Change by Nobody Important - Short, Drama - A passive but opportunistic ice cream clerk jumps at the chance to impress his secret crush when his chance arises.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Another comedy...interesting, as I'm just picking these randomly.  I hope this is funnier than the 1st one.

2nd passage not well written at all.

4th passage very odd, as you're describing action outside your Slug for no reason I can see.

Writing is not good throughout.  Awkward.  Passages not correctly broken up.  The no dialogue thing is not helping here, as again, like the 1st script I read, this feels like a silent movie, and not at all natural.

Why in the world would any employee allow someone to take their tips?  Makes no sense.  This isn't remotely funny or entertaining.

The CUT TO BLACKs are completely unnecessary.  The RING A DINGs are annoying.

Missing commas throughout.

This is becoming a real struggle, but I'll finish it.

OK...uh...I had to skim the last 3 pages.  I see zero comedy here.  Writing is very poor throughout.  Passages not written correctly at all.  The no dialogue thing does not work with this story at all, and the story itself is very dull and unrealistic.

Not for me at all, sadly.

It was not supposed to be comedy, so I have deleted that part.

Quoted from Grandma Bear It was not supposed to be comedy, so I have deleted that part.

Gotcha.  I'm glad it's not supposed to a comedy.   ;D ;D ;D

A cute little story but not so much my taste. Thomas is pretty much a loser if he didn't figure out to clean out his tip tray every time Aiden entered the shop. He must've been quite the looker for Jill to want anything to do with such a wet rag.

No complaints. It would be difficult to order ice cream without dialog. Summer heat was really just the season. It didn't seem to have any influence on what took place.

Good job, writer.

This seems to be an allegory, which is fine, but I'm a bit confused about the overall message.

Aiden is the vanilla ice cream, plain, there's no depth, what you see is what you get, and that's nothing good. (Do you have something against vanilla?)

Thomas is mint chocolate chip, complex with hidden depth, exciting only in that he's the opposite of vanilla Aiden.

You call this piece change, and Aiden is always taking "Change" but no one changes. Even Jill in the end hasn't demonstrated change, except she takes initiative for the first time by going to Thomas. Unless this fair is their entire world though, even that's hard to believe.

At first I thought "You can't just leave out the dialogue!" but as an allegory it works, it just took a couple of pages to see where this was going. I could see this with exaggerated expressions, almost caricaturist gestures.

My biggest complaint with the story is the ending. Thomas is so pathetic it seems almost unjust that Jill returns to him in the end. He has no spine. That's where I'm confused by the allegory, what message does that deliver? Violence is not the way? If Aiden had decked him and he fled, Jill would have seen Aiden for what he is and returning to Thomas would have made sense. Jill's the one who attacked Emily, so is Jill even worth Thomas's time if he's so anti-violence?

Like I said, I'm confused by the ending. The rest worked for me.

A few thoughts:
1] a "handful of change" indicates their hand is full. I think you might mean something more like "a few coins."
2] I can't really find a reason to like Thomas. I dislike him a little from the start, in fact, because he doesn't thank the customer for the tip. That's not a huge deal, but it's not until later that there's even a hint of a reason to like him...I like how he encourages her to look up at the sights from the ferris wheel. That's cool. But it makes me wonder why he likes her so much. Is she just cute? Who needs to be told to look up from a ferris wheel? Maybe she's scared, but then it should be harder to get her on there.
3] There's no one to root for here. It's a little depressing, actually. I wouldn't want to spend any time with any of these people.
4] Rather than a short written for no dialogue it feels more like a short with the dialogue removed. I can't imagine the fight scene with no one saying a word. It doesn't feel natural.
Keep going! The setting is rich and you can make this work!

Warm hearted.

Writing could be clearer and slicker, but we get the message

Actually I quite like that  Aden wasn’t as cliched as it could be

Overall. Good hearted boy gets girl etc  the right man wins etc

I suppose the question is what else did it bring, you know, to stand out

Fair work, but needs an edge to shine

But for a week, fair work.

