Kiss Goodnight - Print Topic

Hi Oksana,

Intriguing story, I liked the twist. Some nice descriptions too. There are a few writing errors that I'll show you. I am certainly no expert in grammar but I'll show you what I know.

*BEN, 10, in a pajama with a ghost print, holds a
flashlight upward.* Should be 'in pajamas'

*Tom turned round immediately. Ben turns off the light and grabs the brother growling.*
Make sure you keep it in present tense, such as--- 'Tom turns around'.
The next sentence doesn't read right and using 'the brother' adds to a confusing read.  Just use the characters name, it's easier for the reader to process the action --- 'Ben turns off the light  grabs Tom and growls at him.'

*Ben tilts his head to one side, gazing at Tom.* 'and gazes at Tom'

*A door creaks shortly downstairs. Brothers glance at the clock.* Take out 'shortly' doesn't make sense. 'The boys'  or 'they both', or 'the brothers' glance at the clock.

*Wooden planks screeched in the corridor.* 'Wooden planks screech in the corridor.'

*Someone puts a key in the lock.* Because you've already let us know someone is approaching you don't need to add 'someone' in this sentence. Just need to write the action of a key being put into the lock.

*Tom hides the flashlight under the pillow and falls flat
on his back.
Someone puts a key in the lock. It clicks two times.
Another key clanks on the ring and goes in the second
lock, makes two spins again. The door opens.
MOM, 40, steps in. She wears the long white gown, her
dark hair perches on shoulder blades like limbs of a
gigantic spider. She looks around and limps toward the
boys, breathing heavily.*

You need spaces between each new action sequence you have already created i.e

*Tom hides the flashlight under the pillow and falls flat
on his back.

Someone puts a key in the lock. It clicks two times.
Another key clanks on the ring and goes in the second
lock, makes two spins again. The door opens.

MOM, 40, steps in. She wears the long white gown, her
dark hair perches on shoulder blades like limbs of a
gigantic spider. She looks around and limps toward the
boys, breathing heavily.*

*She wears the long white gown* 'She wears a long white gown'

*her dark hair perches on shoulder blades like limbs of a
gigantic spider.* need to add on *her* shoulder blades' This is an awsome visual! Well done..!

*Someone rustles sheets noisily. Tom digs up the flashlight and aims it forward.* Is this 'someone' Tom? If so best to say Tom rustles the sheets noisily. It's too confusing to add the word 'someone' into the sentence when we know who is in the room already, also the director needs to know who is doing the action.

*Tom throws light down.* this reads awkwardly.

*Mom’s bare feet are twitching on a dark floor.* needs to be on 'the' dark floor.

*Tom throws light down. Mom’s bare feet are twitching on a
dark floor. She stands on her knees beside the bottom
bed. Her head and hands lurk in the shadow.
Tom descends carefully, clenching the flashlight in one
hand. When his toes touch the floor, he illuminates two
figures. Mom buried her face in a pillow, hands stretched
out in wide V.*
This sequence is very confusing. It took me a bit to figure out what was going on....She can't be standing on her knees this makes no sense. the reader needs to know with your action lines that first off --- Tom shines the light to reveal that his mother is kneeling beside Ben's bed and we can see her twitching feet. (A good description 'twitching feet! nice!)  Then Tom gets off the bed slowly and with the flashlight illuminates the rest of her showing her arms stretched out over the bed with her face buried in a pillow on Ben's bed at the end or side of Ben's bed.

*His eyes are blood-red with no pupils; a thin veil of dark vessels covers his deadly pale cheeks.* Great description!

*Tom drops a flashlight* drops 'the' flashlight. It might be a good idea to google about the use of 'a' and 'the', it's very useful. and better than me trying to explain...:)

*He grasps Mom’s wrist only to dig his sharp teeth into her flesh.* 'he grabs his mom's wrist then digs his sharp teeth into her flesh.' You don't need to add 'only to' it just takes away for the flow of the action...

*In a light of fallen flashlight two brothers drink Mom’s blood.* 'In 'the' light of 'the' fallen flashlight........

This is a good creepy contained short with a very low budget and cool twist.... and I can only imagine how difficult it is to write in English when it's not your main language. I find it hard enough when it is.. ;)

Just work on that re write and put it back out there!

Cheers Kirsten