American Star by Robert Timsah - Drama - Amid Oscar rumors a weary young actor chooses a risky film against his controlling father’s wishes, only to fall in love with the writer and unearth a trauma so dark it could tear father and son apart forever. 88 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Revised draft/ link above, as per Robert's request.

Robert, I'm sure I've read and commented on this. I started reading and it's all very familiar.

If it's a new draft well, at least I'm giving it a bump.

P.S. lightning not lightening in your opening btw.

Quoted from LC Robert, I'm sure I've read and commented on this. I started reading and it's all very familiar. If it's a new draft well, at least I'm giving it a bump. P.S. lightning not lightening in your opening btw.

Thanks, L.C. I was just ranting today about how I wish I could just get an editor. LOL

Gave the first three a read. Just some nit issues:

Quoted Text Richard ruffles up Merrick's hair, then enters the pool as Vivian (45), who has long blonde hair and is wearing large sunglasses, joins them.

She doesn't really join them as Richard is now in the pool -

You can get rid of the who has. he has. she has. it is in scriptwriting to make it crisper. i.e, te above is crisper as:

Richard ruffles up Merrick's hair, then enters the pool as
Vivian (45), blonde hair, large sunglasses, approaches.

Quoted Text Vivian sits next to Merrick, putting her feet in the pool and nodding at the script.

I think you need a Richard swims off here.

I am a bit confused here:

Quoted Text MERRICK Made it a few pages in. Back to this one. Always back to this one. Vivian gazes out at Richard. VIVIAN Your father loved it - the other script. MERRICK Of course he did.

Is Richard the father?? if so - loves - not loved. Makes it seems like the dude is dead. If he aon't - don't have her gaze at Richard.

I got confused is to which script they were referring to - it took me a few reads to figure out what is going on here. I finally figured out that Richard thinks Merrick is reading one script when he is actually reading another - but that took me awhile to get there - maybe I'm thick this morning -

Quoted Text SAMANTHA PIERCE (20), who has long brown hair and a very pretty face, slips her hands over Merrick's eyes and yells out. SAMANTHA Merrick Jennings is still alive!

Same issue as above regarding the "who has" (I would look for this throughout your script and change) and you never have to say someone is yelling when they are going to yell in the next dialogue block. The above could be:

SAMANTHA PIERCE (20), long brown hair, pretty face, slips her hands over Merrick's eyes.

SAMANTHA
Merrick Jennings is still alive!

Quoted Text Well-dressed viewers, including Merrick, Samantha, Richard and Vivian are packed in and the lights are down as a film plays.

General cap - CAP groups of people when intro'd just like you would with a character.  Viewers also an odd choice here - maybe PATRONS?

In a snowy field Merrick lies bleeding to death in
Samantha's arms as she sobs.

comma needed after field.

Quoted from eldave1 Gave the first three a read. Just some nit issues: She doesn't really join them as Richard is now in the pool - You can get rid of the who has. he has. she has. it is in scriptwriting to make it crisper. i.e, te above is crisper as: Richard ruffles up Merrick's hair, then enters the pool as Vivian (45), blonde hair, large sunglasses, approaches. I think you need a Richard swims off here. I am a bit confused here: Is Richard the father?? if so - loves - not loved. Makes it seems like the dude is dead. If he aon't - don't have her gaze at Richard. I got confused is to which script they were referring to - it took me a few reads to figure out what is going on here. I finally figured out that Richard thinks Merrick is reading one script when he is actually reading another - but that took me awhile to get there - maybe I'm thick this morning - Same issue as above regarding the "who has" (I would look for this throughout your script and change) and you never have to say someone is yelling when they are going to yell in the next dialogue block. The above could be: SAMANTHA PIERCE (20), long brown hair, pretty face, slips her hands over Merrick's eyes. SAMANTHA Merrick Jennings is still alive! General cap - CAP groups of people when intro'd just like you would with a character.  Viewers also an odd choice here - maybe PATRONS? In a snowy field Merrick lies bleeding to death in Samantha's arms as she sobs. comma needed after field.

Thanks, Dave.

The opening scene is the scene Merrick is reading poolside.

Richard thinks he's reading The Undertaker script which is mentioned later.

"Your father loved it, the other one (script)". I could just change it to script instead of one.

It is confusing, believe me.

I've allowed myself to get pushed around on these descriptions. Started second-guessing.

New draft up, as per your request, Robert.

Check it's correct, or I'll post the link separately, until Don can embed.

I think I got it right though. :)

Quoted from LC New draft up, as per your request, Robert. Check it's correct, or I'll post the link separately, until Don can embed. I think I got it right though. :)

It's working, thank you.