Hello to you
I'm not sure what is happening in this story, it may have gone over my head.
Anyway, I think I can help a bit with the writing. I'll take your opening and work from that
Quoted Text INT.INTEROGATION ROOM.POLICE DEPARTMENT- EVENING
EDITH KEEN, a 25 year old woman with a domineering,
manipulative and loyalist personality walks into a police
department and talks about a murder that nobody's aware of.
She sits behind the desk, alone, staring into the glass in
front of her, aware she's being watched. |
Scene headers are important - when you change location, you need a new one.
Take yours for example - You put us in an interrogation room, then in the opening action block the protag walks into a police station - It's not the same location.
Also, I beleive that primary location comes first, then secondary - so it would be
INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
Character description - you tell us about her personality, but all we have seen from her is her walk - how does a domineering manipulative loyalist walk? I dunno, you need to show us personality traits - With character descriptions stick to things we can visualize and give us the essence of the character.
The following line is odd "talks about a murder that nobody's aware of" - who is she talking to? what is she saying? why isn't this in dialogue?
You haven't told us anything about this room either - interrogation rooms can differ greatly, set the scene with your location.
Hope something helps.
Good luck with your writing
Matt