Kamil:
Delete this:
Quoted Text BLACK SCREEN
TITLE SEQUENCE: “SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY”
|
It's already on your title page. Start the first page of your script with FADE IN.
Quoted Text MIKE (5 years old) stands still, head down and looks at
the ground. Couple of kids play joyfully next to him.
Families at barbeque party. SUSAN (Mike’s mom,32)and JOE
(Mike’s dad,33) sit at garden table with two other
couples. Susan looks at Mike almost crying and turns her
head to look at Joe sadly |
Several problems with the above opening. No need to say years old - it's a waste of words. Just MIKE (5) will do.
KIDS should be capped.
"Families at barbeque party." - this isn't a complete sentence.
Just SUSAN (32), JOE (33).
"Susan looks at Mike almost crying and turns her
head to look at Joe sadly" - kind of clumsy. Can't tell if Susan is crying or Mike is.
The spacing on all of your dialogue is off (seems like it's center justified as opposed to just center. Script software is your friend. What you have is the wrong format.
Quoted Text MIKE (V.O.)(INNER VOICE) |
Wrong format.
Going on their are format errors and typos throughout - you need to take another run at this one. A mistake you keep making is here:
Quoted Text You can’t imagine how
cruel is that Nelly. |
Always a comma before Nelly. i.e., cruel that is, Nelly.
Another example:
Quoted Text SUSAN (to speaker)
Come on Nelly I
offered a variety of
opportunities for
him socializing but
didn’t work. |
Several mistakes. Should be:
SUSAN
(into phone)Come on Nelly
, I
offered a variety of
opportunities for
him socializing but
theydidn’t work.
Think you may have a sense of story telling. If you want to do it ala script writing, you need to spend some focus on that craft along with some basic grammar knowledge. I use "grammerly" - a free software tool in that regard. CHeck it out. Might help you.
Best of luck