Hey All,

Yup, another Christmas script from me. It's another geared for Hallmark, but this one is much more in the spirit of what Hallmark looks for -- romance, light comedy kinda thing. They've given me the most responses to my queries so I figured this is an avenue worth exploring.

Anyway, if you don't like that sort of thing no need to read. But I would like a few thoughts on how to liven up the first act a little.

Thanks again! And as always, willing to exchange reads.

Steve

https://www.dropbox.com/s/a2179h1iia4ta8u/Starry%2C%20Starry%20Christmas%20WIP.pdf?dl=0

Gave it a quick run through, Steve. First impressions.

I do think it is something that hits the Halllmark sweet spot. At the same time, it's a bit vanilla - not a lot of tension or conflict going on in the first 30 pages - I think you have to find a way to ramp that up a bit.

I think the characters voices(dialogue) tend to blend a little bit - they all sound a bit alike. I'd look for opportunities to give them more distinct voices - personalities. As an example,  Amanda's boss - make him a very gruff (Lou Grant type) or very timid (Woody Allen) type - but make him distinctive. Same with other characters - just too close together in style - make someone a smart ass, someone a quiet reserved type, some one a partier. etc.

I'd lose Carl - his existence makes Amanda seem dumber than she is - like her happiness/fulfillment relies on this dweeb coming around.

Suggestion - have the boss assign Amanda the Christmas work on the Tepper account not under the false promise of partnership - but instead because she's the only employee without a spouse, children or plans for XMAS.

Anyway - like I said - just quick observations - it's a good start - but I just didn't find any uniqueness in the characters. Make them pop,

Hope this helps.

Dave,

Thanks for reading. Excellent advice, man. I knew something felt off but I just couldn't place it. This is a first draft. after all.

Love the advice on the characters popping. I read somewhere that each character needs to think that this is their movie, so there you go. And yes, I'm certainly old enough to know who Lou Grant is and I like that.

But on losing Carl. Damn, Dave, every Hallmark script has the lead with the wrong guy, then falls for the right guy. I cannot lose Carl. In most films I've seen, the "Carl" character is small, usually an afterthought because he's gonna be long gone in the end anyway. But he's always there.

Anyway, I'm still kind of telling myself the story. Thanks for the help, Dave!

Steve

Quoted from SAC Dave, Thanks for reading. Excellent advice, man. I knew something felt off but I just couldn't place it. This is a first draft. after all. Love the advice on the characters popping. I read somewhere that each character needs to think that this is their movie, so there you go. And yes, I'm certainly old enough to know who Lou Grant is and I like that. But on losing Carl. Damn, Dave, every Hallmark script has the lead with the wrong guy, then falls for the right guy. I cannot lose Carl. In most films I've seen, the "Carl" character is small, usually an afterthought because he's gonna be long gone in the end anyway. But he's always there. Anyway, I'm still kind of telling myself the story. Thanks for the help, Dave! Steve

You're welcome, mate.

Do you have an outline for this?

No outline. But I've got the key plot points laid out - beginning, middle, end. The man who wants to buy the land is a hypochondriac who thinks he's been abducted by aliens, so he's kind of colorful. And Jake does have experience making films, so the plan to keep him from buying the land you can kind of figure from there.

I outline scenes in a notebook just before I write them, then I write. Outlines confuse me. And it feels more organic that way.

Hey Steve there’s a working Hallmark writer in the screenwriting Facebook group. If you’re on FB I can point him out. Maybe see if you can get a read, or at least some advice? He seems pretty approachable.


There is apparently a very tight structure to Hallmark scripts.

Quoted from SAC No outline. But I've got the key plot points laid out - beginning, middle, end. The man who wants to buy the land is a hypochondriac who thinks he's been abducted by aliens, so he's kind of colorful. And Jake does have experience making films, so the plan to keep him from buying the land you can kind of figure from there. I outline scenes in a notebook just before I write them, then I write. Outlines confuse me. And it feels more organic that way.

I like that. Was just asking about the outline if you had one so I could take a look at the major plot points. As a note I often write without them myself

Quoted from Warren Hey Steve there’s a working Hallmark writer in the screenwriting Facebook group. If you’re on FB I can point him out. Maybe see if you can get a read, or at least some advice? He seems pretty approachable. There is apparently a very tight structure to Hallmark scripts.

