The Drawing by Ara Shahinian - Short, Drama - A pushover caricature artist finds himself in an odd conversation with his own drawing of Donald Trump who manipulates him to take bold action in a strict corporate workplace. 30 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Ara,
I really liked the writing here - the script reads well, and many of your descriptions are sparse and effective. Most of the dialogue is good as well, and the characters all have their own way of talking.

I think that some of the paragraphs (especially the opening on Page 1) are a bit too long, though: anything above four or five lines just looks a bit cluttered and excessive.

Some lenghty passages of dialogue from single characters could maybe be trimmed down a little as well - I didn't mind anything specific myself, but I can see some of it being a bit too much for a short script.

There are some typos/lines that need correction. Some that I have found are:

- PAGE 1: "The drawing crumpled and tossed into an overflowing bin of coffee cups and paper balls." kind threw me off and should probably sound something like: "He crumbles the drawing and tosses it into an overflowing bin of coffee cups and paper balls."
- PAGE 1: "His cubical is cluttered with..."
- PAGE 1: "His hands flail all over the place."
- PAGE 14: "I wish I could draw like this."
- PAGE 21: "It's not too shabby."
- PAGE 24: "I have a lot to offer."
- PAGE 27: "Patrick jumps to his feet in fury.

SPOILERS:
I was gonna criticize Kendall's odd behaviour, but since it turned out to be nothing but a dream, her demeanor then only added to the humor and the ending. I'm normally not huge on "it was all a dream" -twists, but I think it works and fits well here - especially since the story went unexpectedly crazy, which I liked  ;D

Overall, I liked the writing style. Good read  :)

Quoted from Dan_P Hi Ara, I really liked the writing here - the script reads well, and many of your descriptions are sparse and effective. Most of the dialogue is good as well, and the characters all have their own way of talking. I think that some of the paragraphs (especially the opening on Page 1) are a bit too long, though: anything above four or five lines just looks a bit cluttered and excessive. Some lengthy passages of dialogue from single characters could maybe be trimmed down a little as well - I didn't mind anything specific myself, but I can see some of it being a bit too much for a short script. There are some typos/lines that need correction. Some that I have found are: - PAGE 1: "The drawing crumpled and tossed into an overflowing bin of coffee cups and paper balls." kind threw me off and should probably sound something like: "He crumbles the drawing and tosses it into an overflowing bin of coffee cups and paper balls." - PAGE 1: "His cubical is cluttered with..." - PAGE 1: "His hands flail all over the place." - PAGE 14: "I wish I could draw like this." - PAGE 21: "It's not too shabby." - PAGE 24: "I have a lot to offer." - PAGE 27: "Patrick jumps to his feet in fury. SPOILERS: I was gonna criticize Kendall's odd behavior, but since it turned out to be nothing but a dream, her demeanor then only added to the humor and the ending. I'm normally not huge on "it was all a dream" -twists, but I think it works and fits well here - especially since the story went unexpectedly crazy, which I liked  ;D Overall, I liked the writing style. Good read  :)

I really appreciate your feedback very much Dan. This was my first short I'd written in a while so to say I was rusty is an understatement. I submitted this back in the beginning of December, I believe, and having re-read it just now it's amazing how much I could've fixed in terms of description and dialogue. So I'm in total agreement with you.

I've since written another short, only this one is 7 pages and in my opinion reads much better. I should post that too. I'm also currently writing my 3rd short so we'll see how that one goes.

Would you mind explaining a little bit more on the errors you listed? You quoted them but I don't understand where the mistakes are or what you were getting at.

Thank you once again for your feedback and for reading my short.

You're welcome. And it's cool, that you have more shorts in the works - if you decide to post them, I'll try to check them out.

Sure. The errors are nothing drastic:

PAGE 1: "His cubical cluttered of artist equipment..."
- I think this should read "His cubical IS cluttered WITH...", so that the sentence is correct.

PAGE 1: "His hands flailing all over the place."
-  I think the correct tense for scripts ought to be "His hands flail all over the place"

PAGE 14: "I wish I can draw like this."
- Should be: "I wish I could..."

PAGE 21: "It's not to shabby." "Not, to, shabby, at, aaall."
- "It's not too shabby." "Not, too, shabby at aaall."

PAGE 24: "I have a lot too offer."
- "I have a lot to offer."

PAGE 27: "Patrick jumps to his feet in furry."
- I think you either meant "in fury" or "in a hurry" here.

DB,  welcome to SS.

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Hmmm. Not sure where to begin here. Your log line is surely a winner. My first thought after reading it (the log line) was: "Shit, I wish I had thought of that." But then I read the script, and here I slowly drifted from confusion to boredom and maybe even a little anger.

