Black in America by Darryl Allen - Short, Comedy - A fifth grader gives a colorful report on the history of Blacks in America. 17 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Code Columbus stands on the shore with his crew looking out at the ocean as a sea of EUROPEAN SHIPS sail their way. JAMAL (V.O.) Columbus sent word back to England and sooner than later, his European brethren were on their way to the New World.

He was working for Spain, not England.

Code JAMAL (V.O.) The land apparently wasn’t big enough for the both of ‘em. Poor Indians. I guess they didn’t know you don’t bring a knife to a gun fight.

The Indians were savages back then. Make no mistake. It wasn't the Europeans that made them that way either, they were slaughtering each other a long time before the Western world got there.

I'm not sure what this has to do with 'blacks' in America. Indians are not black.

Yeah, same with the blacks in Africa, they were mostly savages too. Still are in some parts of Africa, let's be honest. I saw a documentary that told of babies being held by their legs and smashed off trees until dead.

I think this 5th Grader needs a real education.

I don't think you have uploaded the full script.

It ends with the following:

EXT. PLANTATION - FIELD - DAY

Honest opinion, IMHO?

I agree with Dustin on a lot of points (although I would take issue with his definition of what a savage is).

It is supposed to be a comedy, but this was a very depressing read. It is mostly how heinous the colonials treated the blacks, really heavy stuff, added with some laughs around it, seemed inappropriate. Roots and Twelve Years a Slave had hope. There is no hope here. It's like suffering and humiliation being played for laughs.
The Columbus scenes reminded me of the British film 'Carry On Columbus' for some reason.  With boats, beaches, African villages, lions and zebras, this would be a very expensive short; maybe better as an animation?

It starts off amusing, (like Rosie the Riveter), and I liked the idea of history being told by a student in a classroom. But when Jamal is introduced with his mother (both stereotypical African Americans from 70s - 80s movies) it goes downhill for me. It is made worse with Jamal in African Tribal garb. The other kids laugh at him because his but is showing (I presume all the other kids are white even though it is not stated). Jamal narrating the story in front of the class in his gear just left a bitter taste. 'How do you know, you ain't black' It felt like he was saying to the teacher and the reader 'You're white and it's all your fault'.  It's painful.

From script:
An AFRICAN WOMAN, looks famished, walks topless, her breasts sag down to her knees. An AFRICAN MOTHER walks as her two SMALL CHILDREN sit on her ENORMOUS BUTT.

Seriously? Reminds me of those racist cartoons from the 30s and 40s.

Here's another one:

He communicates in an AFRICAN LANGUAGE that consists of making a variety of smacking noises with your mouth.

There's too many CAPS wording, it became irrelevant and distracting.
You capitalize Students and other groups throughout the script.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Pg. 4
The read BLACK IN AMERICA - should be 'that' read  BLACK IN AMERICA
Pg. 10
just on big black cluster - should be just 'one' big black cluster. Still sounds strange.
Pg. 15
the noose around head - should be the noose around 'his' head.