 28th, 2018, 11:15am; Reply: 17
Hey Sean,

Read this a while back, and had some of the same thoughts as some who have already weighed in. I let it pass without commenting because I'm not really a horror guy so I don't know what my advice will do for you, but here goes...

As someone said earlier, I feel that 'just desserts' wasn't really addressed here. Not sure the mom being a bit apathetic and throwing the tooth away merits the fate meted out.  Not sure of what you're trying to say here, above the creep factor and developing an ALIEN like fairy.

What if Hannah is bitterly disappointed that her mom didn't follow the rules? Then the tooth fairy is revenge killing, because above all, it loves the children. Then you could ratchet up the creep factor at the end - since the tooth fairy leaves Hannah an orphan - which is good for no one - what if it ends with the fairy hugging Hannah lovingly, and / or taking her away?

And yes, I would change the name. There was just a one-pager in the bracket challenge of the same name, and of course you're in the wake of The Rock's franchise.  THE TOOTH FIEND?

AJR
Posted by: Zombie Sean, May 29th, 2018, 11:34am; Reply: 18

Quoted from ajr
Hey Sean,

Read this a while back, and had some of the same thoughts as some who have already weighed in. I let it pass without commenting because I'm not really a horror guy so I don't know what my advice will do for you, but here goes...

As someone said earlier, I feel that 'just desserts' wasn't really addressed here. Not sure the mom being a bit apathetic and throwing the tooth away merits the fate meted out.  Not sure of what you're trying to say here, above the creep factor and developing an ALIEN like fairy.

What if Hannah is bitterly disappointed that her mom didn't follow the rules? Then the tooth fairy is revenge killing, because above all, it loves the children. Then you could ratchet up the creep factor at the end - since the tooth fairy leaves Hannah an orphan - which is good for no one - what if it ends with the fairy hugging Hannah lovingly, and / or taking her away?

And yes, I would change the name. There was just a one-pager in the bracket challenge of the same name, and of course you're in the wake of The Rock's franchise.  THE TOOTH FIEND?

AJR


Hey AJR, thanks for giving this a read, as well as your advice (which is helpful even if you're not a horror guy -- anything helps!).

I've been thinking more of a reason for why the parents get their comeuppance, and even though I'm okay without giving a reason, it seems to be a popular opinion that these parents deserve their fate a little more than what's made out to be. What if the parents tell Hannah straight up that the Tooth Fairy isn't real and that she shouldn't believe in such things? That way the parents are assholes and deserve their fate, all while realizing that the Tooth Fairy is, in fact, real and not what they suspected at all? I wanted to go for a campfire tale type of story, with a soft beginning and a hard ending, but I'm fine with putting in a little more detail of the parents and their fate.

Or what if you see the Tooth Fairy, then she kills you? That's too much like Darkness Falls but will also give reason as to why the parents die but the child doesn't.

I do like the idea of the Tooth Fairy taking Hannah away.

And still not sure what to do about the title. You brought up great points as to why it needs to change but that's toward the bottom of my list on things that need to be fixed with this script.

Thanks again for the read and the advice!
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