First - just a bunch of technical stuff.
Quoted Text INT. BEDROOM - DREAM SEQUENCE |
Even in a dream - you need to indicate NIGHT or DAY.
Not really crazy about how you handle this sequence. We don't know who is dreaming, we have no orientation on who they are approaching, etc.
If you going to keep the dream (I wouldn't - more on that it a bit), then I would recommend a structure along the lines of:
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Describe your PROTAG in bed - tossing and turning or whatever.
INSERT NIGHTMARE
describe your nightmare
BACK TO SCENE
He bolts up in bed, etc.
But all that being said - I really don't think you need to opening dream anyway. It adds little to the story,
Quoted Text Focus in, a sweaty over-weight balding man wears an evil drooling grin his eyes crazed.
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Clumsy - missing some commas too (e.g, for certain after grin) Maybe -
A sweaty, over-weight balding man comes into focus. His eyes crazed, saliva drooling from the corner of an evil grin.
Quoted Text Bolting out of bed, hyperventilating is JACK BOWLER (42). His muscular body highlighted by his skimpy tank-top.
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out of bed - or up in bed?
Quoted Text Next to it lays a FBI badge and cell phone.
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lies - not lays.
He is the Aquarius Killer. That's important enough for you to even include an image of it in your script. But you don't really make hay with it in the first murder scene with the Detective (you do later on - and real nicely - with the girl). I'd like for you to explore that. For example, if right before his presence is shown to Jack, Jack's radio could turn on and play Aquarious. Something like that.
Quoted Text DIANE (O.S.) I'm sorry for calling you so late. Flood just killed himself in his holding cell. |
Wrong format here - should be VO since she is not in the scene. I'd probably also add:
DIANE (V.O.)
(filtered thru phone)
I'm sorry for calling you so late.
Flood just killed himself in his
holding cell.
Quoted Text Making his way to the bathroom, flips on the light. The toilet FLUSHES, exits - lights off.
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need a "Jack" before flips
Quoted Text The bathtub knob turns by itself - water GUSHES OUT. Jack is thrown into the tub - his head forced underwater.
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That has to be a fast filling tub.
The newspaper seemed a bit dated for me. I think it would be better if after Jack first gets the news of the suicide - he logs on to a laptop or something and the same exposition you are giving us in the newspaper is on the screen.
Okay - to the more important stuff.
This was a good story. If this was a first time script, IMO you are well on your way. It doesn't at all read like a newbie. Good imagination - good creepiness and I liked the arc of the story. Well done. Basically, you just need to clean up a few things.
Enjoyable read!