1, 2, tick - optioned

Posted by: Don, July 23rd, 2018, 9:41pm

1,2, tick by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - A young girl, forced to becomes a suicide bomber by her brother seeks help from the only person she trusts. One location. Car. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: DanielW, July 23rd, 2018, 10:16pm; Reply: 1

Simon,

I like the concept. There’s a spelling mistake here and there that can be ironed out.

*******Spoiler Alert********
The issue is, why wouldn’t she go to the police (bomb squad) to get it removed?
If he’s successful at getting the belt off, where does that leave the girl and her brother?
But then again, maybe the brother’s hoping she goes to the police, so he can remotely detonate the bomb???
My mind’s just ticking over about this one (sorry for the pun).

As I said, I like the concept.

Daniel

Posted by: LC, July 24th, 2018, 12:36am; Reply: 2

SPOILERS BELOW:

...buckle my shoe...'

He studied the belt of explosives as
best he can.

'studies' Keep it present tense. 'He studies the belt of explosives'. ' As best he can' is redundant imh.

Simon, I'm sorry but I'm not buying this as a bittersweet tale of love finally come to fruition in the face of tragedy.

There are too many things verging on soap opera instead of genuine pathos.

He pulls those wires at the back on a wing and a prayer?!

and:

'What is this?'
They both have no idea what a countdown looks like?

You're relying on a big bang ending to shock and impress your audience but in this case the preceding dialogue from both characters is just going to come off as not credible imh.

Posted by: Zack, July 24th, 2018, 8:36am; Reply: 3

This has a great premise, but the execution is lacking. I'd say expand this and add some more character to it. As it is now, it's just over to fast. Give it a rewrite and up the suspense. I also noticed a few typos. And what's up with the title page? It needs to be centered.

Zack

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