Username D93EXGI by Jimmy James - Thriller - A chat with your daughters teacher takes an unexpected turn. 8 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice :)

Thank you for posting! You are right, I need a better logline.

Hi Jimmy

Hope you are well.

Slight error in your slug

"INT. KITCHEN. EVENING." Should be "INT. KITCHEN - EVENING"

Characters should be introduced with all caps "WAYNE" preferably with an age and description.

I would also set the scene, describe where we are.

Looks like the teachers name changed from Merrick to Aubrey and one was missed.


As for the story, there is not enough in it for me to be engaged, more like an extended skit than a fully fledged story.
It's very talking heads and hardly any action, I ended up skipping through the dialogue a lot, I would break up the dialogue with action somewhat, film is a visual medium after all.

It's also listed as thriller but I get a much more comedic tone from it rather than thriller.

Best of luck with it

Thank you for feedback. Will edit formatting errors.

Hey Jimmy,

I enjoyed that. Feels more like a short story than a short film for me at the moment though. I think you should try and make it visually more captivating as at the moment it's almost entirely characters talking over a Zoom call which probably wouldn't make for the most interesting thing to watch.

I was surprised there wasn't any challenge on the source of the complaint being spectral evidence either. I guess maybe in that universe it's just taken as a given, but for me I saw that as comedy worth mining cos it's just so dumb, but something I could actually imagine being taken seriously by some people now.

Overall I liked it though. Had a kind of Twilight Zone feel to it.

Good luck with it.

Thank you so much for your feedback and I think you raised some really valid points. I will leave the script up as is until I've had a few more comments and then I will collate them all and do a fresh draft.

Kindest regards

Jimmy