The Payoff by Rene Claveau - Short, Drama - A successful heist changes lives. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nice work, René.

My favourite scene was :

SPOILERS ahead -



- The guys copping it. Even though I should have seen it coming the unceremonious killing of Dan and Freddy was shockingly effective.

I did wonder at the explicit descriptions of clothing - fitted/loose. Am I missing something?

Also thought it needed a Fade Out, or The End, even if you choose not to Fade In. The nature of the story kinda had me scrolling down for more without that ' full stop' to the proceedings.

Apart from the deadly moment of shock, this reads a little underwhelming and for that reason I wonder if it's the start of something bigger story-wise.

I also wondered at the bag of money being openly on display.
The MAN will surely be coming for the others too, right? Unless that was Miles' doing.

Nicely drawn characters.
Plot was just a little subdued.

Thanks for reading and reviewing, Libby! I totally forgot to come back and check after my vacation, and by then it wasn't in recent threads any more.

This is now sold and no longer available.

Hey, Rene. Gave this one a quick peek. Interesting story.

Writing flows well, characters are well-drawn with snappy dialog. I really like the way you describe your characters. :)

I was enjoying the story until it just... stops. Where is the ending? It's actually sort of ironic the conclusion here is weak, given the title of the script.

Still, I enjoyed the read. Good work here, Dude. :) And congrats on getting it sold!

Congrats, Rene!

Quoted from Zack Hey, Rene. Gave this one a quick peek. Interesting story. Writing flows well, characters are well-drawn with snappy dialog. I really like the way you describe your characters. :) I was enjoying the story until it just... stops. Where is the ending? It's actually sort of ironic the conclusion here is weak, given the title of the script. Still, I enjoyed the read. Good work here, Dude. :) And congrats on getting it sold!

Thanks Zack. I originally wrote it to enter into a Mandy.com contest with a 5 page limit and it had to have the line "where do we go from here?" So that was the inspiration, and why it ends the way it does, to stay within the page count. I don't mind the open ending though, and I was going to film it myself but things kept coming up.