Sam, I Am by I.C. Kareem - Short, Crime, Historical Fiction, Thriller - A heat wave, a blackout, and a serial killer take their toll on three Studio 54 patrons on July 13, 1977. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hello writer,

This one is whacky, waaaay out there man. It has a stellar cast and location. The writing had me confused. It was too precise on the action, describing the actors movements robot fashion. I had no idea what the GUN P.O.V was or where at first which threw me out of the story until the lights went out but by then I was skimming.

The biggest problem for me is it has dialogue. You have characters talking in the action. Which, for me, goes against the constraints of the challenge.

Bravo for attempting something so grand though and entering.

-Mark

Why are the names of the characters on single lines by themselves?

It was hard to keep up with the story because of the writing style.
Not sure why the Son of Sam was shooting at them wasn't his style but i guess you were tying in two NYC bits of history.

not a bad effort good job on entering

Writing wise solid as they come. Story wise not my cup of tea. Don't think you need the celibrity characters.  Most importantly,  the heat seems irrelevant.  All the action could take place with or without it.

A pound of cocaine?!?!? Must've been a huge frickin' mirror!

What's up with the black void? And the gun POV? I'm a bit lost.

Who is the night vision's POV? A flashlight in her jean's pocket? This must've been written by someone that didn't live in the '70s. Those jeans were so tight that women couldn't put a credit card in their back pocket! Even with that, the '70s sucked.

Sorry, not for me. I'm confused as hell what just happened. Good effort and kudos for entering!

Yeah this lost me and its way towards the end. i don't know the full story of the Son of Sam case and it seems to be linked with a famous NYC blackout.

But the weather isn't a factor and you have dialogue. Not in the true sense but its there so...

Soooooo, writer,

Writing stripes, you’ve already got them. That was fluid and basically all the technique and what not looked flawless to me.

So, the story itself. I hate to join the chorus, really I do, but it’s just too out there. It’s a shame as you’ve nailed half of it, and just the actual story stuff ain’t there!! You want to know the good news? This should mean that Jeff loves it (according to our pre challenge discussion)!

Anyway, swing and a miss but I’m well curious to know who this is,

Cam

I like the surreal tinge and would love to see this a few drafts later.
A few thoughts to ponder:
1] It says "the handkerchief" but no handkerchief has been introduced.
2] Who takes a flashlight to a disco?
3] Why does the guard pull a gun just to put it away.
4] Too much talking in the descriptions, not a contender for the no-dialogue challenge.
Keep going!

Well, I love The Stones, but it seems they did do the glam/disco stuff which I didn't care for.
You held my interest here with this story. It was nice to take a trip back in time.
I would like to read the rewrite if you do one.
Cindy

A pound of coke?  WTF?  How big is the table and mirror this is on, or is it that you have no clue how much a pound of coke is?

"GUN BARREL P.O.V." - MARLON - WTF?  Makes no sense.  First of all, how can we have a gun barrel POV?  Are you saying it's of Marlon?  Not formatted correctly.

Why is "MARLON" on its own line after the POV?  Are you trying to use A Subject Slug?

"BLACK VOID" - as a Slug?  WTF?

Page 2 - OK, so Clyde just arranged his pound of coke into a single line?  Damn!!!

Well, once you intro all these stars, I know it's time for me to make an exit.  I really don't care what's going to happen, as the writing is very poor and there's absolutely no story through 3 pages.

Quoted from Cameron Writing stripes, you’ve already got them. That was fluid and basically all the technique and what not looked flawless to me. So, the story itself. I hate to join the chorus, really I do, but it’s just too out there. It’s a shame as you’ve nailed half of it, and just the actual story stuff ain’t there!! You want to know the good news? This should mean that Jeff loves it (according to our pre challenge discussion)Cam

Really, Cam?  Looks like 1 of us doesn't know what good writing looks like, as this is far from well written, easy to read/follow, visual, etc.

Funny thing is that I see alot of your reviews mention how good or flawless the writing is, when in reality, it's nowhere close.

Wow. This must be a pisser.

Unlike Jeff, I didn't think the actual writing was awful, but there are some serious issues throughout.

And what's with the characters talking to each other in the action line!? Instant fail right there.

The story was just too out there and wacky for me to get into it. I was lost by the end.

Sorry to sound so negative. At least you got an entry in.

Zack

I don't think there is a story to this one at all .... it's just sort of events that happen and end. Didn't really interest me a whole lot to be honest, I mean it wasn't bad, just nothing worked for with this.

The black void and later the gunbarrel p.o.v is strange. Do we see nothing but black then somehow see this barrel of the gun? Why is there a black void before the power cuts out? How can we tell the power is cut out when we only see the black void?

Good effort.

She asks Marlon and Clyde if they have their own flashlights.

How did she ask that without dialogue while the place is pitch black?


