Embedded by Dashiell Finley - Horror - "Insidious" meets "The Departed". When a paranoid young police officer goes undercover to bring down an infamous mob boss, both men find themselves marked by a powerful demonic entity with roots in their shared past. 109 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Dashiell,

I was hooked by the concept so I decided to give it a read. I like to give my feedback as if I was giving actual coverage of a script, so this is why it's presented in that format:

Embedded has a vibrant writing style that lets the reader clearly see the scenes as they happen and carry the reader quickly from scene to scene. Unfortunately, it’s all in the service of a script that still needs major work in order to find the best version of itself. The concept at the heart of the story is a compelling one, but this draft doesn’t do it justice.

For starters, the character work feels too thin to really get us invested in the characters. We don’t a clear sense of what their personal stakes are in the story and how this adventure is changing them. There’s barely a clear, three-dimensional personality to them either.

The scene work isn’t at the level it needs to be in; often, there are massive tone and mood changes in various scenes. On example is the first scene introducing Dylan. At first, he’s waking up from a nightmare disturbing enough to have him thrashing that they call the police on him. Walsh calls him out and the scene becomes comedic and we’re on to the next scene. This happens a lot throughout the script and in turn, the audience isn’t allowed to become fully invested in the characters or plot because too many scenes feel so rushed.

Still, there are a couple of cool moments and images; the climactic showdown is entertaining and feel as if the script is paying off in its character development. As such, the ending becomes the most enjoyable part of the script. But even this is blindsided by the sudden cliffhanger that comes in at the very end, that doesn’t seem to follow the logic established by the characters or the script. It seems to be there for shock value over anything else.

There’s a great premise to Embedded and the writer shows promising style, but the script needs major character, scene and structural work in order to service that concept and make a compelling screenplay out of it. This has potential to service both the police aspect as a mystery and scare-factor as a horror. Right now, it’s not working either way.