First of all, the Trump character doesn't really sound like him at all. The world has had nearly 3 years of tweets and rally harangues from Trump (even longer for people who bothered to pay attention before he was elected). His dialog in your script sometimes comes close, but (and with apologies to anyone who voted for him) the real Trump is infinitely more vile. Again read the tweets, read the list of names he's called people.

My second issue is connected to the first, and this has to do with the character of Patrick. As I read it, Patrick pretty much IS Trump (a wildly unattractive, unapologetically opulent, misogynist buffoon with a knack for belittling others and pulling rank simply because he can) Why would Trump (even a hand drawn cartoon version of Trump) try to help someone (even his very creator) to destroy someone so very Trump-like.

This may actually be the point you are trying to make here, but if it is you lost me.

Finally, Patrick's fantasy as it unfolds seems to me the most Trumpian part of the script. And I frankly found it offensive.

"With one hand over her mouth and the other tugging at her hair he’s pumping her in doggy position."

Really?

"After which she strokes his hair in admiration."

Really?!?

Maybe I missed the whole point of your piece. Maybe this was a satire I was just too dimwitted to grasp. And if that is the case, please forgive me.

Quoted from JohnMcCarthy Hmmm. Not sure where to begin here. Your log line is surely a winner. My first thought after reading it (the log line) was: "Shit, I wish I had thought of that." But then I read the script, and here I slowly drifted from confusion to boredom and maybe even a little anger. First of all, the Trump character doesn't really sound like him at all. The world has had nearly 3 years of tweets and rally harangues from Trump (even longer for people who bothered to pay attention before he was elected). His dialog in your script sometimes comes close, but (and with apologies to anyone who voted for him) the real Trump is infinitely more vile. Again read the tweets, read the list of names he's called people. My second issue is connected to the first, and this has to do with the character of Patrick. As I read it, Patrick pretty much IS Trump (a wildly unattractive, unapologetically opulent, misogynist buffoon with a knack for belittling others and pulling rank simply because he can) Why would Trump (even a hand drawn cartoon version of Trump) try to help someone (even his very creator) to destroy someone so very Trump-like. This may actually be the point you are trying to make here, but if it is you lost me. Finally, Patrick's fantasy as it unfolds seems to me the most Trumpian part of the script. And I frankly found it offensive. "With one hand over her mouth and the other tugging at her hair he’s pumping her in doggy position." Really? "After which she strokes his hair in admiration." Really?!? Maybe I missed the whole point of your piece. Maybe this was a satire I was just too dimwitted to grasp. And if that is the case, please forgive me.

It's your opinion and I absolutely respect that and appreciate your feedback but I think you missed the point.

SPOILER:

The drawing of Donald Trump wasn't intended to be an exact mirror, personality wise, of the real Donald Trump. The drawing was suppose to represent Roden's subconscious/alter-ego. But it just so happened to have been the character he was tasked to draw in that specific moment and since I needed a strong character with some pretty nasty and unruly characteristics, I figured Donald Trump wasn't too far off.

And as far as Patrick is concern, would you agree that narcissistic personalities with a lot of money and power tend to all behave in similar fashion? And I don't mean to the T, but by in large they display many similar traits? So it's not unreasonable or a surprise to believe Donald Trump is a unique individual. His personality type are common among many other powerful elites.

I can also say it like this, Patrick was a Donald Trump mirror that was already made, and Roden was a Donald Trump in the making. If this makes any sense.

Anyway, this is getting too deep, lol. I honestly just wrote this out of the blue and I really just wanted to have fun with it. I honestly didn't think everything through to its micro detail. I just kinda went with the flow and experimented with an idea. I appreciate your feedback because honestly it kinda amused me.

I understand your explanation and (like your log line) it makes sense. But, but as I said, I was apparently too dimwitted to see these objectives in the script.

But (bearing in mind that you may be dealing with an imbecile here) I still have a suggestion.

In my calmer and more benevolent moments I find myself feeling something like pity for The Donald. And I wonder what possible abuse he must have faced as a kid that would make him turn into the obscene narcissistic monster he's become.

So if Trump represents Roden's subconscious/alter-ego maybe some of his dialog (pages 6-8 ) should reflect that.

When I revisited these passages, it seemed as though you may have had something like this in mind. But maybe it could be more direct.

For instance when Roden says he once stood up to his father, and Trump catches him in the lie, have him add something like this. "Don't get me wrong, kid. My Old Man was a prick too, but I showed him, didn't I? I hated that leathery old motherfucker but I ended up President of the fucking United States! He's not around anymore...burning in hell if there's any justice...so I take it out on anyone or anything that gets in my way! And that's what you need to do now. You could start with that fucking flabby dwarf of a boss."

Again, just a suggestion from a sad doofus in the Simply Scripts Universe. :)

Good luck with your writing.