Yep, there is. And lots of interviews from writers to be found:


https://www.scriptmag.com/features/columns/short-circuit-by-dan-goforth/make-your-hallmark-bob-saenz
https://chasingmacguffins.com/2018/08/17/writing-hallmark-channel-movies/
https://www.premiumbeat.com/blog/interview-tracy-andreen-hallmark-channel/

I'm pretty sure Steve's done his research already but I thought I'd post few links anyway.
Interesting that male writers are doing well with this genre.

These movies have huge fan bases and run in an endless loop (the Countdown to Christmas) around holiday periods.

My review here of Steve's Christmasville. Shameless plug for you, mate. :)

https://www.simplyscripts.com/2018/03/14/christmasville/

I don't like this sort of stuff but it sounds like you might hit with one of these scripts soon, so I just want to wish you luck. Good luck.

Quoted from Warren Hey Steve there�s a working Hallmark writer in the screenwriting Facebook group. If you�re on FB I can point him out. Maybe see if you can get a read, or at least some advice? He seems pretty approachable. There is apparently a very tight structure to Hallmark scripts.

What group would that be? I’m a member of several FB groups. I know who Bob Saenz is — is this someone different?

And yes, Hallmark script feature a very strict story/character criteria, otherwise very formulaic.

Quoted from LC Yep, there is. And lots of interviews from writers to be found: https://www.scriptmag.com/features/columns/short-circuit-by-dan-goforth/make-your-hallmark-bob-saenz https://chasingmacguffins.com/2018/08/17/writing-hallmark-channel-movies/ https://www.premiumbeat.com/blog/interview-tracy-andreen-hallmark-channel/ I'm pretty sure Steve's done his research already but I thought I'd post few links anyway. Interesting that male writers are doing well with this genre. These movies have huge fan bases and run in an endless loop (the Countdown to Christmas) around holiday periods. My review here of Steve's Christmasville. Shameless plug for you, mate. :) https://www.simplyscripts.com/2018/03/14/christmasville/

Hey, Libby. Thanks for taking the time to post those links. Good stuff.

I guess one of the reasons I’m attracted to this genre is because, like you and the interviews noted, there is a very big audience for these type of scripts and they (Hallmark, Lifetime, Freeform, Hell, even Netflix) produce a ton of them. When querying producers for Christmasville I did exactly like Bob Saenz mentioned — got IMDbPro and queried the producers directly and was quite shocked that I got several responses and a few reads. That said, Christmasville just didn’t fit their criteria, which is very specific. But if you know it you know it. You just have to watch the movies really.

Anyway, thanks for the help and thanks for the plug if Christmasville!!

Quoted from DustinBowcot I don't like this sort of stuff but it sounds like you might hit with one of these scripts soon, so I just want to wish you luck. Good luck.

Thanks, Dustin! Fingers crossed.

Yep, this is definitely a case of supply and demand. And there's a big demand. Which is why you likely got responses when it's usually: don't call us, we'll call you. That must have been amazing hearing back.

I think I'm going to give one a go myself, when I can find the time.
Not entirely convinced I can do it though.
I tried writing a Mills & Boon book years ago and didn't get very far cause their particular formula was making me a little queasy.  ;D

I think there's a bit more scope for Hallmark type screenplays.

Quoted from SAC What group would that be? I’m a member of several FB groups. I know who Bob Saenz is — is this someone different? And yes, Hallmark script feature a very strict story/character criteria, otherwise very formulaic.

Yes it was Bob I was talking about :)

Steve, gave this a quick squiz.

I really think you're on a winner here if you keep going the way you are.

Widower, (photographer) with kid, meets smart beautiful city lawyer (that's the only line that rubbed me the wrong way,) actually -  I'd delete the I'm a lawyer line and stick with: 'I'm pretty good at reading people' on is own. The 'meatloaf' book? Hmm, not sure about that one. Could be taking cute to another saccharin level. He doesn't use the Internet?

Few typos, ( yes, I know it's only the beginning draft), doesn't even have your name on it yet - area rubs,and pouring (should be rugs, & poring over) caught my eye, an it's in there too from memory that should be 'its' or maybe vice versa - yep, the Inn description. Top of p.9 Oyu typo.  Curious shops? Do you mean, Curios?

I think I can forecast where these two will have their falling out but that's the formula for you so nothing wrong with that.

Bill's line: ' endearing yourself ...? is a bit dodgy.

I agree that Carl stays as-is, but think about a character who is a bit stroppy - perhaps, Bill? They're all so darned nice. Or is that going to come from the Tepper property deal she's working on, rubbing people the wrong way, relative of Jake etc.

Anyway, you have a knack with this.  :D