There are some references that I didn't get. Maybe if I had the cultural background needed I would have enjoyed this more. Nothing to complain about except your attempt to convey what the characters are saying without dialogue.

I just didn't get what you were going for with this. That's why I couldn't enjoy it.

I assume based on real life events , in fact I googled the picture and saw various of Jagger, Warhol etc

I’ve read a few in the past that try and re tell old stories - seems a harder ticket than normal

This is also one of those that probably needed dialogue more than others.

I wondered if you told the story purely from the shooters POV it would be crisper, probably creepy and unclear as to what will happen and why. Just a thought. Could then be quite contained.

You can't just not write the dialogue that's clearly going on to meet the challenge requirement.

It was nice to see Jagger and company make another OWC appearance. Last time was a ghost story, this time they're partying up in Studio 54 the night of the great blackout. And you throw David Berkowitz, the Summer of Sam killer, in there just for good measure.

There's really no story here. Partying it up, lights go out, a shot rings out, escape, and accidentally get the drop on the serial killer that's been terrorizing the neighborhood. It's just a series of events that don't gel together into anything cohesive.

Good effort, but missed the mark.

The story here was lost on me.

I had to google Studio 54 so not off to a great start.

The no dialogue parameter seemed to be skipped over by showing people chatting and asking for things, just not writing what they actually say.

I can't see how the weather impacts the plot.

Not for me.  

Writer,

I can appreciate your take on Son Of Sam -- historical fiction, it's all up to you, I guess. Others are right--a pound of cocaine is freaking huge! And unless they were in a private room or something, as far back as I can remember, cocaine was still illegal back in the 70s. Maybe ownership turns a blind eye back in the wild 70s. Now Mick and Keith are here. Wow! Honestly, it ads nothing to the story here, but okay. So, you have dialogue going on in your action blocks. Well, I guess you already know that counts as dialogue, right? Anyway, not a horrible entry, but doesn't work for me. Good effort!

Steve

This started out strong. but lost me when the celebs showed up. is there a reason they are there? Was this a real life event? If so then I guess it makes sense, but having them all pop in as cameos takes away from your characters and story I think. Instead on wondering whats going on, now all I'm thinking about is what is Kieth Richards gonna do next? You got in your own way.

There are a few times you have characters speak in the action and that's a no no with the challenge parameters. It works at first as the music blares over them but once the power goes out and it's a lot quieter it doesn't work for me. Lots of this in the script actually.

Why have Harold appear at the end as he appears to be the main protag in that the actually does something? The other three do next to nothing to advance your story. They are window dressing.

Shame. The writing is good and the beginning was strong. But I feel the constraints of 6 pages and no dialogue hampered you quite a bit here.

pound of cocaine--already loving this one.

I was really into this until you started naming all the stars. I do not know half of these people or about them and didn't feel like spending an hour googling. So there may be a really cool story... something you have done with history to change the events to change history but I'm not sure because I do not have time to do the research.

Also the jumping around of POVs was a bit confusing for me during the read.

I really wanted to love this one but you need to remember that not everyone will know who you are writing about so you better make a really good story so we have no need to know of the real people or you better give us all the backstory somehow.

Good job

Hey writer

I'm not sure if this is totally historically accurate, but one thing is for sure -
that's a lot of cocaine!  

The heat parameter - meh.  Okay, it's summer in NYC.    Although, much of the action takes place inside the club which was air conditioned  even in the 70's .
The dialogue - not so much.  Although there are no written words, you have entire conversations going on in your action lines. And not all of them are drowned out by the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack.

I don't know if a gun has a POV, since it lacks vision.

Dark Void?


Good luck in the contest.

Last one. This better be good.

A pound of cocaine is a bit much, no? I can understand not being good with measurements, or Google being of no help.

I'm surprised some of my fellow writers don't know the NYC heat wave of '77, the blackout, or the Son of Sam. Spike Lee made a movie about it.

Some people are giving you, and other writers, flack for having "non-dialogue" "dialogue." Ignore them. They would disqualify every silent movie ever made. I assume this is meant to play as a silent film?

The gun barrel P.O.V. could have been written as

Quoted Text KILLER'S P.O.V. (GUN BARREL)

But it's small potatoes.

I like the character minislugs. They are very helpful in orienting the reader.

It's very clear what's happening.

I assume you meant a "gram" of coke and not a "pound." Easy mistake to make.

And who doesn't know who Keith Richards, Mick Jagger, David Bowie, and Andy Warhol are/were? They were frequent 54 patrons, so this isn't totally out of the realm of possibility.

The night vision scene is very easy to understand, as is that Jenny turns her flashlight on. How could the reader have missed this? Must have skimmed.

This could easily be shot as a silent movie as pass the "no dialogue" test. It seems several readers didn't take that into consideration.

It's not a masterpiece, but it's very well done, for the most part. You've satisfied the challenge in my book. Congratulations, writer.