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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Dramedy Scripts  /  Second Chance
Posted by: Don, September 22nd, 2018, 7:19pm
Second Chance by Christopher J Vecchio - Dramedy - Diane is almost 50 and looking for love along with searching for her birth parents. Will she have a second chance of happiness? 111 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: eldave1, September 24th, 2018, 6:09pm; Reply: 1
Christopher - gave the first few pages a look see.

There is odd spacing gaps in several places on the first few pages  I think in one instances up to five blank lines. Make it two at most and make it consistent.

There's a bit of over kill in the setting.  


Quoted Text
BLACK SCREEN WITH WHITE TEXT BEING TYPED - TYPING KEYBOARD
SOUNDS.

...It all started back in 1967 in a small town in Elmhurst
Illinois....

FADE IN:

EXT. HIGH AERIAL VIEW OF A SMALL TOWN IN 1967 - DAY

TITLE: ELMHURST,IL 1967

A high aerial view in black and white of a small town.
While zooming in, the views turns into color and zooming
closer behind a young teen boy. DANNY a 17 year old,
scrappy freckled face teen. He rides a bicycle for several
blocks delivering newspapers while a SONG from the era is
playing in the background.


You give us the setting three times in the space of a half page - the written words over black screen, the scene heading and the Title Card. I think this could be so much crisper. Either just do the opening as is and get rid of the title card and the year in the scene header or get rid of the opening and use a SUPER. E.G., Something like:

EXT. HIGH AERIAL VIEW OF A SMALL TOWN - DAY

A high aerial view in black and white of a small town.
While zooming in, the views turns into color and zooming
closer behind a young teen boy. DANNY a 17 year old,
scrappy freckled face teen.

He rides a bicycle for several blocks delivering newspapers while a SONG from the era is
playing in the background.

SUPER: ELMHURST,IL 1967

Or something akin to that - the point is that once is good enough.

Also - somewhere along the line you need a new header here. You're opening header is an aerial view of the town. Need to add something along the lines of

RESIDENTIAL STREET


Quoted Text
Young Danny stops his bike at one of the house's on his
paper route and notices a SOLD SIGN in the front yard and a
family moving in. He sees a beautiful red-headed teenage
girl helping with the move. This is DENISE, a cute young 16
year old fire-cracker/tomboy.


A bit inefficient. We already know he's on his paper route and the fire-cracker tomboy element of Denise' description is a bit unfilmable.

Maybe something like.

Danny brakes his bike, comes to a stop. The object of his focus, a FAMILY moving into a house.
In particular, DENISE (16), beautiful, but dressed in Tom-boy style clothes.  


Quoted Text
She sees Danny, smiles and waves at him with Danny waving
back. Danny keeps riding his bicycle, throwing papers on
the lawns before finishing his route.



The above is a bit clumsy. Are we really seeing him finishing his route??? I'm guessing not. Just -

Denise catches Danny's eye, smiles and waves.

Danny waves back, then pedals onward.


Quoted Text
EXT. ELMHURST HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

Outside shot of kids from 1967 walking the grounds of the
school and the camera follows behind Young Danny walking
inside the school to his locker. Above the row of lockers
is a big banner. WELCOME SENIORS.


Many issues - You don't need to say outside shot - the scene header lets us know that. You would do well to lose all the camera directions for that matter. You don't need 1967. You need to CAP kids.  Most importantly - you forget to establish and INT setting when we get to the lockers.

Something like:

EXT. ELMHURST HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

Danny and a horde of other KIDS make their way towards the school doors.

INT. ELMHURST SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY

Danny opening his locker. A banner hangs on the
wall above them: WELCOME SENIORS.


Quoted Text
INT. YOUNG DANNY'S SCHOOL LOCKER - LIGHT


NIGHT - and - school is ending at night????

Look to write active. e.g.,

Young Danny is putting his books away - better is Danny puts his books away.

Danny is riding - better as - Danny rides

I think your idea has promise - but there are a lot of basic problems out of the shoot - do some script format research - read a few scripts - you'll get there.

Posted by: ChrisV, September 26th, 2018, 11:53am; Reply: 2
Thank you :)
Posted by: eldave1, September 27th, 2018, 9:46am; Reply: 3
No problem
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