No Name Patron by Tony Campbell - Short, Drama - A mute man revists old ghosts where his birth mother lived and reconnects with his past. 9 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice :)

Hi Tony.

Below are a couple of resource links to help you - There is a lot of newbie stuff in this script to sort out (but you are new, so it's no big deal). It's best to read, learn and practice in the beginning so that when you submit something for review, you are putting your best foot forward.

http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/scripts/screenplay.pdf
This gives good advice on formatting (and shows it visually). Some good tips on how to improve your writing, such as keeping action blocks short and concise and removing the superfluous.

https://screencraft.org/2016/04/13/how-to-cut-the-fat-from-your-screenplays/
The above goes more in depth into what/how to cut down the overwriting.

Keep writing. Best of luck to you

Matt

I couldn't read it, too many spelling mistakes and you are writing action as dialogue.

Hi Tony,

This is a sweet little story, you have some interesting characters and seem to show the good side of humanity through their actions towards the Patron. I think it would be good to not let us know in the logline that he is mute. It creates an air of mystery when he doesn't respond to people.. keeps us wondering what is up with this guy, it makes us want to keep reading.

Like Matthew has mentioned just keep writing your stories and reading other scripts and books. You only get better if you keep writing, reading and learning the formatting. You've already started the writing process, you are a storyteller, you put your work out there and that in itself is amazing. So keep at it....

If you don;t feel comfortable responding to any reviews of your work, just leave a thank you, then we'll know you've been back to see the reviews. We all want to help each other out here, so you don;t have to feel intimidated or that a negative criticism means you suck as a writer... We've all been there and are still there plugging away at it...

Just keep writing...:)

Cheers K

I really wanted to read the script but gave up. Long action paragraphs, missing commas etc. make it too hard to read!