Hoarder by Creepy - A mother and son embark on a quest to find the scariest Halloween costume but stumble upon something far more sinister than they could ever imagine.  Short, Horror

I think you can push it a little further with the kid's meltdown. I don't know if he's supposed to be an awful unlikeable kid or just want what he wants, but either way, this should be stronger pressure on Whitney to make the choice to go to the house. The harder it is for her to choose the house, the higher the stakes feel. Right now it just feels like a normal annoying kid (and I'd tell him he gets what he gets, frankly).

Love this setup for getting into a scary house, by the way. Maybe a little slow -- I think we kinda want them there halfway down page 2 at the latest. Could open with higher stakes, kid crying/screaming/yelling his lines, Whitney already getting on the phone to talk to Paul. 30 seconds of screentime and they're at the house is probably ideal.

Oh yeah. Hell of a reveal, hell of a payoff. Excellent work in the back half. My main suggestion is just to get us there quicker. Excellent and ghastly little story.

Only other thought is that we could get a *tiny* bit more from Paul to set up the house and Grandpa. But yeah, this is working great. Good stuff. Great ending.

That's a well written, nice little Halloween story! I just have two suggestions (although I'm not sure it's possible to squeeze them into the 6 page limit):
1- Maybe you could introduce the grandpa's character in a few words, like an "that old secretive owl" or something, a little hint to his background story, in order for the audience to anticipate his gloomy "hobby".
2- You could make access to the basement a bit more restricted, like for example a digicode lock with the father's birthday as the passcode, something like that.
Apart from that, a very enjoyable read!

As an electrician the scariest thing is that the lights still work in a rundown abandoned derelict house :D

I really enjoyed this, very well written.
One of favs for sure.

Reminds me a bit of the show ' YOU ' where he kept memorabilia of the victims.
Could really be expanded and probably one of the scripts on here that would have benefitted from a longer page count.

Very well done

Two slug lines one after the other/  Pan through to LOUNGE ROOM would save space and work better for me.

On phone is a parenthetical. No need to Keep repeating as we know.


"Not Ben. can't be Ben" is this dialogue or action? I can't tell written as dialogue but as an action.

We jump from basement to Attic without a beat or break as an instruction.

But overall I like the ending, more. Just thought the destination was better than the convoluted journey.

Writer,

Well done...liked the tone...your descriptions and action lines are solid. Dialogue, too. Very natural.

I think the hook of your first scene is a good one. Clever (perhaps too clever) because it sort of give things away if you think about it writer.

Left us hanging with the trunk though. But that's right won't hold it against you.

And yes I'm going to agree with the set-up/pay-off being pretty good. Enjoyed it. A lot.

All the best,

Ghost

Writer,

I thought the execution on this was very good, tension was good as well. What didn’t work for me was an abandoned house, presumably grandpas, I think, that hasn’t been cleaned out or gone in the market yet. That, took me out of the story. Why is this house still pretty much left intact if gramps is dead? That’s a good question. Maybe you should have answered that. Not to mention, you telegraphed this early on in the story, the moment she mentioned it I kinda knew where it would end. Not necessarily a bad thing if you had made it fresh, scary and exciting. Anyway, it was a solid read, but just didn’t work for me. Good effort!

Steve

Thought this was well written and twisted and turned to places I didn't expect good job.

My only suggestion is that her hearing Ben from the basement when she's in the attic felt a bit of a stretch.

Rest of it, great!

I like the tale you've told here. There was a lotta subtlety and ambiguity, which I'm always a fan of. Great descriptions of the house and you crafted quite the atmosphere within it.

For me, there were moments where the writing could have been more simply than it was -

Quoted Text Ben holds onto Whitney’s skirt as they navigate the labyrinthine maze of junk, some of it piled to the ceiling. STAIRWAY Traversing more hazards on the rickety steps to the second story. A long hallway leads to the ceiling hatch, where Whitney lowers a retractable ladder -

That kinda narrative never flows well for me, for others it might, just not my bag.

That aside, this was very good. One of those that I would enjoy onscreen.

Oh man, gruesome. Who was grampa… Jame Gumb?

Gumb, not Gum...

Moving on.

