Inamorata by Steven Wood - Short, Thriller - After meeting a beautiful woman at a night club, Jacob finds himself at her apartment and at her mercy. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

EDIT: Working on a rewrite now. Will have an updated draft submitted today.

Warning to those who read this - there is a fairly graphic female-on-male rape scene.

Quoted from Steven Warning to those who read this - there is a fairly graphic female-on-male rape scene.

Well, you've got my attention. ;D

I'll check this out when I get off work.

Quoted from Zack Well, you've got my attention. ;D I'll check this out when I get off work.

Appreciate it. There's some women around here so I wanted to at least mention that. It isn't SUPER graphic, but negates the argument of "men cannot be raped."

First, I've got some technical and spelling/grammar nitpicks. Feel free to ditch 'em or keep 'em. I do not plan to point every single one that I noticed (just the first few of each) but please do assume that I mean each of them to signify universal correction, as there is more than a single instance of each throughout.

While there is nothing terrible about the prose, I got the sense that some of the writing on display here is not quite where it should be. For instance:

*Jacob pushes through the mass of people. Eyes not straying.

Fragments are A-OK in screenplays as far as I'm concerned; in fact, it is my preference, though I know not everyone feels that way. But I only like the use of fragments if they flow naturally and incrementally add to the prose. In this case, the fragment only serves to ungrammatically break up a sentence (that would have otherwise been fine as is) rather than add dimension to it. You could instead use any one of these:

Jacob pushes through the mass of people, eyes not straying.
Eyes fixed on Evelyn, Jacob pushes through the mass of people.
Jacob zeroes in on her, pushing through the mass of people.
Or something like that.

*What the heck are "berets"? Either Evelyn is wearing two hats, it was a typo, or this is some sort of millennial fad that I have no clue about. lol.

*In his ear-/Back to his ear-
^You are using dead-end hyphens here, not dashes as appropriate. Granted, I normally settle for two hyphens in a row, since most screenwriting software tries to emulate typing and doesn't do dashes by default.

*Typos!
Lets go should be Let's go, as lets is a completely different word.
Taxi's is a possessive. You mean Taxis for plural.
Breath is what gets bad when you have onions. Breathe is to inhale/exhale.

There are numerous examples of stuff like this throughout. At first I thought it'd be nothing showstopping or game-breaking, but what began as minor annoyances (of which I myself am definitely guilty of at times) soon enough became more and more common. Now, personally, I think the amount of typos in such a short script DEFINITELY merits a pretty massive rewrite. If we're writing 8 pages, they should be 99.99% clean-and-lean. This one isn't quite there in that respect. It really does make for a rather troublesome read, which is the last thing that a short needs.

On the positive side, I could picture most of what you wrote with no issues besides the aforementioned grammar- and spelling-related distractions. I've read many grammatically-perfect scripts that could not do that. So, in that sense at least, the writing is good.

Now, as for the story (WARNING! SPOILERS):

At first I thought it would be a classic femme-fatale/succubus-like cautionary tale. I'm happy that it's a bit more than that. I did not expect either of them to be messed up enough to accept each other, if you know what I mean, but that was a good point to me.

Pacing-wise, it feels as though this could potentially benefit from either being shorter or longer. As it is, the climax feels slightly rushed when you take in the story as a whole; there's a scuffle, he teaches her a brief lesson, and they kiss. The end. There doesn't seem to be anything off with the page count itself, but maybe more in how the dialogue is dispersed throughout in that it starts off sparse, but then ends on a fairly talkative note for the short's length.

That's about all I've got. Take what's helpful and ditch what isn't.  ;D

Quoted from ReaperCreeper First, I've got some technical and spelling/grammar nitpicks. Feel free to ditch 'em or keep 'em. I do not plan to point every single one that I noticed (just the first few of each) but please do assume that I mean each of them to signify universal correction, as there is more than a single instance of each throughout. While there is nothing terrible about the prose, I got the sense that some of the writing on display here is not quite where it should be. For instance: *Jacob pushes through the mass of people. Eyes not straying. Fragments are A-OK in screenplays as far as I'm concerned; in fact, it is my preference, though I know not everyone feels that way. But I only like the use of fragments if they flow naturally and incrementally add to the prose. In this case, the fragment only serves to ungrammatically break up a sentence (that would have otherwise been fine as is) rather than add dimension to it. You could instead use any one of these: Jacob pushes through the mass of people, eyes not straying. Eyes fixed on Evelyn, Jacob pushes through the mass of people. Jacob zeroes in on her, pushing through the mass of people. Or something like that. *What the heck are "berets"? Either Evelyn is wearing two hats, it was a typo, or this is some sort of millennial fad that I have no clue about. lol. *In his ear-/Back to his ear- ^You are using dead-end hyphens here, not dashes as appropriate. Granted, I normally settle for two hyphens in a row, since most screenwriting software tries to emulate typing and doesn't do dashes by default. *Typos! Lets go should be Let's go, as lets is a completely different word. Taxi's is a possessive. You mean Taxis for plural. Breath is what gets bad when you have onions. Breathe is to inhale/exhale. There are numerous examples of stuff like this throughout. At first I thought it'd be nothing showstopping or game-breaking, but what began as minor annoyances (of which I myself am definitely guilty of at times) soon enough became more and more common. Now, personally, I think the amount of typos in such a short script DEFINITELY merits a pretty massive rewrite. If we're writing 8 pages, they should be 99.99% clean-and-lean. This one isn't quite there in that respect. It really does make for a rather troublesome read, which is the last thing that a short needs. On the positive side, I could picture most of what you wrote with no issues besides the aforementioned grammar- and spelling-related distractions. I've read many grammatically-perfect scripts that could not do that. So, in that sense at least, the writing is good. Now, as for the story (WARNING! SPOILERS): At first I thought it would be a classic femme-fatale/succubus-like cautionary tale. I'm happy that it's a bit more than that. I did not expect either of them to be messed up enough to accept each other, if you know what I mean, but that was a good point to me. Pacing-wise, it feels as though this could potentially benefit from either being shorter or longer. As it is, the climax feels slightly rushed when you take in the story as a whole; there's a scuffle, he teaches her a brief lesson, and they kiss. The end. There doesn't seem to be anything off with the page count itself, but maybe more in how the dialogue is dispersed throughout in that it starts off sparse, but then ends on a fairly talkative note for the short's length. That's about all I've got. Take what's helpful and ditch what isn't.  ;D

