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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Drama Scripts  /  The Three Texans
Posted by: Don, January 7th, 2019, 11:46am
The Three Texans by Randy Gore - Short, Western, Crime - The story of three Texans travelling across the Lone Star State to rob a bank. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: eldave1, January 8th, 2019, 8:17pm; Reply: 1
Randy:

I like your writing style - it pops.

One nitty issue:


Quoted Text
The three Texans, BOBBY, JOE, AND DEAN are inside. Bobby is
behind the wheel, Joe is riding shotgun, and Dean is in the
backseat smoking a joint. All three are mid-20s rednecks.



The Bobby is, Dean is
approach is a little inefficient. Lose the "is". Something like:

BOBBY at the wheel. JOE rides shotgun. Dean in the
backseat smoking a joint. Three Texan rednecks (mid-20s).

An a story suggestion. I think the ending would have more pop if the kids from the restaurant walk by the police cruiser as our villains are being cuffed  - flash then some of them own money.

Nice work.
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