He’s a serial killer and his offspring have found his stash. In the end you know he wanted to be caught, or found out, they always do. Jagged little pill to swallow for Whitney. Will she let Ben keep the mask?

Definitely a more sinister idea cooked up here than what I could muster. Kudos for a creepy ride. Best of luck.

That definitely creeped me out.  Got all of the elements of the challenge nailed down.  One question in my mind was whether her husband knew what was also stored up in that attic.  If so, does she and Ben have to have other concerns?  Yikes!

Great writing, great effort.  Two thumbs way up.

Usually with scripts you can see or at least get an idea of what the twist is going to be. This one genuinely caught me off guard and I think it was well done.

My one complaint though is the premise: in the year 2023, why would they elect to go to a hoarder's house for a Halloween costume?

Well done though!

When I was 7, I was just like Ben. I totally identified with him.

I couldn't even imagine what she was going through finding the dark secrets of her father-in-law. That was quite upsetting.

It was an enjoyable story. I'm glad it had a realistic, non-supernatural ending.

Quite an enjoyable story here. Nice set up. I only wish grandpa's stuff
was somewhere other than his old ramshackle of a home. What would
have been eerie is if mom could reach hubby and just left a message that
she was going to search for the old man's creepy Halloween stuff. And then
Dad shows up later. But I guess he didn't know Pops was into some gruesome
tendencies. The ending was no shocker, but still, I liked it. Definitely could have
used more pages to flesh and blood this story out even more.

The buildup was nice. The excitement, the anticipation, and the dread were captured well. And the ending was the opposite of what I initially thought. Great effort.  

Good luck.

Kind of a roundabout means to get to the payoff -- a bit heavy on hidden compartments and other serendipitous discoveries -- but it is a good, solid payoff.

What this story needs is for Paul to come back in the end.  Whether he is angry or pleased or something else, he should also make an appearance in this basement with his family.

Even though this was the first short on the list to read, for some reason I didn’t read it first. And now that I have come back around to it, I think this sets a very high bar.

I think the storytelling is excellent, and the way the writer peels back the onion to build the suspense is very skillful.

When Ben goes into the basement we expect that’s where the real horrifying event is going to happen and he's the one to be terrorized...but no(!) it’s Whitney. He doesn’t even know what evil he has uncovered. Great twist!

I guess Ben will go Trick Or’ Treating as a maniacal serial killer.

I didn't have time to read any of these while it was going on, but I decided to take a look now, and what do I see??? You took part, and you won!!! So, I read your script, and I can see why it won. I haven't read any of the comments, and you probably aren't looking for any now, so I'll just say BRAVO. I like how Whitney discovered something absolutely horrifying, but Ben didn't. Well, he thought it was scary in a cool way but was oblivious to what they had really found. If I were to suggest anything, it would be to tone down some of the hints, especially towards the end. IMHO, subtle hints would work better and deliver the final scare better. Right now, by the time we get near the end, it's quite obvious what's going on.

Awesome work! 8)

Aww, thank you Pia! Much appreciated.

I plan to write another draft of this. Nothing too elaborate.

So, with your impressive horror expertise could you give me an example of how you might tone down the clues?

To me it was kinda obvious something would be discovered and I thought real 'death masks' as a reveal might be payoff enough. I steered away from the bodies in the freezer type trope.

Anyway, thankyou!
Glad you liked it.

I have no expertise in horror, lol.

I think for me, this script sort of gave it away already halfway through with the discovery of the souvenirs. Especially the driver's licenses. I immediately thought, serial killer. IMHO, it would work better if you started with less obvious items, so it stays a mystery a little longer. Let the creep factor build. I also thought the magazines were too much. It left us with absolutely no doubt of what was going on here—especially the taxidermy stuff. At that point I even knew there was going to be either stuffed humans or some other skin-related items. It left my own imagination with nothing to do.  

I didn't quite get what the 3D printer was for. I would've been more intrigued by finding clues of what he had used it for than finding the taxidermy magz.

Good script and I can see why it won.  :)

Pia yep, some bits I agree are a little over-egged.

The 3D printer came about after I did some quick research into death masks of the 21st century and the scanning of human faces.

Will see what I can do in the revamp. :)