Chop Suey by Dawn Pisturino (dawnpisturino) writing as (c) 2023 - Short, Action - A Chicago chef moves to San Francisco and gets embroiled in an FBI operation to take down the Chop Suey Tong, a notorious smuggling ring. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I can't help it.  All I could think of was Shaggy in Mystery Mask Mix-Up saying, "You don't scare me, Zen Tuo.  I know Judo, Chop Suey and Chinese Checkers!"  This story was remniscent of a Scooby-Doo storyline: Shaggy's obsession with Chop Suey leads the gang into danger in San Francisco's shadowy Chinatown.

This could be a feature length action script! But for just 11 pages, for sure feels crammed. However, its an exciting read with a lot of action.

Good luck.

I'm going to hazard a guess you've been writing longer format up till now.

Your idea is a good one, just way too much story and dense dialogue for a short script of ten pages.

It's a bit too convenient plot wise too that Patty would casually leave her dastardly plans on the table for the Waiter to nearly pick up.  For an FBI Agent I'd say that's an offence worthy of instant dismissal. You needed something more clever than that to get your plot moving in the direction you wanted it to go..

Re dialogue: People don't generally speak continuously and in big long paragraphs. Also, lots of repeated exposition and mentioning of the date this is all supposed to go down.

Choose Day or Night for your slugs.
And no need to repeat the location in your scene header again in your description.

I won't harp on further.
It was entertaining.

[quote][/quote]This script is highly reminiscent of the 1980’s film Barry Gordy’ THE LAST DRAGON. In it the same theme of one competitor  trying to figure out how to save one such restaurant at the expense of a competitor. Only differences was a love relationship. But there is plenty of action with plenty of  special effects similar to the suggestion of a reviewer. A rewrite by a professional screenwriter should interest film studios who had great success with Gordy’s LAST DRAGON.

Writer,

Some of the issues I had with it --the dialogue needs a serious trim. The writing is capable.

Things seems too convenient. Too much takes place too quickly without any real challenge. Take the three Chinese thugs who show up.

The good news - you met the parameters which I was really looking for. Good on you.

All the best,

Ghost

Not bad. I followed the plot to the end. You didn't make use of chop suey fully. An action script but the action was too much. Try to cut down on some.

Hope this helps

Michael

Hmm, there's a lot of dialogue and some of it a little OTN and long bordering on soliloquy.

But, it's set in San Fran on Fisherman's Wharf (kinda) so it gets extra points from me for that.

Feels like some absurdist comedy sketch so was kind a funny in place but ultimately didn;t really work for me.

This was a fun whodunnit type film-noir scriptaroni, I kept waiting for the Home Alone: Angels With Filthy Souls gang to show up… “keep the change ya filthy animal”.

That being said, it’s like a 70s type crime show thing going on, which is kind of nostalgic for me, best of luck.

This isn't listed as a comedy so I am going to assume it was intended to be.
But once I started reading it as a comedy it was much better..
- the on the nose dialogue,
- the conveniently laid out evil plans on a napkin
- The fact that Patty went to he biggest rivals restaurant to eat.
All made more sense with a comedic tone.

Ending was rushed so I guess you ran out of room.

I always like to read all the other comments to see if anyone else had similar thoughts to mine after reading a script.  Some of the above are dead on with mine.  This reads very much like an action movie, a whole lot going on packed into a very few pages.  Ten pages is a challenge when you're trying to flesh out a story, wedge in all the parameters and make everything fit.  Overall, I think you did a nice job.  I agree with others that an FBI agent carelessly leaving a napkin written full of confidential information on the table is a bit of a stretch, but then, following Matthew's thought line above, throwing in a little comedic element helps - ?  Also, I had to think about the obsession part - was it his love of Chop Suey?  I guess that's the gist since Chop Suey is the title and central premise of the story.

Good luck with this - enjoyed reading your work and thanks for sharing.

Kathy

The idea itself was entertaining, but not ideal for a short screenplay. You tried to pack so much in that you had to reveal everything through dialog...and there was a lot of dialog. You just told us everything instead of showing us. Was impossible for me to connect to any of these characters because it was so dialog heavy.

Maybe just too big of an idea for 10 pages.

Best of luck.

This is a funny, huge, chop suey of a story. Your dialogue said it all. Ah, the fabulous '80s and Bruce Leeroy. You might search for a free online screenwriting program to fix your page breaks and formatting issues. I can't crucify your story because it was like a box of fortune cookies with all the clues delivered on cue. Thank you for the dessert before the dish.

Writer,

Ah yes, very good and definitely in need of a few more pages to give this a proper send off. As is, we’ll executed and tense. Again, only nitpick was it ended very abruptly and the Muldoon leaving the note behind was just plain careless for an FBI agent. That aside, very well done!!

Steve

Ambitious script with a lot going on. For me, it was the dialogue that sank the script. Some people have mentioned in the comments that you couldn't fit it all into ten pages, but you probably could by streamlining a lot. For example, a lot of the dialogue can be trimmed or even deleted. There's no need for her to ask him about where he got so muscled up and him telling her where he used to jog and box. It adds nothing to the story itself. Lots of unnecessary exposition throughout. Also, why not mention that he is black in his introduction? That way he doesn't have to repeat that "his black mama" married a Chinese man. These were both surprises to us readers, but an audience would've seen this as soon as he showed up on the screen. Not a bad story, but I think you need to either lengthen the script, which would be easy after the OWC or simplify it to make it fit within the ten pages.  :)

Thanks for all the feedback!

I read it a while back. Thinking the idea is there and a good one but the dialog is heavy in exposition.
Cut it in half i'd say and then try to show what they want through action.
I'm always guilty of exposition, too, unfortunately. Good luck with your rewrite