Hi Mark
Hope you are well. Just a warning that my comments may come across as blunt, they all are intended to help.
If you are new to scriptwriting then this is a good start, the basics are covered so now it's a case of learning and practising to tighten up the writing.
Try and make every word count.
Quoted Text A 10 year old boy, BRUCE, plays with another boy, his older
BROTHER. |
You introduce them twice, "boy" and "bruce/brother".
BRUCE (10) is all you need - immediately cutting 6 words into 2.
I would also give BROTHER a name (his first word in dialogue is 'bro' so we get the relationship. Also give an age rather than 'older'.
BRUCE (10) plays with ROGER (14) - this cuts 13 words into 6.
Honestly, I would also do away with the "plays with" as you want your script to be vivid and the action to play out as it happens - what exactly are they doing? and I would also add in some descriptions of them to spice it up.
An em-dash is a useful tool to the screenwriter but you use it both too much and incorrectly. I would suggest looking up their proper use.
Some of the action was well-paced, but the below was confusing.
Quoted Text
Bruce FIRES -- Miss.
FIRES again -- another miss --
The witness spots the safety of a dense forest area getting
closer.
Bruce lowers his rifle. The witness nears his escape --
Out of the blue, a BANG off screen and the witness collapses.
Bruce lowers his rifle.
|
While I'm on it, I would avoid using phrases like "out of the blue" and "suddenly" - They don't add anything - as we read the script it is happening here and now, just tell us what happens.
A thriller should elicit feelings of suspense, excitement, anticipation, surprise, anxiety... other words I can't think of.
So for the above scene, I would extend it slightly to build that up, I would also use mini slugs here as they are still in the same location, but this location is vast - In the woods and one of them has fled from the other.
Quoted Text BANG. Bruce fires. Miss
WITNESS
The witness zig-zags his run, stumbles over exposed roots. BANG.
The bark of the tree next to him SPLINTERS
BRUCE
Reloads. takes aim...
Stops. He lowers the rifle with a sigh.
WITNESS
Sprints towards dense woodland ahead.
Almost there, he works his legs harder and harder. BANG.
Witness goes facefirst into the dirt.
BRUCE
Lowers the rifle, grins. |
You can do better, but extending it can heighten the anticipation and suspense.
I don't have any more time, so if you want more thoughts later then let me know.
Some of my quick notes in bullet-point form below.
- I do not buy into Bruce shooting down the witness
- The first flashback is completely unnecessary
- Too much chit-chat for my liking, and the dialogue seems emotionless and doesn't fit with the scenario.
- The boiling frog at the beginning I am assuming is about the old fable (Reacting better to sudden threats rather than rising threats) If so, this doesn't seem to deliver on the rising threat element. The threat from Witness to Bruce should rise until it gets to the point where the threat is now too great (Bruce hands him the rifle for some reason - now the witness is armed) for Bruce to easily overcome. The hunter becoming the hunted.
- I like the image of the phone, with the different hands trying to grasp it. Not a fan of the ending though with him talking to the operator, wraps it up in too neat a package for me. Personally, I would have left it hanging (who shot who?) or, if you want to tie up the ending.
The shot goes off, blood hits the phone... we linger on the phone... who will pick it up... then the hand of who you want to be the victor grabs it.
Just my take on things anyway.
This is a great start though and I think you are on to a winning thriller short that would be easy to shoot and cheap to produce.
All the best
Matt