Ole Bess' Bait Shop by ? - Short, Horror, Light - Wanna catch something big? Choose the right bait. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Fun little tale with a clever and relevant turn around.

There are deeper, more layered stories in the competition but this works well for what it is.

HAHA! Good one. I like how you bring it home at the end. I think this would translate well into panel illustrations. Good work, writer.

Writer,

Fun and clever. Well written. I liked the concept. It fits well the parameters of the OWC and, like John said, it would translate well into comic format.

Good work!

Great writing on display, I couldn't fault it.

It's an enjoyable tale with a satisfying ending that I definitely didn't pick.

Well done.

First read and I liked this.
Good writing on hand with a nice little twist at the end without giving it away.


Congrats on entering

Good fish story aka monster/creature. The twist with Bess is cool. Just some clarity issues.

So, they're not going to need a bigger boat,  ;D  they're going to need a stronger rope.

It's good for what it is - a Jaws tale with humour. Creature-Feature? Hmm, yeah, just not what I imagine as one.

For some reason I liked this script as soon as I saw the title. OLE BESS’ BAIT SHOP – What a fantastic name!

And what a fantastic script. Loved it. This will work great as a comic.

As much as I love this, and although it ties into the name of the shop and the ending perfectly, I find the idea of a group of fisherman trying to catch one creature for years didn’t quite work as written. Surely after so many attempts they would be better prepared? They would know by now what type of rope to use, for example.

So I’d suggest making the encounter something that shows clearly they’ve been attempting this for a long time, or preferably, that they regularly hunt monsters in the water using humans for bait. Sometimes they catch something, sometimes they don’t. I actually think this would make a great anthology focused around the shop.

I actually like this one a lot. Probably one of the better entries in the OWC.
Kind of reminded me of something that could have been in a Tales From The Crypt---coffin humor. If Bait Shop winds up being a favorite, I wou;dn't be surprised.

Terrific job, writer.

I can't really add anything more constructive than has already been said. But I did really enjoy this.

I've read all of the OWC entries and my mind keeps bringing me back to this one.

Good job

Nice fun tale with an enjoyable ironic tone.

That said I was a bit confused why the old Lady could talk Howard so easily into taking a flare gun with him, when it was merely a lake on a sunny day.

The colors and images felt fresh, writing was all right.

Good stuff.

Hi, really enjoyed the read, it was well written which makes it easy to follow. From what I understand that bait shop is in the business of catching that creature, you think they would provide more than a flare gun for people fishing out there. I guess that what makes it creepy. A bit lacking in substance, but given the constraints it’s understandable. Would make a for a good comic strip, great job writer.  

LIttle jarring to go from Howard standing outside the bait shop to standing inside the bait shop.  Could use that first scene to establish the setting without Howard.

Stronger rope?  More as a nod to Jaws I guess, but I did wonder how many times they've tried this?  The set-up would suggest it’s not the first time.  In which case, do you need the talk between the Woman and the Man about the flare?  Wouldn’t they know the signal?  It’s minor, but it frees up a bit of space to use elsewhere.    

The ending felt a bit dry - somewhere between straight horror and blackly comic, but then as a comic strip, it could work just fine.  It’s well written with some visuals I could see working well on the page.  A simple idea, but a solid take on the challenge.

Opening Slug - shouldn't this be "OLE BESS' BAIT SHOP"?  As in the title?

Passage that follows is poorly written. Howard is an obvious male name, so saying he's "male" is a waste, and then you repeat your Slug as well, which is always a waste and mistake.

And the next passage shows us that the opening Slug is incorrect, as this is Ole Bess' Bait Shop.

And now Howard is inside the bait shop, which is an odd transition.

If the boat is Howard's, he would have a flare gun in there, I would assume, as well as whatever else one needs in a fishing boat.

Page 3 - Not giving any details of the boat the 2 guys are on is a mistake, as we can't picture this struggle, or the size of anything.

OK, so this isn't to be taken seriously, but it's not funny to me, not scary, not exciting.  Kind of blah, actually.  And that's too bad, as the idea is quite sound.

I guess it's a creature feature and I guess it would fit into the 3 page comic thing, but it's not for me, sadly.

Grade - ** 1/2

Great twist on the on the cliched fish story about the big one that got away. Howard should have turned tail and run when he was handed the flare gun, so the old Woman might give him a BS story about  a storm up north maybe causing some flooding down here. Also, the story revolved around the people, rather than the creature. The old woman and the two men are so cocksure they’ll get Bess in the end, maybe Bess should pay them a visit in the last scene.

I liked this one.  It's a quick and easy read.  Meets the creature feature part as well as the parameters.  My favourite so far out the of the few I've read.

All the best.

Well for me this doesn't work, sorry to say.

And I think it's because it started with Howard and totally changed the direction and became about the creature and the two men.
And I thought Howard just came to fish, not for the creature. Did he?
I wish it had more of a story. Howard has this aim to achieve...he comes for the creature or something, lies to someone or something... I mean more of central character/aim/getting to it combination.

Might be just me.

Well written but there isn't really a story here. Guy goes fishing, guy gets eaten by fish, the end. It's the sort of story that is easily forgotten. I could watch it again next year and not remember it.

First, thanks to everyone for the great notes.

Several people seemed to have missed the twist: he's the bait. I considered making it less subtle, but ultimately decided not to make that change.

I did take another pass at the script and made several of the changes mentioned by others: smoothed out the intro, eliminated the overlap of the opening slug/description, changed the ending dialogue to reflect that this is an on-going struggle. "We finally hooked her." Idea is that they've never gotten this close before, so they're happy with the progress made.

Also, I realized that the piece would be stronger as a whole if I had Howard and the Woman have a quick exchange about bait in the beginning. So, I added a very brief exchange: "Anything biting today?" "With the right bait, it is."

That was an obvious exchange that I should have included in the original. If only I had thought of it sooner.

Again, thanks to all!

Congrats on the writer's choice.

It was a fine script.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Congrats on the writer's choice. It was a fine script.

Thank you so much. I enjoyed your script as well!

Congrats, Paul.

You're a damn good writer. Hope it gets picked up by Hyper Epics.

Congrats Paul you had my pick in the top 2

Well done Paul, this was in my top 2 as well and it sounds like you've nailed it with the re-write.

Quoted from PKCardinal Several people seemed to have missed the twist: he's the bait. I considered making it less subtle, but ultimately decided not to make that change.

I'm glad you didn't make that change. Any less subtle and it would have started to be insulting to the reader.

Well done, I really enjoyed this story