Barry: If you want to find success with your work - you really have to clean up your typos, grammar and format issues. It is an absolute must. Starting with your logline:
Quoted Text When American President gave the order; Launch missile - they just peasants! There came grave consequences! |
missing a "the" after When.
Should be FADE IN:
So, we have typos in your logline and the very first thing you type on your script page.
Quoted Text A large sleek drone glides into view. Two missiles attached underwing. Ahead, is its mission destination... faint lights of a distant rural village, Jezeh. |
"The: faint lights.
Quoted Text LIEUTENANT WEST, 30's, athletic build. He is the Colonels 2. I.C. He's seated at a monitoring station, just right of Col. |
You don't need
He is the Colonels 2 and it is unfilmable to boot. But if you are going to include it - Colonel's - not Colonels and
number two - not 2. And spell out I.C.
Quoted Text LT. WEST Drone is 6 minutes, 40 seconds to target launch, Sir. |
In dialogue - always spell out the numbers. - six minutes - not 6 minutes.
Quoted Text LT. WEST (CONT'D) (Nervous tone) ...Sir, the smaller images... eleven... They of CHILDREN! |
They
are of children. ALso - lose the CAPS in your dialogue - never needed. You do it often - just use lower case. Also - not sure you need the parenthetical - it is implied by the dialogue.
Quoted Text COL. BRIGGS
GOD DAMMIT LIEUTENANT... You think I don't know that!
|
Comma needed after dammit.
Lose the caps.
? after that.
Quoted Text Col. Briggs gets a grip of himself. Yet, his tense.
Lt. West. His one hand furious over his keyboard, the other over his ear piece...
|
He's tense - not his tense.
Lt. West is not a sentence. and the entire sentence that follows doesn't make grammatical sense.
Quoted Text LT. WEST Sir, SECRETARY OF STATE, POMPEO, is still dark, Sir...
...GENERAL MILLEY too, Sir.
|
No need for the CAPS
And - this is an example of an error you make throughout - there are no blank lines in dialogue blocks. Not ever. There are a ton of places where you do this in your script. It is never right. Get rid of al the blank lines in dialogue blocks.
Quoted Text COL. BRIGGS GOD DAMMIT! Get me the President on the line! |
Why are you starting a new line after Dammit. That is the wrong format. It should be:
COL. BRIGGS
GOD DAMMIT! Get me the President on
the line!
Quoted Text OPERATATIONS SCREEN |
Error throughout - it's OPERATIONS
I'm stopping with examples on page 2. But note that there are many, many errors on every page of this script.
I am not trying to be cruel or snarky, but this is why people are not reading your stuff, Barry. They start, see tons of errors and they think - well, if the writer didn't care - why should I?
Now, I know you care - that is not what I'm saying. What I am saying is that, to take writing seriously, by definition means you will take format, grammar and spelling seriously. You must find a way to tackle your problems in these areas. They are ruining your work.
In terms of the story itself.
I thought the first five pages were really solid story-wise. They had great tension and sense of doom and dread.
I thought it went off the rails a bit after that in terms of believability. Stuff like the President being whisked off into hiding after a drone strike because all of America wants him dead was too much of a stretch for me. I didn't find it at all realistic. But again - the first five were solid.
Best of luck.