Tangled Web by P.H. Cook - Thriller - A weekend getaway for a couple takes a deadly turn when they encounter a seductive stranger who reveals their darkest secrets and drives them to murder. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks Don! 8)

I wrote this for a filmmaker with a specific cast and cabin in mind. I think he wanted more of a drama though, so I'm posting it here in case anyone else is interested.  :)

I liked this one - didn't see the final twist - well done,

Pia, wow!  This is crazy good. You certainly have mastered painting the picture of what you want the feel of this script to be. I was hooked from the start. I learn so much from everyone on this site. Really, really like the style and the tension of this. I hope someone will see this a pick it up.  Thank you so much for sharing.

Love the title page so much!

"Julia�s mangled body, with limbs in odd angles down below."

How high is this cabin?  A fall to mangle a body would have to be from a considerably height, especially considering they are landing on a forest floor and not a solid surface like concrete. Maybe mention the cabin is on the edge of a cliff?
(EDIT: I just read above you had a specific cabin in mind, so I guess the real life cabin is high up)

Reads really well and kept me engaged, good twist ending.

My only real gripe is that I would have preferred some cleverness in Sara's plan (or seen her plan at all, really). She went there to take out two people on her own, seems she achieved it via sheer dumb luck. (spiking the wine to make them weak, for example - although probably a little clich� maybe? Sara already said she bought the wine so the setup is there)

I see Futurum is a genuine tech company, was this on purpose?

Anyway, very nice

Regards

Matt

Quoted from eldave1 I liked this one - didn't see the final twist - well done,

Thank you, Dave!  :)

Quoted from kcranford Pia, wow!  This is crazy good. You certainly have mastered painting the picture of what you want the feel of this script to be. I was hooked from the start. I learn so much from everyone on this site. Really, really like the style and the tension of this. I hope someone will see this a pick it up.  Thank you so much for sharing.

Wow, thank you!

I hope someone else will pick it up. :)

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Love the title page so much!

I do too. If I can find a suitable pic, I like to put them on the cover page. I think they help set the tone right off the bat.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor "Julia's mangled body, with limbs in odd angles down below." How high is this cabin?  A fall to mangle a body would have to be from a considerably height, especially considering they are landing on a forest floor and not a solid surface like concrete. Maybe mention the cabin is on the edge of a cliff? (EDIT: I just read above you had a specific cabin in mind, so I guess the real life cabin is high up)

Yes, I went off the pictures he sent me of this place. It's on a mountain, so the balcony is over a hill or cliff which makes it more like three or four story drop.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor My only real gripe is that I would have preferred some cleverness in Sara's plan (or seen her plan at all, really). She went there to take out two people on her own, seems she achieved it via sheer dumb luck. (spiking the wine to make them weak, for example - although probably a little cliche maybe? Sara already said she bought the wine so the setup is there)

Not a bad idea, but it's always a fine line between hinting more or giving away a twist. I also tried to end each page with a specific "cliffhanger", so I crammed as much as I could into each page. I could added more stuff and gone for ten pages, but I decided not to.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor I see Futurum is a genuine tech company, was this on purpose?

I looked it up and noticed there is a company called Futurum, latin for future, but did not see a Futurum AI, so I went with that.

Thanks for reading and commenting.  :)

I did hear back from the filmmaker btw, but he didn't even mention the scrip! He just said he wants a social commentary drama. I guess I'm not the right person for this project...

Nice work, Pia!

When Julia appeared in the mix Knock Knock came instantly to mind, as did Barbarian and I thought the couple were going to be caught in the midst of psychotic stranger territory. I loved this moment btw.

Have to say though, I didn't exactly connect with the whole AI Tech Company element mainly because I was probably imagining something different and it seemed less self-contained for a Short, and more a part of a bigger continuing story.
But then I came around.  :D


SPOILERS

The only other thing I would say is that Sara's fight back and victory (similar to what Matthew said) was achieved more by luck than design, considering what Julia ends up doing. I get there's a balance needed though in concocting the plot while not revealing all. Otherwise we'd twig and there'd be no surprise at the end.

Another big fan of your cover page here.

Love the setup.
Great line with the chess and the tic tac toe.

Minor typo:
He gets a hold of Sara’s knife wrist.
One or the other.

Nice little Hitch moment at the end.
I only wished the railing had snapped off and that Julia had dropped (to my imaginary) rocks and ocean floor below.

Thanks Libby! I would agree with your comments, but as you know, I was trying to please a filmmaker, so that's why things ended up the way they did. I don't plan on doing any re-writes, so not really looking for a whole lot of suggestions. I would've done it if he had said something about the script, but it was as if he didn't even bother reading it. I'm very disappointed about that. He gave me more of a specific storyline he wanted, so I'm working on a new one. Same location, one character and use of AI. It's a drama. If he doesn't like that one either, I'll just post that one up here as well, see if anyone else bites. I posted this one on SR yesterday and a filmmaker already downloaded it during the night, so I'm feeling hopeful.  

