Genuine Fake by John Stone - Short, Drama, Crime - The theft of a watch has dire consequences, until its miraculous return. 12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks Don. This screenplay has now been optioned.

Quoted from Stoneyscripts Thanks Don. This screenplay has now been optioned.

Wow, John!  That's fabulous! Congratulations!

Thanks buddy. Very much appreciated.

It felt a bit strange that his wife asked him if he wanted to go to the toilet instead of him just saying "I'm breaking my neck for a piss, back in a minute" or words to that affect.

The youths went in, never left then re-entered ????

I was confused about the FLASHBACK because that didn't happen. I had to read it again to realise it was supposed to be a dream sequence. The other thing that I didn't get was how she knew it was her husbands watch? There was nothing specific about it.

I also didn't get why his wife had to go for a meal and not just ask him about the watch and where he got it when she noticed it.

Just my opinion but I think it would have been good to have a "Police" type banging on their front door so we know he hasn't gotten away with it and that he stabbed the boy for nothing.

Anyway apart from that, well done on getting it optioned

Thanks AJ.  My wife always checks the itemised bill while I use the toilet. It’s just something we do so it’s not unheard of.  The youths reentered from the cubicles. You are quite right about the flashback scene. It is a dream sequence. I stand corrected. Ruth knows it’s the watch because she bought it. She was waiting her moment when the nice old man engaged her.  Hope this helps.  

Quoted from Stoneyscripts Thanks AJ.  My wife always checks the itemised bill while I use the toilet. It’s just something we do so it’s not unheard of.

It just didn't sound natural to me:

Wife: "Do you want to go the toilet"
Eddie: "Yes I do"

If he had just told her he was going it would have been more natural.

Quoted from Stoneyscripts The youths reentered from the cubicles.

The thing is they were in the toilet INT. TOILET they never left.

Quoted from Stoneyscripts Ruth knows it’s the watch because she bought it.

She may have bought it but there is nothing to unique about it so it would look just like any other Rolex.
I think you could have had someone ask the time and he says something like "ten past eight, oh sorry  no it's ten past seven. Sorry this crack looks like a hand"

Or maybe when the "Youth" takes the watch he says "Tenner for a snide with a crack, fuck off" then they all kick him. Maybe his intials on the top link, just something so she would recognise it at a glance.

No one else has commented so maybe it's just me ;-)

Hi, John. First of all, congratulations. 12 19 pages. This should be a breeze.

I love the oxymoronic title. Reminds me of True Lies.

On page 2 there's a slash after Eddie's name when he asks for a tenner. Ditto the Shopper on page 3. And Joe. And Ruth.

"when I was [on] holiday" I'm assuming.

"Are you taking the piss, bruv?" I love how he literally is.

It's pretty obvious that a Harley is a motorcycle. :)

The dialect is fascinating. British? Aussie?

Dad as a name is normally capitalized.

What does "leg it" mean?

candlelit is usually one word.

"football" I'm assuming soccer, correct?

What's "cocking a deafen"?

The waiter should be in all caps.

This was a pretty good script. Break a leg! :)

Hi Chris.

Thanks for the read and the feedback.

Page 2 etc / shorthand for CONT'D.

"Leg it." - runs off.

Football - soccer.

"cocks a deafen - ignores remark.

Thanks for all your comments and questions. Taken on board.

All English. Some slang terms used.