How To Make A Cocktail by Dennis Narovcheno - Short, Thriller - The Devil wants one thing. 10 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice :)

Hello Dennis and welcome to SimplyScripts. It's obvious that you haven't taken anytime to search how to write a proper screenplay. The use of Italics and parentheses make me think you have some theatre experience, which is great, but playwrighting isn't the same as screenwriting.

Quoted Text EXT. NAME OF THE BAR (IRKALLA’S) - DAY.

Why not just say EXT. IRKALLA'S - DAY?

A screenplay is as succinct as possible. Show us the most amount of information in the shortest amount of words, but also keep in mind tone and rhythm.

Quoted Text (Babe and Barb sit together in a car, from a distance, casually watching Mr. Martini and Calvin who are both outside a bar waiting for Barb and Babe. Mr. Martini and Calvin don’t know that because they don’t know each other. Mr. Martini is just the bar keeper. Mr. Martini sits on a chair, talking on the phone or having a cigarette. Distanced from Mr. Martini is Calvin who just looks cold and can’t wait to go inside.)

Screenplays follow the rule that you can only write what we can see or you can shoot.

EXT. IRKALLA'S - DAY

MR. MARTINI (the bartender) and CALVIN (a patron) wait at the sidewalk. Calvin rubs his hands together as he waits. Mr. Martini, a few feet away, smokes a cigarette.

A screenwriter's job is to be as specific as you can be. You have no room to be vague. Does Mr. Martini talk on the phone or does he smoke, or does he do both? Make a decision. You can always change it later.

EXT. DOWN THE STREET - DAY

BARB sits behind the wheel of an old sedan. BABE sits in the passenger seat. They're far enough away that they can see the bar, but neither Calvin nor Mr. Martini notice them.

We don't really need your actions in parentheses. While you may like it, it doesn't add anything to the script. Write the action in the action lines, but show us something about the character. This is what I mean by specifics. SHow us exactly how the actor says something. "Her lip snarls" instead of "conniving" or "She furrows her brows" instead of "angry". That kinda thing.

"Snickers" is an actual action, so that's good.

I read the entire thing. I kinda wish Mr. Martini trips and shoots himself by accident, but that might not be what you're going for.

It's hard to tell how long this is going to be, because the format is so messed up from standard screenplay format. This is very stagey, which is fine, but you need to know exactly what each character wants. You're going to be talking a lot, which is fine, but you have to keep escalating. They can't just go back and forth.

I read it, and I don't know what actually happens. You should rename Barb or/and Babe. It actually doesn't matter because I don't think you say their names out loud. You also don't say Mr. Martini's name out loud. It's a big deal, because we're watching this.

Read some screenwriting books. Read some websites. Read some scripts.

As an exercise, find the screenplay to your favorite movie and read it while you watch it so you know how a person writes a screenplay vs a stage play.

You came to a place to learn so learn from our feedback.

It is pretty much clear that it is a play. Nonetheless, I read it and found it to be okay-ish. Maybe this how plays are meant to be. It felt a lot rushed and overly dramatic. Maybe if it turned into a proper script format with screenwriting instincts, it will read a lot better.

Anyways, as said above, read some scripts and then give this one a shot.

Good luck.