I Love You, I Hate You by Andrew Champagne - Drama - Chloe and Finnick's open-relationship is challenged by outside forces. 84 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

*Apologies - the first posting was corrupted. I could not save it.

- Don

-Don, it was my post.  I had it saved in MS Word so nothing was lost. However, I was mortified thinking I broke your message board. I am happy to find it's okay.

For the story, "I Love You, I Hate You"...

I liked this. While it is a bit unusual to have a picture following the title page with an author's note and dedication, in this case, it was necessary. You may get some grief from standard form purists but I can't think of another way to clarify it. It would have been difficult reading without the note that Chloe is referred to as "they".

As a story I found it to be a fascinating insight to a whole different set of lifestyles and people different to myself. Your characters seemed quite real and brought to life through their dialog. The opening fight between Chloe and Finnick was quite realistic. I have had friends reveal similar disputes and thought it was just them. The ending had no surprises, but it did end with a happy feeling. It all worked out.

I do have some helpful advice:

All characters need to be introduced in ALL CAPS. This also applies to extras.

At the top of page 36, you refer to Harold as pointing to Finnick's head as a parenthetical. You didn't use any names so I assume that is what you meant. You should take the time to write out a full action line like "He points to Finnick's head." That would clarify it.

On page 43 you have an italicized note "two weeks later". This is not a slug line. I think you mean this to be something for an audience to read since you fade to it and another scene. I believe the term for that is SUPER as in superimpose. You would start out with the slug line for the next scene, followed by SUPER: "TWO WEEKS LATER", followed by the action line about the scissors.

On page 61 you have an editing mistake: "Chloe grabs yanks their bag" about 15 or 16 lines (including spaces) from the top of the page.

Your slug lines need work. Several of them are written without INT./EXT. or DAY/NIGHT which is fine if it's all in the same area or close in time, or both. If you are taking us from indoors to outdoors or vice versa, you need the appropriate INT. or EXT. Just stating INDOORS as a slug line doesn't cut it (INDOORS where?). I'm not an expert on slug lines. It's something you will need to read up on.

Last but not least, you should avoid putting direction in a spec script which is what this is. Some would say put none, some would say that a little is forgivable. You use "CUT TO" all over the place. It's unnecessary. We know the story moves onto what you wrote next. A director should decide how we get there in the theater.

Also, I have a question. Did Chloe cut their own throat on P. 43? What happened?