Chauffeur Driven by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - A spoilt rich kid is left abandoned in the middle of nowhere by his Chauffeur. But it's only now that he comes to understand life. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey,

Some issues I saw immediately. You spelled spoiled wrong in your log as “spoilt”. Later I caught you writing “been” instead of being, also “tyre” instead of tire. I’m guessing english may not be your first language?

In The first scene, the slug says a taxi, but the the first action line says “A luxury car.” Also the main character has a driver, so I’m assuming you forgot to update your slug lines?

UPDATE: You say the kid is in a luxury taxi, I’m not hip to this, what’s a luxury taxi? If the kid is rich, why’s he even in a taxi? He’s rich.

The driver just drives. The first scene makes it seem like the kid is gonna get dropped off at school. The very next scene, you say “the return journey.” This came off as kind of lazy. Suggestion, why not just have the scene just be the driver bringing the kid home from school?

This needs to be cleaned up, the story is there, but it needs to be cleaned up. 

Good luck to you.