Saw you making contributions to a couple of scripts so thought I'd check this out: First - the nitty issues.
Quoted Text INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - DAY |
Since you go through the effort of pointing out that your characters speak with American accents, I assume we are not in America. I would use the header to establish that. e.g.,
INT. WALES - HOTEL -CORRIDOR - DAY
Quoted Text CIARA, a pale, mousy woman in her 20s, pushes a cleaning trolley along the corridor of a hotel.
Up ahead in the corridor a room door opens and a portly middle-aged woman, MARY, storms out. Mary has an indignant air and is dressed in the old-fashioned glamour of a fur coat.
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Two nit issues - but to me always a bit inefficient to state their genders if the name is obvious and always takes less works to just state their age.
e.g.,
CIARA (23), pale, mousy pushes a cleaning
trolley along the corridor of a hotel.
Up ahead in the corridor a room door opens and MARY (50) portly,
storms out.
Quoted Text BRENDAN Haha. When will I let go? Now? (Beat) Now? (Beat) Now .
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I always like to exploit the beats to provide more info than just a pause - like:
BRENDAN
Haha. When will I let go? Now?
(squeezing harder)
Now?
(still harder)
Now
Overall the writing is pretty solid. I have one beef with the story.
SPOILERS
The way you set it up it is obvious once she kills herself on page 9 what is going to happen over the next three pages till the end. It just lost it's ooomph right there. We know the rest of the story before reading it.
A suggestion - consider opening with Ciara coming home to the apartment - having the fight with David - killing her self and right up to the point when she confronts him --
Then FLASHBACK to where she first sees Mary in the corridor. GO all the way up to the current state and then the murder. Just a thought.
LOVED the title.
Overall - I'd rate this pretty solid.