Red Sun Burn by Bob Zeebub - Short, Crime - {no logline} - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Uh oh...no logline.  Bad start.

Opening Slug incorrect.  Using a slash means it's both locations.  I think need a dash here to show we're on Waikiki Beach, which is in Honolulu, Hawaii.

This looks like a very tough read, based on the length of each passage, and the opening passage is more than a mouthful - 4 lines of describing a guy drinking a cola.

The POV's are completely unnecessary.

Sorry, but 1 page is all I'm going to get through here.  The writing is trying so damn hard, but what it's accomplishing is simply annoying me to no end.  Way too detailed, too long winded, and just hard to follow what you're trying to show.

Wow, this is rough. This is way over-written with needless information. Why give them names? We'd never know, if filmed. I'm 2.5 pages into this and am determined to finish this....

The story is there and it's not a bad one, either. It just needs to have the fat trimmed so it can really shine. It's hard to read this without skimming and I probably missed something because of that.

Good story but needs a lot of work for it to work.

Some neat ideas.
Try writing again with about 75% of the words. Anything that you can take out, do.
Scene headings are confusing and could prompt a busy reader to set this down.
A few other thoughts:
1] You can't film "Her chest tightens."
2] Just pulling an alarm doesn't immediately cause all the sprinklers to go off.
3] POVs not needed (at least not most)
4] Unlikely that anyone would ask people where they got the melons without a single word (even if they speak a different language)
5] While he's escaping over the balcony why would he take a photo of that?
Keep going! This could turn out to be something.

This was dense - right from the opening through the last page.  It is in need of trimming - most things are way over described.

Several errors in scene headers.

The theme of the OWC was met - good on you for that.  But the writing needs to be more efficient.

No logline is always a warning sign.

This reads like a novel. Maybe you should be an author?

The over writing here is off the charts. Scripts should be bare minimum, what you to write to tell the story. Less is more. Instead I know every tattoo, beverage and article of clothing seen on camera but have no idea what is going on by pg 2. With only 6 pages to work with you REALLY dont have the time or space to get bogged down in stuff like this.

UNLESS for some reason the dragon tattoos and fizzy drinks and loungers somehow play a major role later in the story, then they'd be acceptable. But if they don't they need to be cut.

I have a suspicion who the author is given a previous OWC entry this reminds me of. I won't call them out, but it's funny how some styles stand out to you. I'll have to wait till this is over to see if I'm right.

Hmm, sorry, too long winded for me.

I think an effective short 'short' needs a very simple idea. There's no reason in a story like this for there to be no dialogue, other than this is what the challenge required.

Good for you for getting it done, but a bit too convoluted a plot and too much story for six minutes, imh.

Hey writer,

Judging by the style I think I know who this writer is, as they didn't want to take on board the advice re over writing it in the last OWC. Anyway, as you can tell by the above comments, it's happened again and it's a shame as you can clearly write.

As per last OWC (assuming I'm correct about the author), pay attention to the other scripts, especially the two exceptionally short ones which are killing it at the moment. Hit reset and come back swinging.

Cam

No logline

Took a lot to slug through this. Could have had 2 entries for this much writing.

The story was ok but didn't notice any use of heat or cold besides the setting on a beach.

Sorry not my fav

Maybe tone it way down and you might have a bigger impact

overall - i liked that. this has legs


im not into detail notes but just beware at the WAITER needed caps to be identified.

chemical engineering mag - best line i have read so far in this OWC

the intercuts - they need cleaning up to make clear - series of shots may be better

the heavy paragraphs at front and end suggest was hard to fit in

i have now read above, and everyone agree - tighten this up

but - this is better than expected, and has a sound depth

i love the hidden team - nicely drip fed

if only you could tighten this, many more would applaud - i can help if you want to look at this after

so i will give you a ... well done

I won't repeat what everyone has already said in detail, just that I agree. Make it leaner, cut down on the intercuts, give the characters names and this will read a lot better.

No logline. Not a great start.

Writing dense. Way too much detail for my liking.

There may be a good story in here but it's hard work getting to it because of the way it's been written.

If I didn't have 27 scripts to read through, I may have continued. But as it stands, I'm out on page 3.

