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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Drama Scripts / Ludovico's Negro Y Blanco
Posted by: Don, January 16th, 2021, 10:54am
Ludovico's Negro Y Blanco by Austin Ludovico - Short, Drama, Western - A black and white man team up to take on a racist gang. 3 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: AlsoBen, January 22nd, 2021, 2:45pm; Reply: 1
Are you on the boards Austin? If so, I will take a look in more depth.
My minimal Spanish has translated your title into something like “your name Black isin black an white". Did I get it? :P
Your first logline is an interior, which is hard to grass because it is described as a desert road. As a general rule, I try to avoid using The same word or title that is present in the slug line to describe the scene. The information is already in slug - eg you describe your “desert road” in words as a “desert road” which is redundant.
Do you have spelt disheveled wrong which is hard because thats a speaking character's name and it comes up a lot. You’ve also not introduced any of those speaking characters appropriately. E.g. characters are introduced in full caps.
As I said, if you’re active on the board and can respond I will keep reading and give you some more thoughts on the actual story but at the moment your first page is not close enough to industry standard and would turn a lot of people off. I’m not necessarily a quote “Format “Nazi but a quick run through with this story on a screen writing software, some of which is free (writerDuet, Caltx - not the in-bowser version, the software version which can you ca still get) would make this more readable.
Thank you for sharing. There is a lot of things that you have done right (dialogue on first two pages is clean) and getting fundamentals of format down is probably the easiest hurdle to cross.
Ben :)
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