Hey Brent,
Sorry it took me longer than expected to get to this. Here are my notes below:
Great writing here. You express everything well and clearly. I can tell you have an eye for description and voice.
However, the "rules" of screenwriting have been broken here multiple times. Yes, unfortunately there are rules, but for the most part you've gotten it down quite well.
I would love to compliment the voices of both characters. I could easily imagine how they both talked. There was a bit of antiquity in the way they spoke, which I always adore. I love reading this kind of dialogue, because I feel like I'm living in another time. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just a different way of making people speak. At least, for Rebecca.
As far as formatting goes, you have most of it down.
The CUT TO's need to go when transitioning from one scene to another. I usually use CUT TO very sparingly unless needed specifically for editing purposes. Otherwise, we know that the scene change refers to a CUT, unless specified in any other way (DISSOLVE, FADE, etc)
Some of the dialogue needs character names. Otherwise it just looks like a block of dialogue. Based on context, we know who's speaking. However, for formatting's sake, there needs to be a character name above each piece of dialogue.
The thing that stood out to me the most was how much detail you go into everything. While beautiful, you need to make your descriptions as sparse as possible. Do not go into so much detail that it reads like prose or a stage play. Write only what the camera (i.e. the audience) sees. We don't know the thoughts of characters or how they feel. Instead, express that through dialogue. For instance:
Quoted Text Rebecca nods, serious and thoughtful, but for a second - oddly
and irrationally - also jealous. How nice it would be not to
have to worry about composition deadlines every few weeks. She
knows this is nonsense, and she loves her job, but her current
stress, no matter how much it has been temporarily abated, is
getting the best of her.
REBECCA (dreamily)
I would kill for that kind of freedom... |
That entire paragraph you just wrote? All of that was said in Rebecca's line of dialogue right there. That's what I'm talking about. A character is feeling alone? Show them in a large, barren space by themselves. A character is angry? Have them scream their line with their face red. Show us, do not tell us. Unless it is absolutely necessary for the story, leave out all exposition, details, and thoughts.
Lastly, the story was very nice. I thought this was going to be set on a bridge, with a homeless man (or music composer) was going to jump off the edge. But it was quite different. It was a great little conversation, and, as your logline suggests, a pleasant unlikely connection. Will this be the start of a career for Gabe, and a breakthrough for Rebecca? Who knows. Will this be the start of a great new friendship? Totally.
Sean