What Did You Do? (It's Not A Dream, It's A Memory - One) by Jefferson Baugh - Short, Horror - A man rushes home to his panicked, suicidal wife - and walks into a nightmare. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Jefferson!

This is really compelling and really creepy, particularly when the third element of horror is introduced into the story. That's what makes it horror.

BIG SPOILERS BELOW




A TALL SHAPE. LIKE A MAN, but not.
Impossibly tall. SPINDLY. All BLACK, blacker than
everything around it. Like a VOID. SAVE FOR IT'S EYES. (delete the apostrophe, btw)

I think it might be even more sinister if the one ('shape/figure) moves from one spot to another, instead of there being more than one of it, but I'm not fixed on that. Just thought if it could move fast (materialise) like that with its appearance it'd be scary and shocking. Likewise: They want more... - would then be 'it wants more' obviously - an entity haunting her. That'd be a terrific alternate title too - They/It wants More.

BABY
I need you. . .to help me. . .
(beat)
They want more.
(beat)
It's never going to stop.

You could, instead of 'beat' have her (whisper), (shaking), quietly become (hysterical)? (hand clamped over her mouth) to stop screaming.

The two of them look at each other, her PLEADING and him in
SHOCK - while between them, in the bedroom. . .the SHAPE.

Can he see it?

Is it real?

I don't think you need those last two lines, (above) even though it's not dialogue (which is good that it isn't btw,) but it's superfluous imho. Of course he sees it and that's the horror of it. That's the reveal.

Formatting:

Your title page:
(it's not a dream, it's a memory - One) I don't think you need that, and if it's Part 1, then state that specifically, otherwise it detracts imho. At the very least insert a space between the lines.

You don't need the directorial inclusions (medium close up, cut to etc.) unless you are directing this yourself, leave this to the creative vision of the Director.

The two of them stares at it, as it races a hand. . .
Stare - singular. The two of them stare at it... (delete the spaces in your ellipses) - a few instances of this: . . . instead of: ...

(os) (O.S.)
(CONT'D)

The End shouldn't be on a last page on its own and deleting the lines above would fix that.

You misdirect perfectly by making this appear as if it's mental illness and then shock us with the horror of a different kind of reality. Poor doggie, btw.

I'd love to hear your thoughts re the 'memory' angle which didn't quite gel for me.

Anyway, great job!

P.S. This would have fitted in nicely with the OWC (Halloween one-week challenge) that we recently had in regards to the 'villian' theme:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-1021/m-1633552355/s-0/

Hope you'll join us in the next one.

Howdy everyone!

I'm Jefferson Baugh, the writer of WHAT DID YOU DO?

I recently Directed and Produced, and Edited, and catered, the short from March to May, and we're at the tail end of Post Production now - it's should be finished and released in about. . .two weeks! I'll post with the link when it's online.

Well, I'll look forward to seeing it, despite the fact you didn't respond to feedback.  :P

Right there with Libby. Congrats and all, but if you want more interaction here, you need to read and review other's work. And always respond to reviews you get!

Oh sure! Pardon me! Life got away from me in the intervening . . .oh geez, three years 😅!

It was definitely feedback we took into consideration before shooting, however - I printed it out and kept it in our production notebook, as a matter of fact!

On the "memory" angle - that's less of a subtext than a subtitle. This short, and "Still Burning," the short in the forum header, were both initially written informally as part of a series called "It's Not A Dream, It's A Memory" because they're both elaborations on real events and emotions, with not as much exaggeration as you might expect.

So, both of these shorts are, in their way, snapshots of me at a very particular, very strange and messy earlier time in my life.

I'll stick around and find other scripts to comment on! Thanks y'all!

Hey Jefferson,

Ditto what the others said about engagement. I don't know how much help my feedback will be but here they are nonetheless, lol.

• Upfront, there's some really strong execution. Sam has to decide to miss work and help his wife or stay at work and not help his wife, creating dilemma's like this are generally always a good idea because it reveals character and creates goals.
  
  
• Also, there's some effective escalation when Baby calls again, she mentions blood, making him and the audience wonder who's hurt then when Sam tries calling back and can't get through, leaving our his and the audience mind to wonder. The best kind of fear.
  
  
• I think setting up the dog a little bit could help. For example, when Sam first enters the house maybe he stumbles over a doggy bowl or toy so that as an audience we’re alerted that there is a dog. Now some people might not pick up on the fact the dog hasn’t come running, which is generally the case when an owner comes, but I think that's great because it’s nice subtle nod to what’s to come as to why the dog doesn't coming running.
  
  
• Ditto on LC's comments about the last few lines, but to each his own.
  

Looking forward to your next project!

BLB

Hey everyone! So, here's the link to the finished short. Since posting this draft, it underwent a handful of rewrites, but the fairly huge majority of what's in the draft above is represented. . .along with edits we made based on the suggestions found here!

Once again, I wrote, Directed and Edited this thing, so it's right from the id, for better or worse.

Also, currently reading and reviewing a ton of y'all's short scripts to balance the scales out a little :P hope you all enjoy, and I look forward to reading and watching y'all's work! From what I've read, you're all aces and this is considerably good company to be in!

https://youtu.be/o2vf9kaD31E?si=UWAdGajHZYUUxseC

Quoted from TheFilmistj0 Hey everyone! So, here's the link to the finished short. Since posting this draft, it underwent a handful of rewrites, but the fairly huge majority of what's in the draft above is represented. . .along with edits we made based on the suggestions found here! Once again, I wrote, Directed and Edited this thing, so it's right from the id, for better or worse. https://youtu.be/o2vf9kaD31E?si=UWAdGajHZYUUxseC

Nice work! Well done.