KTT Part One: The Polar Cabal by Gerasimos Rozis - Action, Adventure - When a terrorist group steals the blueprints for a new submarine technology that threatens the balance of the world's naval warfare, the point man of KTT, Martin Jacobs, is called in arms. 110 pages

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Writer interested in feedback on this work

The Polar Cabal - Synopsis - Action/spy

James Barns is the FBI agent in charge of the Joint Terrorism Task Force investigation over a terrorist attack in Stanford University. When the President himself asking for the terrorist's head on a plate (the one who planned the attack) in less than 60 days, the JTTF delivers in time.

Soon after, a russian submarine considered decommissioned, engages into a series of wargames against a US destroyer and another Russian sub in the North Atlantic, revealing an innovative antitorpedo system, capable of blocking incoming attacks. The President calls for Martin Jacobs, the leader of KTT group One, an unlimited resources and clearance agency, to investigate this, and if possible steal that system before it gets to the wrong hands.

Martin's investigation reveals a connection among the terrorist attack in Stanford and that hi-tech system, and all hell breaks loose.

On his way to stealing that new technology, Martin not only has to find a way to steal that system, but also to deal with  the future of his KTT group after his retirement.


This is an action-spy script, including three naval warfare scenes, which I'm still working on.

Note: I ditched around 10 pages of 'research' around the investigations in order to extend the battlescenes and not cross the 110 page limit. If anyone feels that more info around those investigations is needed/needs more clarification or it's just too forced, please let me know!

My logline sucks, yes I'll change it soon.

Read the opening of your first battle scene:

Quoted Text INT./EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE ARCTIC OCEAN - SAME TIME 30 miles away, USS MICHAEL MURPHY, ambles next to the frozen point of no return; a monstrous glacier of epic proportions ahead.

You don't need 30 miles away in the description - if critical - put it in the header. Also the description is redundant (monstrous and epic)  I would just go with something like:

The battleship USS MICHAEL MURPHY glides towards a monstrous glacier.

Quoted Text Captain Jonathan Masterson, emotionless, chats with his Executive Officer (EO).

Describe the captain and include an age - just call the other character EXECUTIVE OFFICER - no need for the EO - also - all characters should be capped when intro'd. Don't need chats with - the dialogue that follows tells us that.

CAPTAIN JOHNATHAN MASTERSON (age - description) looks out over the sea. Next to him, his EXECUTIVE OFFICER (age - description).

Quoted Text JONATHAN Such a peaceful day. MASTERSON’S EO Indeed Captain, another day close to heaven. JONATHAN (points the glacier) Let’s keep it just close to it then. Go around that. MASTERSON’S EO Yes Captain!

Seems a bit silly - the go around that part - I assume that the EXECUTIVE OFFICER knows not to sail into a glacier. Again - just call him EXECUTIVE OFFICER rather than MASTERSON'S CO

Quoted Text The EO turns towards the Helmsman.

You have a new character here (HELMSMAN) - not properly intro'd as is - should be capped, age - description.

Quoted Text Orders given and affirmed. The destroyer moves around the iceberg.

Don't need given and confirmed - the dialogue already has it.

Quoted Text A torpedo launches out of nowhere. In the sonar shack, red beeping lights bombard the computer display. The young Sonar Operator (SO) removes his headset, furiously thumbs buttons, like playing a piano.

Lots of issues here. Torpedo launching out of nowhere is  unclear - what am I supposed to be seeing?

You moved to another location (THE SONAR SHACK) without a change in scene heading.

Don't use the SO - just call him SONAR OPERATOR - all these initials are going to confuse your reader.  

Quoted Text MASTERSON’S SO Sonar conn captain! Torpedo in the water. It’s active! JONATHAN Battle stations!

Above very  unclear - are the SONAR OPERATOR and the CAPTAIN in the same room??? Isn't the Captain on deck?

Quoted Text Crew at battle stations. From peace to hell in less than a second.