Found this a chore to be truthful (no offence to the author!)  By that i mean that the size of the font seemd bigger than normal and took me out of the read.

The weather has no impact here but the non dialogue wasn't a prob for me and I didn't even notice no one was talking lol.  The four main chars all seem like flogs to be honest and I didn't give a rats about them.

But some will see a cute little tale and perhaps the message that Rene alludes to

This one dragged for me. It's not helped by the fact that you knew where it was going from the beginning.  I think it would help by getting there quicker.

Also a few things that just seemed unrelated to the thread of the story. e.g,

Quoted Text The two of them run off. As they do, a FAMILY WITH KIDS walks up to the Freezee Cream store, it’s lights off and a CLOSED sign in the window. The kids begin to cry.

Could be deleted without really changing anything in the story. As a side note, kind of makes your protag look a bit prickish.

Anyway - this one met the parameters. Had issues with the pace.

Writer,

Hmm. Thomas is a real pussy -- watching Aiden steal his tip money all those times! Anyway, I enjoyed the writing here, and thought it was paced well. I've seen peeps commenting -- not just on this script -- but about spots where the characters would obviously have some dialogue. That is no different here, but I felt the story itself had this lighthearted way about it where it didn't seem to matter much to me. Anyway, there could have been a better story behind all of this writing, but wasn't. Still, I kinda liked this little tale. Good job.

Steve

Was kinda hoping that Thomas was going to stick it to Adrian and learns to not be a coward. Oh well, wasn't the kind of story you were going for I guess, but Thomas did seem kind of cowardly to me.

Writing was a bit wordy, but worked for me.

I imagine that Thomas wasn't working for that ice cream store for much longer.

You can probably make this a lot shorter than what it is with cutting a few things from it, but as is it's not a bad story.

This was a bit of a chore to get through in places but not because the writing was bad as it wasn't.

The stealing of the tips became repetitive, maybe deal with this quickly in a montage? I also didn't understand why he didn't do anything at all about the thefts.

True story -  I worked for the digital side of Auto Trader for 5 years!

Anyway, it was called Change so I thought the tip jar and this theft was going to be important in the story; it wasn't. I became a bit confused  as to who was who when both couples where in the same scenes. Even though there's no dialogue, you could do with making each character stand out more.

In the end nothing seems to have changed so it fell flat for me. But it seems to fit the parameters of the owc.

-Mark

Hey, writer

This is another case where I couldn't help but think of a silent movie with either Charlie Chaplin or Buster Keaton trying to win the girl from a big douche canoe.

The contest parameters are  barely met IMO except for the lack of dialogue.

I thought Thomas needed to be more likeable for this to work.  It doesn't matter how much of a creep Aiden is, you want Thomas to win Jill's heart because of his personality, not just because he's the only other guy in the story.  Being a dick to the customers doesn't help his case.  Something small -  like Jill sees Thomas giving a small child a free ice cream cone after his drops to the floor .   Thomas' kindness may spark something with Jill because Aiden in less than kind.

I think Thomas retreats at the pier more out of embarrasment than anything else. That's understandable.  

With a minor rewrite and a more likeable Thomas, this would make a very good short film.

Nice job.

Writerrrrrrrrrr,

Well that was cute, there's two scripts about fluffy cats here but that was cuter than the pair of the them combined. Actually, one of the cats explodes so that ain't cute at all! Anyway, your script.

I liked it! Slightly confused by some of the reviews but each to their own. The story is nice, and I actually liked the repetition at the start, but where it slightly falls down is the size of the overall work.

Dave mentioned pacing, and especially when writing a max 6 pager this is going to be key. You could have taken a good chunk out of this, resulting in a better final read, making the whole experience a much smoother one but retaining the story.

Tiny quibbles. Stick an END on it at the very bottom, and maybe some of the more technically minded could confirm this, but do you need a FADE UP after conducting your CUT TO BLACK's?

Anyway, overall I think this is good and it made me smile. I'd have actually classed it as a Romcom rather than drama, but I liked it.

Well done,

Cam

I'm def not a rules person but this is the fourth script I've read without a FADE IN... just looks better to have it IMO

This was a cute little script. It seems a slow read but if filmed would film faster I think.

