The Guest House by Luke Anthony Walker - Horror - After surviving a near fatal car accident, a university art student is reluctantly whisked away to a remote and desolate guest house by her overprotective father, who's harboring a terrible secret she must never discover. 120 pages - pdf format[b]

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Removed by request, revised draft -> Wealdmount House

Hi Luke,

I am new to this so please keep that in mind.  

First I have to say I enjoyed reading your script immensely.  It kept my interest throughout.  The scene descriptions and actions were easy to understand and follow.  I was able to read the whole script in no time.  You come across to me as an accomplished writer.

The plot is relatively simple but still has plenty of surprises.  The limited locations and lack of special effects or stunts should allow for a low budget, increasing the chances of the script being produced.  I find the story to be imaginative yet believable.  Even though most of it takes place in one location, you are able to keep up the action.

But there are some things that I think could use improving.  From what I've read (which is not voluminous) a writer should try to keep each instance of dialogue to three lines or less.  The dialogue at times seems unnecessarily long.  For instance on page 2, the dialogue could be reduced.  Just as a my own crude example,

JOAN
Is your ride the reason you missed lecture today?

BILLY
No.  I was busy creating art, not listening to someone talk about it.

JOAN
But you won't pass if you keep missing lectures.

BILLY
Nah, it's cool.  The professor said I have raw talent and great potential.

Some 44 words versus some 78 words.  I don't think too much was lost.  

One time I begged my family to read out loud one of my scripts.  The dialogue was too long and dragged down the story.  I got bored hearing my own screenplay!  I learned there is a difference between how you read something and hearing it spoken out loud.

SPOILERS AHEAD

Besides that there are a couple of plot points I didn't quite get.  Was Joan really raped or was it all just a dream?  When Darren and Joan are on the couch, we hear a man go upstairs.  This is not part of a dream.  But then Joan dreams about biting off a finger and stabbing a couple of rapists.  Was Joan actually raped but the particulars of what Joan remembered just a dream.  If Darren was a rapist, why would he want to discontinue the experiment for ethical reasons?

I also thought the way you ended things with Billy was a let down.  No rescue, He just gets accidentally shot.  Is the part about Billy trying to find Joan needed?

All in all I think this is a good script.  It just needs some tweaks.  Hope this was helpful.

Optioned