Hey All,

A couple of you read the teaser for this, now here's the first 30 or so pages and I'd really love to get your take on it so far. Link is below...

Logline: An aging journalist gets involved in a May/December relationship with a woman whose farm stand might hold the key to the Fountain of Youth.

Always willing to exchange reads! Pm me...

Steve

https://www.dropbox.com/s/mphlv8b81m7yd03/The%20Surge_Teaser.pdf?dl=0

I'll try and get some notes to you tomorrow, Steven.

Thank you, Sean!

Generally well written, IMO.

A couple of nits:

Quoted Text TITLE: SHENANDOAH HOTEL - 1982

A couple of places you use TITLE. Think it should be SUPER.

Quoted Text Larry stands at the pump and hands over a ten dollar bill to a MAN in greasy overalls.

10? That's about 3 gallons present day - make it at least 20.

General Thoughts:

The opening scene is killer - really hooked me in. Perfectly done.

But the story loses steam. We're on page 30 and I'm left wondering what is the connection to the Senator - was that the Pulitzer prize story???

Sometimes the dialogue is real solid - especially for Larry, but other times it sounds dated - like in the Wedding boutique scene. i.e., it sounded a scene from the 1950s rather than present day.
I have this problem being an old fok myself - got to remember that the daughter is a milineal - she sounds like a baby boomer - hope that makes sense.

Don't need this:

Quoted Text LARRY Who the hell is calling this early?

George's dialogue was just a bit over the top for me - in your face - Just struck me that Larry would have decked him - I would throttle it back a bit - make his dickishness a little more nuanced so that we can still believe the daughter would be attracted to him. As it is - can't see why anyone would spend two minutes with him.

Think you could delete this:

DOUG
Oh, Larry.

LARRY
What?

And not lose anything.

This:

Quoted Text LARRY Because your mother was my missing piece. I was this up and coming, hot shot writer. Had several offers to work for prestigious news outlets. Nobody could touch me. (MORE) 27. But then I met your mother and all that changed. In a good way, I mean. I was so taken with her. We were... (Larry smiles, stops) But she grounded me. She was the negative to my positive. Then you were born and... everything stopped

Was way too on the nose for me - they know each other and it seems like it is there solely for the purpose of exposition. I'd think it would  worked better if George was asking Amy about why here parents got divorced and she relayed the info to him.

So - it's well written - but on page 30, I am starting to lose interest. Part of that may be the way you set expectations - i.e., you got the killer scene with the Senator and then we are on to tomatoes and family marriage issues - could be if you started with the tomatoes I wouldn't be waiting for the Senator to come back.

Hope these help - best of luck.

Thanks for the notes, Dave. I will admit that the opening, albeit “killer” and that’s great to hear, btw, is so out of left field in regards to the actual story. You are right - that is the Pulitzer Prize winning story that was squashed, and it will make a reappearance near the end of the script.

I love the suggestion of George and Amy talking about Larry as opposed to Larry and Amy. Reading it back, that convo does go on a bit long, is solely exposition and on the nose, just like you said. Will work on it.

Losing steam at page 30??? Dammit, that’s not supposed to happen. It that where that long convo is or near it? Might be. Certainly don’t want you to lose interest there so I’ll look into that as well.

This is the beginning of a second draft. First one is already written so there’s definitely room to cut and add. Nothings in stone just yet. Thanks again for the feedback!

Quoted from SAC Thanks for the notes, Dave. I will admit that the opening, albeit “killer” and that’s great to hear, btw, is so out of left field in regards to the actual story. You are right - that is the Pulitzer Prize winning story that was squashed, and it will make a reappearance near the end of the script. I love the suggestion of George and Amy talking about Larry as opposed to Larry and Amy. Reading it back, that convo does go on a bit long, is solely exposition and on the nose, just like you said. Will work on it. Losing steam at page 30??? Dammit, that’s not supposed to happen. It that where that long convo is or near it? Might be. Certainly don’t want you to lose interest there so I’ll look into that as well. This is the beginning of a second draft. First one is already written so there’s definitely room to cut and add. Nothings in stone just yet. Thanks again for the feedback!

My pleasure Steve. I think you have something here. I just think we need to know what's your protagonist goal is by Page 30. Maybe that's why I lost interest. In most cases, any individual page was fine. I think I just lost direction of it. Look forward to seeing what you come up with

Good luck on the feature, Steven. =)