Thanks again.  :)

Ah,okay. Point taken, Pia. So now he's come back with a more specific outline?
Hope it works out second time around. And good luck with this one. :)

Quoted from LC And good luck with this one. :)

Thanks! I just got an email from some just 35 minutes ago. :D

Ahoy Pia,

Well-written, fully in command of diction (as Aristotle would say). :) I liked this quite a bit. I'd keep reading if it was feature length for sure. Then again... I'm a sucker for these kind of scripts. I definitely think it plays better as a thriller though.  Sorry for the lame ass feedback. I'm sure someone's gonna want to film this. So... best of luck! :)-A

This is the first piece of your work that I have read. Wow.

This has everything I like to see in a thriller: Romance, surprise, conflict, conciliation, fine wine and food, inebriation, a scandalous secret revealed, a struggle, hemorrhaging , another struggle but with aerial acrobatics, and a phone call for an epilogue.  Nice.

I could visualize the action happening in front of me. I was totally absorbed into the story.

I have read the comments and advice you have given to the work of others and was curious as to what your work was like. I wasn’t disappointed. Your style is descriptive and easy to read. I learned a lot. I did a quick look through the library here and found The Hit.  I’m going to read that next and learn some more.

I like the title page. I’m wondering if the artwork is original. It’s perfect.

Only up to page 4 so far .. sure its going to be great but I find early dialogue unconvincing .. that they just immediately start arguing, immediately becoming confrontational " you have to leave " etc as opposed to trying to verify who each party is and how the misunderstanding occurred.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Well-written, fully in command of diction (as Aristotle would say). :)

This here means more than you can ever imagine. When I first started this my English was truly terrible. I know I've said this in the past, but it's been a big struggle for me, English is not my native language, but I'm not very well educated either. I only have a middle school education, so learning to write and get compliments too, means so much to me. Back when I started here, I couldn't spell and my grammar was non existent. I learned most of my screenwriting here from kind readers who took the time to comment and read despite the crap I was churning out. So thank you for this. It put an extra pep in my step today. :)

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal I liked this quite a bit. I'd keep reading if it was feature length for sure. Then again... I'm a sucker for these kind of scripts. I definitely think it plays better as a thriller though.  Sorry for the lame ass feedback. I'm sure someone's gonna want to film this. So... best of luck! :)-A

I think the filmmaker wanted to turn it into a feature if the short worked. Maybe he was planning to use it as a sample for crowd funding or such. I'm almost finished with the drama version, but I have people staying with us for awhile, so I can't seem to find the time to finish. Oh well...

Thanks again! :)

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak This is the first piece of your work that I have read. Wow. This has everything I like to see in a thriller: Romance, surprise, conflict, conciliation, fine wine and food, inebriation, a scandalous secret revealed, a struggle, hemorrhaging , another struggle but with aerial acrobatics, and a phone call for an epilogue.  Nice. I could visualize the action happening in front of me. I was totally absorbed into the story. I have read the comments and advice you have given to the work of others and was curious as to what your work was like. I wasn’t disappointed. Your style is descriptive and easy to read. I learned a lot. I did a quick look through the library here and found The Hit.  I’m going to read that next and learn some more. I like the title page. I’m wondering if the artwork is original. It’s perfect.

Wow! I'm humbled again about the comments! Thank you!

The Hit is an older script now. Not so sure I would even like now. I still learned something from it though, don't let a director/producer option your script for two years on a $1 option. I had a lot of people interested in that script, but because of that option, I couldn't do anything with it and by the time the option ran out, the script was "old hat". I don't really post features online anymore until I have exhausted all other avenues for the script. As I have become a better feature writer, I have also become more protective of my work.

Thank you again for reading and commenting.  8)

Quoted from William Wonder Only up to page 4 so far .. sure its going to be great but I find early dialogue unconvincing .. that they just immediately start arguing, immediately becoming confrontational " you have to leave " etc as opposed to trying to verify who each party is and how the misunderstanding occurred.

Thanks for taking a look.

About the unconvincing dialogue, I know what you mean, but sometimes with shorts, when you have so few pages to work with, every word matters and sometimes things suffer for it. If this was a feature for example, I would do things completely different.

Thanks, and welcome to Simply Scripts.  :)

i look forward to reading the rest of it in the next few days .. thanks

This might actually be a record, at least for me, for the fast sale. Don posted the script and I was contacted 35 minutes or so later by the filmmaker. Ten days later, it's sold. This just proves how valuable the SS home page real estate is. This guy, and most people that are not members, only know of the home page and are unaware of the forum.

Either way, I'm happy.  :)

Fantastic, Pia. Kudos! SS is truly the best.

Wow! Congrats, Pia, this must have made your day!  :D

The original guy would be second guessing himself I bet.

Amazing, well done Pia!

Awesome news!

How does one get a slice of that home page real estate?

