The Movie Star by Jamie Trouncelle - Short, Horror - A young woman speaks the night away about her experiences in the filming industry.  3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi there,
This is still a script and if it ever gets produced, it will be a ONE SHOT film.
Thank you for your feedback.

Hi, Jamie, welcome to SS.

For you to get feedback on your scripts, you need to give feedback on other writers' scripts. This is the primary rule here on SS.

Hope to see you actively participate on the board.  

Hi Jamie, my first question is - shouldn't this be Horror? It's listed in Drama but with what unfolds I'm assuming it's more Horror.

Let me know if you want it moved.

Re your actual story, even though the character monologue is rather lengthy you kept me engaged.
Having said that you could edit to essential information.
Lines like this (below) for example:

I could've
done things myself, like put myself
out there more often.

I think it might be more impacting if Maddy did do everything for her career and still end up where she did. That line seems to go against the effort and struggle she clearly did make.

I'm also wondering at your choice of description for your main character, Maddy.

She's pretty, and a little dimwitted. She's an
actress, with euphoric makeup.


Try to 'show' she's an actress more than tell us.

Dimwitted she doesn't really appear to be. At least you went against type with brunette as opposed to cliched dumb blonde, but I actually think the choice of making her smart is the better choice because despite being on the ball the outcome for her is still the same. There's no clue for me that her not being smart led to her demise.

Euphoric makeup?
You need a different word there. Makeup cannot possess euphoric qualities.
Perhaps you mean theatrical or garish, bright or overly made up?

You might want to elaborate on 'tight space' - what do we actually see on film?

SPOILERS BELOW



I'm a bit in the dark as to why Maddy was killed off and who The Figure actually is, especially given this character never speaks or interacts. Perhaps this is a commentary on Hollywood stars being easily replaceable and there always being a next hot young thing around the corner?

Finally, 'isle' should be spelt aisle. Isle is a small island.

Couple of links for you to help navigate the site, tips, etc.

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/s-new/
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/

Yuvraj, makes a good point about the more you put into SS, the more you get back in return.

Welcome to you and I hope you stick around!  :D

Thank you for your feedback.

You're welcome.
Feel free to elaborate more regarding your choices and the story.

And do let me know if you want this moved to Horror, or if I'm way off track. :)

Horror, it is.
Thank you.

Filmed

Hey Jamie,

First, congrats on getting this made!

I know this has already been filmed, but I really enjoyed this, and I was trying to put my finger on why exactly.

I think you were effective in the timing of information, which starts to feel like mini-reveals, answering curiosities. Well done. I don't think the short film matched the same level of unnerving uncertainty as the script (at least in my mind's eye), but there were some changes that I thought worked in their own way.

All the best,
BLB

Well done in getting this made. I always enjoyed the script.