Best of luck.

Very heavy.. hard to read like this..

Whale and Barracuda??

I would say there is a story here that could be really cool but you need to cut a lot out of this ... and get to the main story as soon as possible.

Good luck and congrats getting one done in a week.

Sorry to join the chorus, but no longline? That's a death sentence.

Is it Red Sun Burn or Red Sunburn?

A slug with a slash indicate more than one location. For once, Jeff's right about something. ;)

Waaaay overwritten, just on the first paragraph. That's fine for a novel, but this is a screenplay. Hell, even Shakespeare introduced Hamlet in three words -- "King of Denmark." Nothing more, nothing less. Take a cue from The Bard.

I would use "Sun lounger" only once, if at all.

This is gonna be a chore to slog through, and this is jus the first page.

I'd cap the WAITER. Even then, coupled with overwriting, you're introducing too many characters at once. This isn't going to bode well.

Quoted Text The waiter[,] on a mission, ignores him.

"On a mission"? What mission? Is he a secret agent or superhero? Or a detective?

The POV should be written as:

Quoted Text JOHN'S POV - THE WAITER Blah blah blah

And when the POV ends, you write:

Quoted Text BACK TO SCENE

There's those words again, "sun loungers." It's getting a bit repetitive.

Quoted Text STEFIANIA’S POV (over sunglasses) - "THE WHALE" The man's tattooed sidekick, BARRACUDA, watches the Whale motion aggressively to the nervous waiter.

Trim, trim, trim.

Quoted Text In a flash of violence[,] the Whale rolls over, rises[,] and flips the waiter’s tray[,] sending the drinks splashing to the sand.

Gesticulate means to use gestures in a dramatic way, like a (wannabe) Shakespearean actor. There's that Bard again.

John La Carré is a British novelist (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, The Spy Who Came in from the Cold, A Delicate Truth).

POV should be written as shots.

https://gointothestory.blcklst.com/question-how-to-handle-pov-shots-c25c59d21ac3

I'm at the end of page one. I can't bear anymore. The story is boring, the writing is excessive. Nothing is happening. I get zero sense that this is a crime script. Rather, it would be a crime for me to continue.

The first appearance of the waiter should be capitalized.
Okay. This is a good attempt at a thriller. However, there wasn't enough suspense in there to make it compelling. I loved the bit with Molly dropping the phone in the bucket. But you spent so much time establishing the characters and their positions. A time you could have spent adding more thrilling scenes. It's like there was too much bread in this sandwich.

Best of luck. Thanks for participating.

Picking scripts with the fewest reads...

This one was a little hard to get into. Took more than one page to get to anything actually happening. I liked how the couple worked together on getting the info from the hotel room and even managed to get a little suspense in there when Stefania lost her phone and the Whale was waiting outside. What got me confused was the Yakuza suite, Yakuza sharks, Whale, Barracuda...

There's a story there, but you need to trim this one down for a easier and better read and I would also suggest you give the characters real names so they are easier to picture as real people and not cartoon characters.  

Thanks for taking paty.  :)

Hey Writer,

Sorry to say but this was a rough one. :(

First, no logline is a BIG no-no. That is your first chance to draw a reader in. Catch their eye. You didn't even make an attempt.

Then we get to the actual script. Holy shit, this is overwritten as Hell. Super chunky. Makes the entire read an absolute slog. As I've said before... Put some white on these pages. You're writing a screenplay, not a novel.

Unfortunately I'm out at page 3. Reading a script shouldn't be this hard. :(

I'm sorry to sound so negative. I'd strongly suggest reading some scripts here and taking some notes.

Zack

Writer,

Boy, the use of Barracuda and Whale as names became damn distracting real quick. So much so that it took me completely out of the read. Then there were the two line slugs. Sorry to say, I started skimming as the style of writing and the scenes really were not cohesive and I pretty much became completely lost. Not for me.

Steve

Dear writer,

I never bail on a script.  NEVER.  Until now.

As mentioned above, this bush needs some trimming.
We don't need to know every detail.  

Slugs are incorrect/not right.
Also, how many POV shots do you need?  It's almost a vacation video.

Good luck.