Love, Aunt Jenny by Louise Deschamps - Short, Drama - When a selfish, disloyal man receives a Christmas care package from his Aunt Jenny, he gets an unexpected taste of karma. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Good Morning Louise

I love the idea for this.

I get a good feel for Al's character even though he never speaks. And I surprisingly really like Ron's character, even though we never see him.

I feel there is an overwriting problem here, at times the read is laboured and irrelevant stuff/action is over described. This can be cut and streamlined more.

Now, I have 2 major issues with the story, just my opinion of course, others may disagree.

1 - Ron's reaction from seeing a card from Ron. He leaves it, goes off, does other things. Now, from reading the rest of the story, we discover that Ron is someone from Al's past who is going to be a bit pissed off, he is also someone who, as far as Al is concerned, does not know his aunt Jenny - So to see a letter from him, in Aunt Jenny's package, If I was him I would be reading that thing straight away!

2 - Ron's reaction to the teeth - After being sent human teeth, he goes and has dinner, then goes to bed. He leaves the rest of the letter and an unopened parcel. This to me says he is not scared, and if he believes he is not in any mortal danger, then as a reader/viewer I have no sense of danger.

That's my 2p worth

Best of luck with it

Matt