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Awesome news! How does one get a slice of that home page real estate?

Usually by Showcasing scripts via Reviews.
I used to write a fair few, but have had a bit on my plate lately. Of course I wasn't the only reviewer, and anyone can volunteer. Read a script you like, write a review and Don puts it up on the Blog page. The script is linked, Writers Bio/ credentials are linked and also (bonus) Reviewer's Bio as well. Lots of Options have come this way.

As Pia said, a lot of people just visit the Blog page.

Quoted from LC Usually by Showcasing scripts via Reviews. I used to write a fair few, but have had a bit on my plate lately. Of course I wasn't the only reviewer, and anyone can volunteer. Read a script you like, write a review and Don puts it up on the Blog page. The script is linked, Writers Bio/ credentials are linked and also (bonus) Reviewer's Bio as well. Lots of Options have come this way. As Pia said, a lot of people just visit the Blog page.

Thanks, I'd like to volunteer to do reviews!

Quoted from LC The original guy would be second guessing himself I bet.

He wanted a drama. He also mentioned the blood on the floor...

Quoted from Matthew Taylor How does one get a slice of that home page real estate?

Actually, what I think happened is that just as I was working on submitting my script, Don posted that day's scripts and when he saw mine was also submitted while he was doing it, he added it separately. That way it didn't get lumped in with the others, but instead ended up at the top of the home page alone. It wasn't planned that way in other words.

Thanks, guys.  :)

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Thanks, I'd like to volunteer to do reviews!

That's great, Matthew!
Can you see this link?
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-readwrite/
If you can't, send Don a PM and ask if you can join as a reviewer and see the read/write review thread.

At this point because of the OWC coming up reviews might not be posted until after the challenge and often reviews come from OWCs as well.

There's tips on that thread and guidelines when reviewing or I can send you some links if you'd like as past examples.

I don't want to clog up Pia's thread so PM me if you want further info.

And of course anyone else who's interested in reviewing scripts for the Blog page PM me too. It's great exposure for the writer and the reviewer.

Congrats!!

Pia's would be successful and would have sold that work without SimplyScripts.
SimplyScipts would not exist if it weren't for Pia.

- Don

This is awesome!  I told you it was crazy good, Pia!  Many congrats. Can’t wait to see the finished product. Great work!

Thanks guys!

Don...  :o :B  :D :P 8) :K)

So, I sold this script to a guy in LA I think is an actor who wants to direct. I wrote another script in the same cabin about an AI companion to the original guy, but this one is a drama. Then he comes back and says, I haven't decided yet which one I will shoot.  ::)

Cheers!  ;D

Congrats!

Just read the script, will make a really great short film. I look forward to seeing it.

Thanks, Warren! I hope it turns out great too. I think the guy that bought it is an actor that wants to dabble in directing. The original guy has still not got back with me with the second script I wrote for him… if I don't hear from him soon, I will put that script up here as well because there's no better place than simply script for people to find my scripts it appears. :)

Awesome Pia !
Big congrats.  I'll have a Guinness for you ;D

Congratulations on selling the script Pia, especially in such quick time!

Not surprised it was picked up either. Ticks all the boxes (in the good way!) and like some others have commented, I didn't see the twist coming either.

Excellent work!

Quoted from irish eyes I'll have a Guinness for you ;D

Just one???!  ;D

Thanks guys!

Haven't received the money yet, but I'm sure it's on its way...

I have finally received the money, so I'm going to ask Don to take this down. :)

My tip for actually getting a short script sold is to ask the filmmakers if they want exclusivity. Most of them actually do because most set out with the idea of taking the film to festivals, so the last thing they want is to possibly see another film there made from the same script. That actually happened a long time ago with one of my shorts and both filmmakers ended up mad at me...

:)

Hi Pia.

After reading all the eulogies I thought i'd give this a read myself.

First of all I must congratulate you on selling this short, which i believe would be better if played out at length.

The "show don't tell" factor comes during the phone call...

I'd like to know more about Michael and Sara's relationship with him.

To be honest I thought it was a tad contrived and  too pacy and I did see that Kind of resolve.

Sometimes these short thrillers still need a back story to give them some depth.

All that said I did enjoy the read and can see you have a special talent for drawing a picture.

Nice work and good luck with your writing.

Hey John. :)

I can't argue with anything you said. This one got picked up by someone only twenty minutes after it was posted. Didn't get paid until today, but... The same filmmaker that snagged Ai Illusion also wanted it, so I never felt the need to go back and improve on the script. To be honest, I haven't read it since I typed FADE OUT:

The other person that also wanted it asked me to write something similar for her, but 15-20 pages and more characterizations. A bunch of other stuff too, but I struggled with that one and have yet to show it to her.

Anyway, thanks for the read and thoughts on it. I mainly posted in this thread to give my tip on how to get filmmakers to pay for shorts.  ;)

Congrats, Pia!

- Sold