Not enough - you need to describe the CREW scurrying towards battle stations i n more detal.

Quoted Text Jonathan looks unconcerned. Find out who that idiot is.

I did not understand the above - what idiot? Why wouldn't he be concerned - a torpedo is coming.

Quoted Text Amplified pings. Torpedo is getting closer. The destroyer reaches the edge of the glacier. A hard left turn, gets behind it.

Again - very confusing. I assume when we are hearing PINGS we are in the Sonar Room and we must be on deck as we see the Destroyer reach the glacier. Needs to be something like. Also - CAP sounds. Something like:

SONAR ROOM

The SONAR OPERATOR trembles as the PINGS amplify signalling the torpedo closing in.

ON THE DECK

Wide eye CREW watch as the Destroyer nears the glacier.

Not that exactly - but the point is if you are going to different spots on the ship - you need to point that out with a mini-slug or a full header - much like you would do if your character was moving through a house.

Quoted Text MASTERSON’S EO 10 seconds Captain.

Missing a comma after seconds.

Quoted Text The glacier gets in between the destroyer and the incoming torpedo.

The glacier moved?? I think you mean the ship gets behind the glacier - right?

I'm going to stop here because you have the same problems throughout. I am guessing they permeate the script and you probably need to clean that up everywhere.  And some of it is basic stuff (e.g., character intros, scene headings, etc.) - So, there is some homework in order IMO.

Dialogue is just okay - sometimes it is too stereotypical - sometimes a bit unnatural. But you should not worry about that now - fix the issues above.

HOWEVER:

Don't get distraught.  I think you have a great imagination. The essence of the scene is great. A Destroyer using a glacier as a shield against a mysterious torpedo - that's great stuff, mate.  So, my gut is that you are a talented story teller who needs to learn the nasty guidelines of the script writing business.

Read some battle scenes from pro scripts, research formatting/character intros etc and you will get there. Like I said - you already have the hardest part down - imagination.

Thanks Dave for the fast reply!

Couple things to clarify.

Captain Jonathan Masterson, has been introduced properly (capitals, age) earlier in the script, so I guess there is no reason to re-introduce him.

The reason I chose the Masterson's EO/SO etc is due to the fact that throughout the script there are 2 subs, 1 destroyer and 1 carrier with similar officers participating in the dialogue/action, so I guessed it's easier to clarify who is who from the start.

The 'orders given and affirmed' is a casual description on couple other famous movie scripts. I'll probably ditch it anyways.

"Jonathan looks unconcerned. Find out who that idiot is." I thought that it's obvious, when a destroyer positions behind a glacier, the incoming torpedo will hit the glacier and not the ship while on full stop. I'll clarify this somehow^^  (later on "The glacier gets in between the destroyer and the incoming torpedo" yes that's a mistake, should have been something like " the Destroyer gets behind the glacier, uses it as a shield, providing full cover from the incoming torpedo or something"...)

Really appreciate the notes!

Quoted from Gerasimos Thanks Dave for the fast reply! Couple things to clarify. Captain Jonathan Masterson, has been introduced properly (capitals, age) earlier in the script, so I guess there is no reason to re-introduce him. The reason I chose the Masterson's EO/SO etc is due to the fact that throughout the script there are 2 subs, 1 destroyer and 1 carrier with similar officers participating in the dialogue/action, so I guessed it's easier to clarify who is who from the start. The 'orders given and affirmed' is a casual description on couple other famous movie scripts. I'll probably ditch it anyways. "Jonathan looks unconcerned. Find out who that idiot is." I thought that it's obvious, when a destroyer positions behind a glacier, the incoming torpedo will hit the glacier and not the ship while on full stop. I'll clarify this somehow^^  (later on "The glacier gets in between the destroyer and the incoming torpedo" yes that's a mistake, should have been something like " the Destroyer gets behind the glacier, uses it as a shield, providing full cover from the incoming torpedo or something"...) Really appreciate the notes!

Glad they helped.  Best of luck

Final draft is up.