Mia and the Hitman by Karl Kross - Thriller - A ruthless hitman feels a connection to a little girl he is supposed to kill, but caring for her will carry consequences.  96 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Karl,

Your formatting and structure are spot on. You've clearly been writing a while and have skill and technique. It reads well. Dialogue is pretty good. I've got no qualms about any of that. There's definite talent going on, here.

But there's a certain...smugness...you've got going on with your writing. These little moments that say to me, "Look how too cool for school I am" that take me out of the story every time I catch one.

Quoted Text A GOLDFISH flapping in the hot sand. Mindfuck.

Quoted Text Lock up your daughters. Skinhead, knuckle tats, rock n roll badass... Inhales a lungful of freedom. Tastes good.

Quoted Text Joey immediately goes for the door - nice try dickhead.

Quoted Text --But Driver FIRES-- --DIT! Sorry ladies.

Quoted Text Hitman stabs his shovel on top of another grave - hardest part of the job.

Maybe it's just me and my own personal taste, but I'm not digging it. It's like you're injecting your own cool commentary into the scenes. Again, could just be my problem. You've got the chops and the skill, so who knows?

Hi Curtis ( or James )
Thanks for taking the time to read it and post some notes.  I welcome all notes, good and bad.  

We all read so many boring scripts that my mandate to myself was to simply 'not write boring'.  I tired to write in a way that was entertaining.  

However, maybe it didn't work.  I obviously didn't mean to come off sounding 'smug' or condescending in any way, so if thats how it reads then perhaps I have over done it.  I will think about this and I appreciate your time and comments.
Best
Karl

Hello, I enjoyed reading your script. The writing style worked because it gave the script some character, some ATTITUDE. The first pages grab the reader's attention like a splash of cold water to the face or a grip on the collar. "Hey, pay attention to THIS! It's gonna be wild!" As a screenwriter, one does not have final control on what the finished project may feel like/look like, but has to do their best to give it a personality. You certainly did that. I could tell this was going to be fast-paced. There were perhaps a few times this device didn't work so well or seemed overdone, but when it it, as it did most of the time, it connected.

At first I had a problem with the sudden character shift of the hitman when he first encounters Mia. I felt it was a drastic change in appearance that he becomes a big softy to her, but I like that he did. Then reading to the end it makes sense. This was well-done and wraps up the story nicely. Brought it full circle.

Hi Arundel
Really appreciate your notes.  It's really a tough one for me to know if I have over done the 'extras' or not.  Ultimatley I'm glad you enjoyed the script and really do appreciate your time and thoughts.  I do understand Curtis too and I think my biggest takeaway from the comments you guys have left is that I just need to be really careful in future that - if I chose this style again - I spend some extra time making sure I don't over-do it.  
I'm really glad you liked it, I have read scripts in a similair style but I am perhaps less skilled than those other writers and therefore maybe some of the narrative could be deemed excessive where as other parts might be spot on.  In my quest to try and write in an entertaining and 'non boring way' I am just going to take greater care to try and be even smarter and more discreet with my narrative.  Thanks again everyone and thanks Arundel for your time writing the comments.
Best
Karl

Hi Karl,

Glad to see you turned up! Better still, you didn't take offense to my feedback. As I said, it might have just been my personal taste. I knew what you were going for and I definitely think it's important to have a unique voice. You've got style and talent, and now I can see that you welcome to notes and feedback. That's fantastic.

Stick with it. I think we can expect great things from you.

Hi Curtis
Thanks for your message.

I definitly don't take offense.  A script is a public thing meant to be read by people so I think a writer needs to be prepared to take on all comments, both good and bad.  I don't assume to know 'everything' anyway so I love hearing people's comments.  This is how we make our scripts better.  As the wirter, I can decide what to do after people have made comments but I would never take offense.  I really like what you said and I will carry it to me with my next script.  Thanks again for your thoughts and hopefully my next script will be even better!
K

Had a chance to breeze through the first 20.

Shouldn't''t have liked it based on my preconceptions of what works and does't work script-wise.

BUT --

Fucking loved it.

You made it entertaining to read - special - different.

Not sure if the style would fit all stories - but it fits this one like a glove.

On Dave's comment I gave this a look. You are definitely a skilled writer, and if nothing else you have written an engaging script. It's a real page turner.

The style is quite unique and really works well with the story.

There are a few things that I would ordinarily comment on (mainly personal preference type things), but it's just such a pleasure to read, that the comments seem irrelevant.

eldave, I can't thank you enough for reading it.  After the first line of your note I thought I was about to get a rough review, but then I read the rest.  Thanks very much.  At the end of the day I'm just glad you liked it and found it a decent read.  many thanks for taking the time to comment.  Best . Karl

Warren, thanks for your comments.  I don't in any way think the script is perfect, Im sure some people could rip it to shreads.  Im open to all notes and comments, good and bad so if you really want to share something please do, even if you think it is small.  All notes are helpful wether good or bad because it gives me something to try and improve on, I will never take anything personally.   I want to thank you for taking the time to read and post about it anyway, many thanks
Karl

Quoted from GlynnTurner eldave, I can't thank you enough for reading it.  After the first line of your note I thought I was about to get a rough review, but then I read the rest.  Thanks very much.  At the end of the day I'm just glad you liked it and found it a decent read.  many thanks for taking the time to comment.  Best . Karl

My pleasure