I love the way you used the Black screen to separate each little scene.

Good job writer.

Okay story that fit the challenge at a push.

A bit repetitive in places. The three scenes on the bounce where Jill and Aiden enter the shop at the beginning could have been handled better. Maybe break them up with a brief scene to show how lonely Thomas is. Or develop his character a little in some other way. Because as it stands, he, along with the other three characters, aren't memorable in any way.

The logline states that Thomas is passive, and that couldn't be more true, but I don't think it works if he stays that way throughout the whole story. Have him react a little more on the pier. Even if he gets ten shades kicked out of him afterwards, just showing that he's got a bit of backbone towards the end would go a long way.  

Good job for a week but wasn't a stand out for me.

>> The taste is amazing.
Show us, don't tell us. How did she react to that amazing taste?

The bit with Thomas and Jill having fun stretched for too long. Good times in a story should be brief before they get interrupted by some sort of conflict. I'm also not satisfied with the fact that Thomas didn't have to do much to win her heart. He was just there for her when she needed someone. The climax of the girls fighting wasn't strong enough. I was hoping for something more dramatic.

Well done for participating. It was a good effort.

Upon skimming through the reviews, I will give this a one-page trial read. If I like it, I'll continue until the end or the point that I bail, whichever comes first.

Here we go.

As already stated by others, no FADE IN. Is this a new trend I'm not aware of, like those bold slugs that have been around a while?

The "RING A DING!" part (which should be hyphenated) doesn't bother me as much as it does Jeff, but remember that this isn't a Batman episode.

Quoted Text On the outside

All of this should go on a separate line, as it's a new idea (and thus, a new shot).

The second instance of "RING A DING!" I would replace with

Quoted Text The bell DINGS again.

Not only is this not Batman, but you should avoid redundancy. Also be careful about repeating things in a script. It can be effective if done well (suspense, horror), but it can backfire if you overdo it. In your case, you're pushing it.

Quoted Text ... (no space) and scrambles to attention. (line break) In front of the counter

Again, two different shots written into the same paragraph. I see it as a medium shot of Thomas followed by a medium close up of Jill and Aiden. (Of course, don't write blatant camera directions into a script. Write implied ones instead using the right words and formatting. Write it in such a way as to imply the shot without telling us it's a shot.)

"Cute as a button" should be hyphenated, as should most multi-word adjectives. Same goes for "cash-stuffed".

"CUT TO BLACK." Normally, the only transitions you would use are FADE IN and FADE OUT. In some special cases (used sparingly and wisely), you can get away with other transitions. Just remember, though, that every scene is implied to be "CUT TO:".

There's that "RING-A-DING!" At this point, I'd cease using the sound effect, or I'd use a variation. A simple "DING!" would be fine.

First page wasn't as bad as I thought. Let's move on to page 2.

Quoted Text with Thomas in between on his side

Huh? What do you mean?

Another CUT TO BLACK.

Okay, NOW the RING-A-DINGS are getting annoying. Again, I'd change it up.

Quoted Text In her prom dress[,] Jill

Quoted Text Aiden[,] in his tux[,]

Quoted Text Disgusted[,] he flicks

Quoted Text Jill turns away to eat her cone. (break) A large glass TIP JAR has replaced the tray. (break) Undaunted, Aiden dips his hand into the jar. His hand swishes the change at the bottom. (break) With all of it in his grasp he pulls his hand out to reveal Thomas’ long sad face behind the glass.

This one paragraph consists of four different shots. Break it up into four sections.

"Ring-A-Ding!" gets more and more annoying with each instance.

Quoted Text Another slow night [shift].

Finally, the heat element, besides the ice cream-related plot.

End of page 2. It could've been better, but it wasn't bad enough to make me bail.

Quoted Text As Jill’s hand reaches to pick it up[,] another hand

You need to work on your commas.

"Its" lights off or "It is" lights off?

Quoted Text Covered in bright lights against the mirrored waters of the ocean

This reads a bit prose-y and flowery.

