Y2K by David M Troop - Short, Thriller - A survivalist must take a new course of action when the world doesn't end. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi David,
I had some thoughts about your short...
First of all, nice sharp writing throughout.
Here are some small things I noted:
1] I think it should be "HOLIDAY MUSIC plays" not "holiday music PLAYS". You want to emphasize what we are hearing.
2] I like the visual about eating the eggs, but it feels like a lot of words and it doesn't tell us much about the character. Could you give the same idea in half the words?
3] When you say he "pushes the cart away" my mind first thought he stayed where he was and just shoved the cart.
4] I think your scene heading should announce that he's at his house when you go to the kitchen. Otherwise, we might assume he's at the restaurant kitchen.
5] It's "handiwork" not "handy work."
6] I think you mean "faint" not "feint."
7] I would just say "baseball cards CLICK against the spokes" instead of "make a CLICKING sound."
8] "Except for the smile" I liked.
9] Toward the end you have "moves" twice in consecutive sentences. Try a new verb.
And a bigger thing:
What was his plan for her? Could you hint at that in any way? And what were his emotions throughout? Is he scared? Excited? I can't tell. These things would make me connect more to the story.
I enjoyed this. Thanks.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on my short "Bibliophiles," which was just posted.
Cheers,
Mitchell

Dave,

There’s enough here to keep me invested but it all leads to rather a flat ending.  I liked the paperboy scene - a great way to show the normality of the situation.

That said, throughout this I couldn’t help but think Y2K is a bit dated a reference now to have much of an impact.  It’s the event that never was.  Feels almost more suited to comedy/satire than thriller.  Perhaps there’s a different angle to explore there?

I can’t say I was all that engaged with Bert’s concerns.  It’s all a little too casual, leaving little room to build conflict or urgency.  He simply bulk buys some tuna, boards up the windows and gets drunk.  These kinds of characters are a goldmine to explore; but I’m not quite sure what’s driving him.  Separatist?  White nationalist?  Fear of the Bilderbergers?  Would we get from what we’re shown that he’s a hard-core survivalist?    What does he anticipate that he would go so far as to kidnap a young mother?

Was he trying to somehow ‘save’ Mary from looming disaster?  An opportunistic rapist?  Or did he have designs on bringing her round to his way of thinking with the two of them somehow saving the human race?

For me Y2K doesn’t imply an apocalyptic event - more a short term administrative breakdown.  Not knowing how it plays into Bert’s underlying fears/intentions leaves a bit of a gap that overshadows the ending.

I didn’t dislike this.  The idea of a character facing up to a failed judgement day is well worth exploring.  For me, this just didn't quite land with as much impact as perhaps it could have.

Steve