The Girlfriend - Print Topic

Interesting set of twists at the end. It kept me guessing as to where this story was going to go. I got the feeling that you were trying to avoid a sad ending to what was a train wreck of a woman who made some unfortunate decisions. The ending seemed to hang with Gary left with a decision. That by itself is okay but the conversation leading to it seemed a little drawn out. Just my opinion.

That said, the biggest problems with this script were mechanical. These need to be addressed and incorporated into your next project or re-write of this one:

Your spacing and tabs are wrong for a script. I’m not sure what software you used to write this. It’s possible that you used Skia to produce your PDF and your spaces, margins and tabs were butchered in the translation. I have seen other scripts with butchered formatting caused by the author not translating it correctly. If I can find the advice they received, I’ll post it here in case it’s relevant. It’s also possible you should use different software to write with. There are many packages available with prices that range from free to “Hey, say what?!?”

You need a title page. It has the title of the story, your name and contact information. There should also be a copyright claim as well. Your story should start on the following page.

You need page numbers on the upper right corner. The title page isn’t counted and page one is skipped.

All characters, including extras, need to be typed in all caps when they are introduced.

Parentheticals should be on their own line and indented from the dialog text.

When typing action lines, they should be broken up so that they are not more than four lines.

Camera directions like “Fade to” and “Cut to” are frowned upon. You need to keep them to a minimum or better yet, not at all.

While your flashbacks are formatted correctly, it’s not always perfectly clear who’s flashbacks we are seeing. For instance, Sherry asks Chantelle about the crystal glasses and we jump into a flashback. It was unclear who’s flashback we see until afterward when we get an explanation.

There are other problems but these stood out. You can start with fixing these.

I suggest you read more of other people’s work here for examples of proper format and writing styles. It also helps to read the comments posted with them. It’s how I learned the little bit I know about script writing. Good luck and have fun.