Well, gawl-eeeee! You sure made a lot o' them rookie mistakes just on the title page.
First of all, y'all should've put that dang copyright notice at the bottom left of the title page.
Second of all, this is an anonymous challenge.
Three, don't put your address on the script, as stated above. Just your email is fine, if anything. But again, this is supposed to be anonymous, so you should have left that part blank. Not a promising start.
Only 15 pages. Good. I can speed through this, good or bad.
Much younger than Jim Nabors in 1964. He was 34.
Quoted Text GOMER PYLE, 20, wearing his Marine uniform,[holds] his phone to his ear. |
Right out of the gate, you write in passive voice. Everything "happens." Nothing "is happening." Only use passive when you absolutely need to, which is rare.
Mrs. Garney is original to this script.
By any chance, is Ellen Barbara Eden's character from The Andy Griffith Show?
Usually, in dialogue, you spell out abbreviations such as Mister and Missus.
Ditto numbers.
Well, golly, Gomer! Those ain't Sunday words, I tell ya. ;D
Quoted Text INT. CHOCOLATE FACTORY - TESTING ROOM - DAY |
Is Willy Wonka in this? Or Lucy and Ethel?
Peter Hansen played Lt. Col. Van Pelt. I take it Bunny is his daughter?
I don't think characters were allowed to get so dang drunk back in them days. ;D
Quoted Text Together[,] they leave the taste testing office. |
Carter is 29??? Sutton was 40, going on 41. I don't know about a younger Carter. He should be old enough to be both a superior and a father figure. You don't want Robin to be older than Batman. I don't want to be older than Sarge! LOL.
Wait, so Bunny is Van Pelt's wife?
Quoted Text Now, I know it's not by the book[,] but I'm sure... |
Quoted Text She looks more upset than her father. |
Thank you for clearing that up.
Quoted Text Sergeant Carter takes the opportunity to sneak away. |
Ohhhhh, shit. ;D
Quoted Text Sergeant Carter gets out the door [without] being seen and celebrates with a victory dance. |
Whaaaaat? LOL
Quoted Text I did. I just thought you'd be leaving. [extra space] Not that she'd come here. |
Iraq? So it ain't the gosh-darn good ol' 1960s before them dang hippies and Nixon? I don't know how you can make war funny in this day and age, post-Iraq. But Gomer seemed to in the early days of Vietnam. M*A*S*H, too. It was a different time, before we became so divided.
I take it Ellen Garney is a brand-new character? As is her gold ol' Ma.
I'd cap the BABY, especially if you name him/her.
Quoted Text Ellen's mother, HARRIET GARNEY, 47, [sits in] one chair and [has her feet up on] another. |
Reads better.
I would have CAPPED "CRASHES".
Quoted Text His eyes say, "is she serious"? |
Are you telling us his eyes say, "Is she serious?" or are you asking us? You're the writer. You should know. "
I'm Ron Burgundy?"
Quoted Text Did you look at him, Mom? . |
You're starting to have a few punctuation problems.
Quoted Text What's goin' on between you two[? or !] |
Are Harriet and Edgar divorced?
Quoted Text She releases a cry so loud and so long that the walls tremble. |
I know this is a sitcom, but is this truly realistic? We're not talking about Pearl Krabs.
Wait, the baby's 16 months already? Didn't Helen just give birth one scene ago? If you jump back and forth through time, please be considerate and tell us, either FLASHBACK or give us a time card like "16 months later."
Wait, another baby, four months? I'm confused.
Quoted Text Harriet hesitates as she's buffeted by the wall of sound. |
I know you're not taking about food. Be careful when using figures of speech. Make sure your producer doesn't take them literally, because s/he probably will.
Quoted Text With the speed and precision of a paramedic[,] she knows the routine. |
"Exoskeleton"? Like the Terminator?
Quoted Text Harriet's eyes well up and she begins to weep. The weeps become sobs. The sobs become blubbering. |
Overwritten? A little too SpongeBob.
Man, are your actors trying to win Emmys?
Sex? Goooollly, you couldn't even say that dang word back in them old days. Hell, you couldn't even say "pregnant." Archie Bunker was the first to flush a toilet on TV.
Quoted Text Gomer's sitting on a bench. |
Greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes? ;D
show off = verb
show-off = noun
Funny how you couldn't swear or mention sex, but feel free to smoke as many damn cigarettes as you want. Even Fred and Barney smoked Winstons.
Is JACK Santa?
Quoted Text I've been called worse. |
Keebler? Danny DeVito? Mini-Me? Doc? Dopey? Jeff Sessions?
Quoted Text Jack starts to shiver |
For no mere mortal can resist... the evil of... the Thriller.
*Vincent Price evil laugh*
Quoted Text Tell you what[,] little guy. |
Always offset with commas .
Quoted Text Spendin' so much time alone it's hard to quit. [extra space] My wife won't put up with it. [extra space] You know what, that coat looks good on you. [extra space] Keep it. |
You're having some issues with extra spaces.
Quoted Text The clouds clear and the stars reflect off the apples[,] making them appear magical. |
Quoted Text Okay, who sent you? You tell Duke this is good[,] but it doesn't top the super-glue on the toilet seat. |
Quoted Text The last cigarette Gomer will ever smoke slowly dies. |
Present tense, dude.
At least you solved the hospital question. Or at least I think you did.
Top of page 11. I'm gonna call it a night. See ya in the afternoon. Aww shucks. :)
*Bugle call*
Mornin', Sarge! Back to work I go.
Quoted Text GOMER I love you so much, Ellen. We're goin' home.
INT. MAYBERRY - GOMER'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY |
Literally! :)
TAMMY PYLE? Why aren't SCOTT and MIKE capped? How many kids does she have between the ages of 0 and 3? Dang, she's potent! :D Gomer must have a huge "pile." Or has any time passed? You need to tell us when you jump around through time.
Quoted Text Ellen takes [makes?] a beeline to Gomer. |
I had to google this figure of speech. I'm sure most people will also be unfamiliar.
Quoted Text For the past year[,] if you get four hours of sleep[,] you're lucky. Same for me. |
Quoted Text The [kids] are gettin' older. Right now I'm still barely keepin' the bills paid. I'm doin' everything I can. |
Well, Shazam! This read more like a light drama than a light sitcom. The story was actually pretty good, but the heart of the original was always the Gomer-Carter double act and the fish-out-of-water premise of laid-back, friendly Gomer in the tough-as-nails Marine Corps.
Excellent job entering. :)