Quoted Text the Ferris Wheel spins round and round.

You spin me right round, baby, right round
Like a record
Right round, baby, right round ;D

Quoted Text As the ferris wheel spins in the background, a convertible BMW with the top down pulls into an empty handicap space. (break) Dressed to impress, Aiden turns off the car. (break)[Aiden s]miles at EMILY (16), his pretty new girl, seated next to him.

"Ferris Wheel" or "ferris wheel"? Ferris is a proper name and capitalized. You need to be consistent.

It's "handicapped" parking, though "disabled" is preferred.

You've combined three shots into one paragraph. Again, break it up into three lines.

Fist bump and no ticket. Must be best bros.

Quoted Text Jill is impressed.

Speak for yourself, Jill.

Again, it's "Ferris" with a capital F.

The writing/formatting needs a lot of work, but I'm not quite at bail point yet.

Quoted Text JILL’S POV (break) Slowly peering over her feet to reveal [T]he blur of the pier’s bright lights below. (BACK TO SCENE)

Learn how to write a P.O.V.

Quoted Text Eyes wide and excited, Jill can’t believe the sights around her. (break) Thomas smiles and points out places of interest to her amusement. (break) The speed of he wheel blurs the scenery lights into something magical.

One paragraph, at least three shots. Rinse, repeat.

Quoted Text The towering Ferris Wheel spins. Below, Adien leads Emily by the hand through small corridors with the crowd.

This could be one, two, or even three shots.

Quoted Text Thomas and Jill wait[,] stuck near the end of a long line for the bumper cars that crash and bash behind them.

You need commas.

Quoted Text As BUMPER CAR PASSENGERS disembark[,] the BUMPER CAR OPERATOR catches Thomas in line out of the corner of his eye. He smiles and waves him up at him.

I get four shots out of this.


1. BUMPER CAR PASSENGERS disembark
2. BUMPER CAR OPERATOR catches
3. Thomas
4. BUMPER CAR OPERATOR smiles and waves at him

And what does "waves him up" mean?

Quoted Text Emily gives Aiden a severe stare of disappointment in front of the store’s CLOSED sign. Angry, Aiden checks his watch.

Luckily, this could be interpreted as one or two shots., preferably two shots so that we can see the CLOSED sign, Emily's disappointed face, and Aiden's angry face.

Quoted Text Bumper cars swirl around Thomas[,] who scans for a victim.

Quoted Text Thomas and Jill exit the ride and walk past Aiden and Emily at the back of the line unseen. Her arms crossed, Emily glares at Aiden[,] oblivious on his phone.

Luckily, this can all work as one shot. It reads a bit convoluted, and I would rewrite it, make it less wordy. Something like:

Quoted Text Thomas and Jill exit the ride, not noticing Aiden and Emily at the back of the line. Emily, arms crossed, glares at oblivious Aiden, his eyes glued to his phone.

Quoted Text EXT. FUN FAIR PIER - NIGHT The lights from the pier reflect

Redundant.

Quoted Text The lights from the pier reflect out onto the ocean water. The small silhouette of a fishing boat silently moves across the water. A large pair of fingers encroach as if they were to crush the boat.

This is a decent example of how to write a shot without calling it out. This is exactly what I stated above.

Wow. In all this, this is the first orphan I've seen.

Quoted Text Aiden spots Jill holding Thomas’ hand. His blood boils. Fists clench. Teeth grind. Chest puffs.

I was gonna say that 5 was the best written page so far, and then you threw this at me. You've jumped the shark. There's no going back. This is so over-the-top that it reeks of a pisser. This is about as bad as this little gem from Shortlisted...

Quoted Text He swings at him but Dominique dodges each of his punches like freaking Mohammed Ali [It's Muhammad Ali, but that's beside the point.], then he headbutts him.

Well, Fonzie, you've jumped the shark and we all know what that means. Time to bail. Up until this leaping over of Jaws, this script seemed a relative "masterpiece" (and I'm using that term ever so loosely) compared to some of the worst scripts I've attempted to read in this OWC.

Congrats on entering, though.