Fiesta Muerta by David Lambertson (eldave1) writing as  - Short, Drama - Sometimes, you ought to not leave the country for your bachelor party.  8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Dave,

Just read this one. I really enjoyed it.

Obviously, well-written with fleshed-out characters and effective dialogue.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

Valentina sort of reminded me to Zoe Saldana's character in Colombiana.  I expected Valentina being a killer but even this way it worked very well.

I was curious about the motives of the kidnapping and they didn't disappoint. What I didn't expect was the final twist. I liked it.

Some notes:

Page 3) In this line:

Quoted Text Anthony snorts two lines of cocaine […].

Snorts is missing the 's'.

Page 4 & 5) A nitpicky suggestion --

PENTHOUSE SUITE - A BIT LATER
PENTHOUSE SUITE - EVEN LATER

Maybe could be rewriten as:

PENTHOUSE SUITE – MOMENTS LATER
PENTHOUSE SUITE – LATER

Page 6) There's a typo:

Quoted Text Embedded in its base, an automatic pistol with a a silencer.

I noticed that you use few lines of Spanish here and there in your scripts (The Last Statesman - which I started to read, La Loteria - guessing from the title, this one, …). I suppose you have your own sources, but if you ever need help in this area just tell me.

I think this one would do a nice thriller short. I'd like to see that one playing on the screen.

All the best,

David

Quoted Text I noticed that you use few lines of Spanish here and there in your scripts (The Last Statesman - which I started to read, La Loteria - guessing from the title, this one, …). I suppose you have your own sources, but if you ever need help in this area just tell me. I think this one would do a nice thriller short. I'd like to see that one playing on the screen. All the best, David

Thanks for the read and the notes, David. All on point and useful. Glad you liked it. Appreciate that you took the time to comment.

Who would've thought we'd get some hard-R rated material from Dave! ;D

Well written for sure. I wish I could write like that.

Story wise, I didn't really find it that satisfying, to be honest. IMHO, for that much carnage, I think it all happened too fast. We didn't really get to know any of the characters enough to really care what happened to them.

Question: Why would he put a gold ring and gold Rolex on the table before getting in the water? As far as I know, gold is not harmed by water no matter how much chlorine is it it and a gold Rolex is usually good for up to 30 meters under water before it starts to have issues.

Pia :)

Dave,

‘...pale as a New York winter’.  Great line.

Rocco’s a nice touch - his presence clues us into who/what these guys are without having to rely on exposition to do the heavy lifting.  He also lends a certain edge to those early scenes/set-up that might otherwise have been a bit perfunctory.

Writing’s solid, dialogue works - especially Hector - just enough info for us to fill in the gaps.

For the most part I like it with my only reservations being the payoff.  Valentina leaves with only Joey’s word that he’ll stump up the money?  Given that she just set up his three best friends to be executed I’m struggling to buy into him simply handing over 1 million.  Particularly as he’s supposedly well connected - what's she going to do if he doesn't?  Feels like she should be using more leverage over him to ensure he sends the money.  Maybe draw on the cheating angle to do so - kind of adding insult to injury.

All the best - and good luck with the Page contest.

Steve

Quoted from Grandma Bear Question: Why would he put a gold ring and gold Rolex on the table before getting in the water? As far as I know, gold is not harmed by water no matter how much chlorine is it it and a gold Rolex is usually good for up to 30 meters under water before it starts to have issues. Pia :)

Because he didn't want an uneven tan line ??? :)

Quoted from stevemiles Dave, ‘...pale as a New York winter’.  Great line. Rocco’s a nice touch - his presence clues us into who/what these guys are without having to rely on exposition to do the heavy lifting.  He also lends a certain edge to those early scenes/set-up that might otherwise have been a bit perfunctory. Writing’s solid, dialogue works - especially Hector - just enough info for us to fill in the gaps. For the most part I like it with my only reservations being the payoff.  Valentina leaves with only Joey’s word that he’ll stump up the money?  Given that she just set up his three best friends to be executed I’m struggling to buy into him simply handing over 1 million.  Particularly as he’s supposedly well connected - what's she going to do if he doesn't?  Feels like she should be using more leverage over him to ensure he sends the money.  Maybe draw on the cheating angle to do so - kind of adding insult to injury. All the best - and good luck with the Page contest. Steve

Thanks, Steve - like your suggestions. This one was part of the bracket challenge thing (had to be a 5 characters at a bachelor party). Haven't had a chance to get back to it outside the challenge yet to see where it can be improved - like your suggestions

Ah, I missed that whole challenge.  That makes a lot more sense now.

Quoted from stevemiles Ah, I missed that whole challenge.  That makes a lot more sense now.

Thanks - had constraints - will get back to this one eventually