Thanks for checking this out! I have no defense against your critique, and thanks for pointing stuff out. I just kinda moved through it, not worrying about the proper dashes or anything.

As for the fragmented action lines, that was just a choice. Typically I write a little more flowery but I wanted to try something different. See if I could get the point across with less words. Why use more word when less word do trick?

Also was meant to be barrettes. My bad for being an idiot there.

Lastly, regarding the story, I have plans for these two behind this short. I wrote this with a larger piece in mind. Basically my take on a Natural Born Killers story, but with more of a dark romantic vibe going on instead of just straight savagery.

I will go back through this as I think what's written is good. As you said, only real issue are the typos and fragments. Where those typos live and the action lines themselves are not problematic.

So thanks for digging it.

That actually sounds like a killer concept, no pun intended. Best of luck with it!

Quoted from ReaperCreeper That actually sounds like a killer concept, no pun intended. Best of luck with it!

Thanks.

Read through this at work. Pretty interesting, though I'm not sure I like the ending very much.

The writing is pretty tight for the most part. Made for a quick and easy read. I agree with Julio that some of the action lines can be broken up with coma's instead of periods. Might make the script even tighter.

There was one aside that threw me off a bit... At the bottom of page 5--

"He resigns to his fate-"

Not really sure what I'm supposed to be seeing. Might just be me though. :P

Story-wise, I was digging this up until the very end. While I was surprised by the end, I wasn't very satisfied. Just don't buy that he'd get with her after all that has happened.

The "rape" scene wasn't very graphic IMO, so I wouldn't worry about offending anyone.

If I were you, I'd add more to this. Let us get to know Jacob a little more so that we can care for him. Have Evelyn toy with him a bit more, maybe a little bit of physical torture? ;D

Not bad at all, though. I'd be interested in reading a rewrite.

Quoted from Zack Read through this at work. Pretty interesting, though I'm not sure I like the ending very much. The writing is pretty tight for the most part. Made for a quick and easy read. I agree with Julio that some of the action lines can be broken up with coma's instead of periods. Might make the script even tighter. There was one aside that threw me off a bit... At the bottom of page 5-- "He resigns to his fate-" Not really sure what I'm supposed to be seeing. Might just be me though. :P Story-wise, I was digging this up until the very end. While I was surprised by the end, I wasn't very satisfied. Just don't buy that he'd get with her after all that has happened. The "rape" scene wasn't very graphic IMO, so I wouldn't worry about offending anyone. If I were you, I'd add more to this. Let us get to know Jacob a little more so that we can care for him. Have Evelyn toy with him a bit more, maybe a little bit of physical torture? ;D Not bad at all, though. I'd be interested in reading a rewrite.

Thanks!

I think I'm going to abandon the little sentences and continue with my flowery bullshit that I typically do. As long as I can get a certain action or vibe across, that's fine.

Also sometimes my stuff reads like prose rather than "instructions." Those little things are simply for whoever is reading, just to give them a bit more depth as to what's going on. The particular line you're talking about wasn't meant to be something captured on film. Some people like this some don't.

The rape scene was waaaay more graphic in a previous draft, and Jacob was unconscious the whole time. There was also some torture aspects but I'm not a fan of that too much. If there's a reason then ok fine.

The ending didn't seem rushed to me since I've been thinking of this story for a while. But I see the complaint. As for believability, I'd give away the surprise if I hunted at Jacob being similar to Evelyn. My previous draft has a series of short flashbacks showing Jacob in action once the reveal happens, but that's it. Also remember, Jacob says that he tells people what they want to hear. Since he didn't take the pill she put in his mouth, he just went along with the ride to see what was going to happen. I could get this point to come across more clearly.

He's just as crazy as she is, but maybe more so. I don't know actually.

Updated draft...thanks to those who provided feedback.