Print Topic

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  /  The Last Link
Posted by: Don, July 24th, 2018, 8:54am
The Last Link by Pierce Lay - Sci Fi, Fantasy - Anthony Keogh, Dublin junkie, all round loser, going nowhere fast... but when the fate of the world hangs in the balance, might there be more to him than meets the eye?  120 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: HyperMatt, January 1st, 2019, 9:48am; Reply: 1
I think this could be very interesting. I think you have to work on that logline though, to make it clearer on what the story is about.
Posted by: HyperMatt, January 1st, 2019, 10:53am; Reply: 2
Interesting title.
I had a look at the first 5 pages. This is just my opinion, I’m sure others would disagree.
I found the first scene hurtling to Earth interesting, but up to page 5 it is very hard to know what is going on. We’ve gone to Ireland then to China, then we go to the late Randy Savage giving an interview. I don’t have a clear idea in my head what is going on.  I think it is because of the style is written is more novel-like than screenplay-like. Here’s 2 examples:
‘Replaced by...well lets just say, something a little less urbane’
‘Might even say...like something straight out of a movie.’
When I started screenwriting, I was told my writing was more like a book narrative (and now I’m trying to write a book I’m trying to relearn that style). Screenplays need to be clear, succinct and move the story at a steady pace.
EXT. SPACE is fine, I don't think you have to add DAY/NIGHT
When I write, I tend to have an edit cut in my head of how the scene should proceed, angle’s, close-ups. But when we do it on script form, we’re stepping on the director and cinematographer’s toes. Write them sparingly, and when you do, try to describe it within the paragraph rather than ANGLE ON’ and so on.
‘ WE turn’ – there is a lot of advice not to use the ‘We’ tool. I try to use it only when there is no other way I can see to describe the scene, but do you have to capitalize it?
I think check grammar and typos as well, e.g. Page 2. ‘The Girl’ should be ‘The girl’.
‘NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON TYPE’ joins us on VOICE OVER, why not something like The Smooth tones of a Neil Degrasse-Tyson VOICE OVER is heard (or NARRATOR?).
I hope this helps.
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), January 2nd, 2019, 4:15am; Reply: 3

Quoted from HyperMatt
...and now I’m trying to write a book I’m trying to relearn that style...


I had to do that too. I took so long out learning to write screenplays that when I went back it was actually really difficult to retrain my brain. My main problem now is with tense. I catch myself writing in present tense and have to go back and edit it... if I catch it! Keep at it and good luck.
Posted by: HyperMatt, January 2nd, 2019, 5:27am; Reply: 4
Yeah Dustin. I always thought that writing a novel would be a walk in the park compared to the disciplines and structuring of screenwriting, especially if you have the story already in screenplay form. Not so.
Print page generated: May 7th, 2024, 1:24pm