Local Moguls Pilot: The Thickening by Michael Winters - Series, Comedy - A stubborn TV station owner and his ambitious colleagues face misadventure during the fight for influence and meaning at the intersection of media, business, and politics in a small coastal town. 37 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Okay, I was finally left alone long enough to read the whole thing.

I understand the vibe you are going for.  A bang, bang, bang, skipping stone across the surface type of action.  You get that, but it's kind of hard to follow.  There is no underlying string (or over-arching theme, if you will) to hold it together, that I could make out.  Nothing to tie it up at the  end, really.  I get that he got the bad news, freeze frame, etc.  But it didn't make me say, "Ouch! I was afraid that was coming."  Do you understand what I mean?  I know we saw the letter earlier on, but there weren't enough touchstone warnings between to keep it in my mind.

The pieces are there, wife, children, friend Danny who helps keep him afloat from behind the scenes, yet seems willing to bolt any moment.  Dunk, who seems on call when needed, but has hangers-on who are questionable characters who seems to have no purpose in life.  But we need the stones to sink a little, rather than just skip.  Something to ground our wild, high flying main character.  he's living like a 21 year old, yet he and his wife have teenage kids.  So what brought him to this point?  Did he mange to live like this all these years, get married and have kids all the time skipping across the water, etc?  Or did he give up a solid life to pursue his dream of owning a TV station, with a long-suffering wife who loves and wants to support him, even though she worries about the big, stone wall they're careering toward?  And the kids.  They are old enough to 'get it.'  I'd like more of them and their angle on how their dad lives.  Does the son, as boys will do, back his 'cool dad' and his wild lifestyle choices against the daughter who is ashamed to show her face in school because of her dad's escapades, etc?

As I say, the pieces are there, but I feel we need some backstory as well as a more solid common thread to pull the story together and make us feel his fear at the end and makes us worry about what he's going to do to get out of his dilemma.

     Thanks a lot for the feedback. I think the overall idea is that people don't think Stephen or what WPGL is doing is serious. That's why Kregg is such an antagonist here, ending on the line of Stephen basically never amounting to anything, and Clay going forward will be one of his biggest allies. Of course, as written, it's hinted Stephen and Clay will collaborate to bring Kregg down in the coming episodes. And to answer your question, yes definitely he did "manage to live like this all these years, get married and have kids all the time skipping across the water" in part because of Danny running interference, and I intend to show Local Moguls as the first real big test of his life, especially since Danny is running short on patience. As the controlling idea, which Stephen and the others will struggle with throughout the series, I have written "Re: behavior - people will inevitably fall back on what they know best. Ex. ambition / search for meaning vs. laziness and complacency - being "comfortable."
    I don't think it's terribly important in the spec to have the kids 100% fleshed out, but I disagree with Ali as "the long-suffering wife who loves and wants to support him, even though she worries about the big, stone wall they're careering toward?" I think I've written it quite the opposite, and that's where the humor is, IMO. She's kind of just as oblivious as he is and is hot-tempered. Pretty obvious during Lyle's teacher meeting, both especially how tight (loyal) she is to Stephen but also angered at an outsider threatening her family unit. We'll see them develop of the course of what I'd envision 7-8 episodes for streaming and shaped to change by the larger community, starting with the potential taking away of their livelihood (added, by their own doing), with the cliffhanger. However, I have noted myself to write another scene in Act III to show them closer as a family at the studio before Stephen heads out.

Quoted from michaelmwinters      Thanks a lot for the feedback. I think the overall idea is that people don't think Stephen or what WPGL is doing is serious. That's why Kregg is such an antagonist here, ending on the line of Stephen basically never amounting to anything, and Clay going forward will be one of his biggest allies. Of course, as written, it's hinted Stephen and Clay will collaborate to bring Kregg down in the coming episodes. And to answer your question, yes definitely he did "manage to live like this all these years, get married and have kids all the time skipping across the water" in part because of Danny running interference, and I intend to show Local Moguls as the first real big test of his life, especially since Danny is running short on patience. As the controlling idea, which Stephen and the others will struggle with throughout the series, I have written "Re: behavior - people will inevitably fall back on what they know best. Ex. ambition / search for meaning vs. laziness and complacency - being "comfortable."     I don't think it's terribly important in the spec to have the kids 100% fleshed out, but I disagree with Ali as "the long-suffering wife who loves and wants to support him, even though she worries about the big, stone wall they're careering toward?" I think I've written it quite the opposite, and that's where the humor is, IMO. She's kind of just as oblivious as he is and is hot-tempered. Pretty obvious during Lyle's teacher meeting, both especially how tight (loyal) she is to Stephen but also angered at an outsider threatening her family unit. We'll see them develop of the course of what I'd envision 7-8 episodes for streaming and shaped to change by the larger community, starting with the potential taking away of their livelihood (added, by their own doing), with the cliffhanger. However, I have noted myself to write another screen in Act III to show them closer as a family at the studio before Stephen heads out.

It all sounds fair enough to me.  Best of luck to you!!