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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts / Love Jam
Posted by: Don, June 10th, 2018, 4:49pm
Love Jam by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy, Romance, Humor - An attractive woman affected by philophobia experiences a surprising outcome when she undergoes a brain implantation procedure in an experimental clinic. 9 pages
production: Female protagonist. Inexpensive production. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: HyperMatt, December 21st, 2018, 5:33pm; Reply: 1
Although this has some futuristic elements, this is really a romcom short. The ending is amusing, but feels that it needs a follow-up, although I think it could make a fun short.
A lot of the dialogue is ... that term.. 'on the nose'. "This damn philophobia is destroying my life." "I'm devastated, yesterday Jim asked me if I was in love with him." Two lines of dialogue are completely redundant as we know this from the information already given. In fact, a lot of the dialogue is bulky and could do with some trimming, especially the clinic office scene.
pg. 1. Deep feeling for you - should be 'deep feelings'.
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